Melt Down

This afternoon at work can only be described as a MELT DOWN. Whether it is because of any Autism issues, or whether it was because of the neglect from my family, or whether it was because all the others were 'meeting you after work' with no invitations to go anywhere to me (even though I have been there four months). The last event was some of the cause of the melt down but most of the melt down was because of absolute exhaustion having been up every hour on the hour last night. Also the stress was so much today I was pissing myself all day, literaly, even though I went to the bathroom as much as I thought I had to go. So this added to my stress. And I couldn't see because the writing is too small for me on a lot of the boxes and because my glasses were clouding over in the freezer. (That was exceptionally frustrating. Blind and pissing myself.)

The main cause, though, was my thinking about what my brother has done. How he has not in the tiniest given way in the area of transparency and openess in regard to my mother's estate..or anything else. Another example of his manipulative shit: He left a message...(the only one in 50 years)..about "are you going to join us". So it was not left for me in an sincere and real way. So..so many assumptions...no address, no time, nothing .....BUT PAR FOR THE COURSE. I know if I did go it would be like other Christmases when I have made the effort...(unlike him who makes zero effort)....and I would have been left to fend for myself...CAN YOU BELIEVE SUCH RUDENESS AND SHIT.....in his house...by myself...all day....UNTIL...he takes it upon himself to show up after he has had all the visiting, etc...AND AFTER ANYONE (that being myself) is at all INTERESTED AND ARE FEELING TOTALY SHITTY FROM THE NEGLECT.

He has not made the least attempt to come here to see where I am now living. HOW FUCKING DENEGRADING AND TRIPPING. How DISREGARDING IS THAT. And he likes to think of himself as the GREAT COUNSELLOR...you can bet on it. Total ego.

So mostly that is why today I had the melt down....just bawled my eyes out in the freezer...because I had to do the night panning as well as the day panning because at least two people didn't show up...so extra physical stress on top of already physical stress from no sleep....and this is after we are totally short staffed to begin with...and it was too much for me...on no sleep..with no one to go home to...no hugs from anyone....no positive shit for me...nothing.....just the usual, where I have to gather it all from my own self.

And sometimes I'm just a little bit tired of doing that.

So I have had two days of crying at work. I can't take this bull shit any more. This is just slave work. For what. What do they give back to me. Nothing. Even that person from produce who had the audacity to ASSUME I needed to go to his recovery shit.....which in itself is nothing but an insult..since he did that without even any attempt of getting to know me (therefore i would have to assume that 'someone else' sicced him on me, so to speak....he was saying I was way too fat...(which I am but for many reasons...more than he would even be able to consider). NO ...that was all he did....he did not ask me to go with them at lunch like he does others in the bakery. It just means they are of the same ilk, (the ones that went together).

And ignorant on top of it. Since I have discovered that they will not accept any 'ideas' except their own.

Totally Miserable

I don't usually like to write about this stuff. I have been trying to keep this blog 'positive'.....therefore, extracting those tiny moments where one can see the reason for being alive.

Today, however, has been so painful from the moment I first woke up...having to take an Asperin before I even got going. This, in spite of meditating for 45 minutes before I went to work. So one little thing and I was too vulnerable...and so ended up crying for most of the morning...at the back...where most people can't see me.

Mostly I feel this unhappiness is caused by the 'men' in my life. My brother, my son, my ex-lover. All of them are gamey and of the same ILK. Therefore power tripping too. All of them hurt me very deeply over the holiday season. I have tried not to feel it up until now....but it is there....lurking just below the surface. It is hard to know how to overcome this disgusting Asperger wall created by my brother. My son has the same reaction whenever something good is given to him by me...unexpectedly. My ex just continues along contaminating every relationship he has with his gamey bull.

So basically I feel so powerless and 'tripped' upon.

I have been considering taking counsel. Legal. And other.

Missed Opportunites

I am famous for missing opportunities. Especially if there is conflict involved....or the threat of conflict. Such was the case last night. After running into someone who had invited a discussion I "chickened out". It was probably another missed opportunity for me to 'discuss' issues that are keeping me from have a good night's rest, among other things.

To jump to another, but similar topic, today is a birthday for someone in this building. I decided the other day to make a cake. So I had better get busy, eh? (They say 'eh' in Canada). I am 'trying' to make the most of things.

Only those things of the heart can fill me up at all though. That seems to be lacking here. But I will learn what I can.

These 'posts' are getting very very boring. I seem to have lost my 'edge'.

Faux Pas

They should not let me out.....at social occasions I mean. I always always always always always always mess up. I cried all the way home. Just like the little piggy I suppose.

I am totally unable to make the 'transitions'. It is the Aspergers. (And maybe Alziemers for all I know). Always always I am flying blind. Hoping against hope to be able to 'read' the cues. But always always always always I mess up. It is always in the "leavings". The "comings" seem to be easy to navigate...although this one had questionable elements to it as well.

So there we were. We had said our 'good-byes'. And I couldn't 'get to the door'. We ended up in a totally new and undesired 'conversation'.

I should not be 'let out'. Unaccompanied at any rate. If there is someone to direct the exits. Someone who knows what is going on. And how would that ever happen. So it is hopeless.

I know people mean well. But there are so many contradictions and conflicting interests to deal with. They don't know what they are up against. I know I sound like I know what is going on....only I don't.

Also there is the 'heart' vs. 'head' issue. Many people want to know about the 'heart'. They just get it mixed up with their 'head'.

Corrections

It is Christmas Day. My son came over last night for a nice ham and scalloped potato dinner. I worked till 5pm and then got the dinner in for 7:30pm. This morning I had ham and eggs. An unusual event. He was invited also but seemed to be sleeping in...so I left a message.

Mick phoned last night...to give me the names of the songs on his CD, "Gold Rays". I had emailed him to ask if he would do that so there are names not just track numbers.

I asked him to take another look at the Blog. So in re-reading it for myself I have come across 'errors'. So I have corrected them, Mick, if you get this message. I know it would probably drive you crazy to see them there...most of them are typos though, eh. For some sentences I have changed the wording.

That is the problem with publishing right way....rather than waiting a few days. But that is always the choice. Do I communicate immediately while the feeling is 'fresh'....or do I wait and do the 'corrections'. Always a fine line of silliness.

Beer and No Body

So I just thought I would mention as well...that I have had a beer....I have one once in a while. And today being Friday...many people are 'out on the town'. Not that I , being an Aspergers person, know what that even means....but they are all sitting around gabbing, laughing, etc.

Not that I am feeling sorry for myself. I have just finished writing a much overdue letter to my darling cousins...spurred on by a lovely card and note from one of them. All to arrive at an untimely time, though...after Christmas. Hopefully not too long after Christmas. One would think I was taking after my mother, who now has an excuse for not doing any cards until three days before the BIG DAY.

Me, on the other hand, who have usually been very good as sending cards... am usually in the 'Christmas Mood' around the end of November, beginning of December and by this time have pretty much run out of gas. So no cards for me this year. I did keep a record of ones that I received 'in the old days'...even as little time ago as three years ago. But not one card this year...oh wrong...a very nice note from two friends not far away....and one recent one from someone not far from here in the city. (and another has arrived under the door, now).

But today, when I was just going into work...there was Jim talking to my supervisor (for some reason)...I just smiled...he looked startled to see that I had been watching him...and I ran into an old lady, with the blue racks, by mistake. Not good.

So like I said...there he is....buying food and making plans to have a dinner or something of the sort with someone else...not me. And there he is...getting away with everthing. And there he is....still in his stupid little gamey fantasy world where all the 'followers' believe his lies...and well we all know the truth. How convenient. To make out he 'can't talk to me'. How convenient. How convenient to hurt me further at this time of year when 'old friends' get together. Not that it would be good for me. I know that. Look what happened the last time I let him in. Look what happened to Henry. It took over a year to get him out of the house, when he was just using me until Penny could make up her mind, and then I lost everything.

But having a beer...well sometimes it would be nice to have that same kind of interaction. It was fun until the last part. But I can't do it here--the interaction I mean. I can't do chit-chat. There has to be a deeper understanding. And that is what I had with Jim. Because of the Knowledge. Just shows...all types can receive it. Doesn't do anything for the outside world. It is only for the inside. And anyone who has received it, knows instantly that if they converse with someone else who has received it, they can share something very deep with that other person. Even when that person is so different from themselves. That is an amazing feat. That is one aspect of Knowledge.

Not too many things can be said about that in this world.

Ingrid's Paintings

I am posting some of the photos of paintings I took for my friend, Ingrid, a couple of weeks ago. Time goes so quickly. I may add more later. I hope she doesn't mind. I will have to tell her to look. These are ones I remember her doing when we shared studio space in the old warehouse building before I moved my studio to the garage at my old house.
Connie, her daughter is giving a concert in Moose Jaw in January and so Ingrid is having an exhibition of her paintings at the same time. I really really love "A Poodle in Paris". It is from the book by Connie of the same name. It was given to me, a signed copy by Connie, when she came to pick up the CD of Ingrid's paintings...in exchange. I also like the song: "I Love That Dog". I play the CD a lot. Anyone can sing along.

Cup Cakes and Sweet Violin Music

I almost forgot to mention what I have spent a lot of time doing over the last few days.....making cup cakes. A number of weeks ago I came across some cup cake papers with gingerbread figures and trees on them...thinking I would give them away to someone...but I got in the mood. And now I have given away most of the cup cakes that I made.

But just in time, I remembered to take a photo. And...I am listening to the "Gold Rays" cd of Steven Michael Berzensky and Rob Penner. The violin is intoxicating.

So I will include a photo of the remaining cupcakes. And a photo of that snow fall from a short while ago. And I will continue to enjoy the music.

New Posts Not Very Interesting

12:30pm
Anyone coming to this blog at this time of the year will find it hard pickings I am afraid. Not much to say. Even I am bored. Not as interesting as the ones in September and October. I guess its a matter of: 'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".....no, not really, just kidding.

But it is a very stressful time of the year...for many people. Shouldn't be...but often is.

Apple Sauce, Roasted Red Peppers and Invitations

11:16am
So far the morning has brought some nice surprises.

Why Would They Do That

Why wouldn't they just say "I Love Your Blog" or "I Hate Your Blog"....or leave a 'comment' for me to read on my Blog. This doesn't make any sense....in any real human way. All this subterfuge. What for.

Friend or Foe, I Don't Know

4:16pm
.......thou preparest a table before me.......Amen.

What for, is my question

This is my question. And Why? What's it to You. Those people who want to make double panes of what I write here. My activities. They are totally innocent, simple and filled with love and hope. As much as I can make them anyway. Unlike your own activities which would appear to be filled with crap, suspicion, malicious harrassment, etc. etc. etc.

If anything, I am hopeful that you might 'get something' out of these subterraneous activities. You might learn what you are missing. After all, you can't touch it. In me anyway. It is MINE. And you, and all the others, can't take it from me. You can't hack that.

Ahhhh.....there is another Asperger's joke. Hope you like it.

"Get Busy Getting Wet"

This is the last day and few hours of my two days off. I still want to listen again to the talk called "Listening" from the Keys Three. I have been a little tired for the last couple of hours. I am trying to get my place in order. Got the little fibre optic tree up that I got. It would have felt better to have gotten the one that was left on the hall exchange table a few weeks ago as it would have seemed like a gift. But such are my ways....and so hard to 'modify', even with some conscientiousness. Small silly errands to do today and forgetting the main one...taking something to someone.

I am listening to Mick's songs now..with Rob Penner's accompaniment on the violin. It is from his CD, "Gold Rays"...songs he has written from 1982 to 2003 I think it said. It was remastered by Gord Braun in Yorkton. He is talking about the same things as Prem Rawat was talking about in the excerpt. Finding that place inside yourself. Mick and Rob have gotten that 'sweet' sense of longing down perfectly.

So, Prem Rawat said in the excerpt something about there is the thunder, the lightening, the wind..and then there is the rain... "and the message is: get busy getting wet".

I have been trying to do that. With a lot of help of course.

A Job Shouldn't Hurt

I am going to write the same thing I just wrote in my journal. I have been laying down for a few minutes....meditating and trying to get the pain out of my legs and body.

This is what has come to me: A JOB SHOULDN'T HURT.

That is MY bottom line.

Beyond the Pale

I have been pushed beyond my endurance level....and we will only talk about the physical aspect, not the emotional aspect, for this post. I am not going to put up with being pushed beyond endurance and into pain. That is the bottom line. They have no right to 'use' me like this. This is not, in the vaguest way, what I was told the job would entail.

This to me just reinforces my 'suspicion' that this so-called job is nothing but a sham and platform for a particular group of people to entertain themselves with their 'back door' activities. They seem to hire only certain 'types' of people anyway.

And then....when I blow because of the PAIN I am in...they turn around and accuse me of 'being the problem'. Even when I have to deal with passive aggressives who are too gutless and afraid to talk to me directly and so sabotage me , others who are totally immature and hence manipulative beyond belief, others who are in total denial.

That is the height of abuse. I have been suspicious before and now it is time that I should believe what I, myself, can see. I should believe in myself in other words that what I see is correct. Since most of these people are 'back door' types....and have no knowledge of their own hearts (although they can be shown their own hearts, their own selves...if they would care to know about that)...it is difficult to 'see' anything at the 'back door'....because you have to be in your heart to see anything that is real.

Deck the Halls a Third Time

Well...I had HOPED to 'deck the halls'. I had volunteered to HELP 'deck the halls'. I definately WANTED to 'deck the halls'. But the only one who got 'decked', it looks like, was me. 'Decked' in the modern colloquial meaning of the word. Meaning I was totally laid flat...emotionally and physically...by demands from a job that does not even fulfill my needs. I missed out on any meagre Christmas activities in my own building that would add to any possible enjoyment of this time of year. I missed out on an opportunity to demonstrate some 'social' desire to 'bond'. Everyone else is interacting and 'friendshipping'....except me...who has no one as usual.

So I am the only one who was DECKED.

I have been driven beyond the pale of human expectations, and certainly beyond what most people even at that job are expected to 'put out'.

I am not part of the leather crowd, after all. I do not enjoy pain....or convert it into some warped pleasure.

It's Not Home But It Has Its Advantages

This has been going through my head this evening. It is what Gwen replied when asked how it was to be living here at Cedar Wood Manor. I thought that was an apt reply...very astute as they say.

It does not 'feel' like it did to be in my own place. That is a somewhat discomforting feeling even when one is attempting to surrender to 'what one can't change', at least for the time being.

On the other hand, Prem Rawat is now talking about the real home..the one I have been to before...and which I am being taken to again..through this process of The Keys. I know my real home is inside. I am going to be learning to trust. Much needed.

Addendum:
I am trying the posting of a tiff...from a card I got for my mom.....not totally funny...but it does show how most people look to me...most of the time....(some of the time).

Deck the Halls Again

I was feeling somewhat whoosy this morning at 5:30am and should have called in sick. Because of the lack of proper staffing, I felt guilty that if I did not show up it would be very 'hard' for everyone else. Unfortuneately, it turned out to be me who found it very 'hard' today. Everyone else was chatting away to each other....doing the 'small talk'...slacking off...enjoying themselves. I felt very left out. I also felt I had more work than I could handle, for it being the third day in a row, at my age, and with these very long shifts. I just ran out of gas. And I felt imposed upon because it was the usual Sunday thing.

And...I missed helping with the decorations...in the main part of the building.....so I should have gone with my first thoughts...which were to not show up for work because I had intestinal problems. No one else is that diligent I don't think...except a few maybe.

The hall downstairs looks really nice. There are going to be Christmas trees all over the place. My neighbour has tried to organize some people who like singing Christmas Carols. They practice on Saturdays...so yesterday I heard them when I came home from my break. I don't feel Christmasy yet but at least there is some activity in that area.

I have some definate health issues...and sometimes I have been getting freaked out thinking about what the future holds in that area. I feel exceptionally stressed with this job. The only advantage is I do see people now and again....if that is an advantage.

This is a dumb post...so I may not post it. There is no law that says I have to post all of them. Also I noticed when you come into look at the blog from the old url you only get old posts...from August. I am not sure how to access the new blog I guess.

Deck the Halls

It is very very snowy today. Yesterday was the first real blizzard we have had and they say they expect about 20 cm. That is a lot of snow! Not as much as for the city to the north of us though. They already had a lot of snow before this most recent snow fall.

Yesterday was a day of rest for me. I found myself to be very low in energy. And again, not much sleep last night. I could say why but I won't.

This morning I have devoted to attempting to get invitations together to invite people to my place and also to get the decorations up....as much as I can possibly do anyway. Still have to get the curtain rods up and no ladder and no car now with this cold weather...so.....have to hang low I guess.

Addendum Dec. 2:
I have gotten the decorations up outside the door...the ones from the step. I have lost of others too....somewhere...but don't know where...not here.

It looks nice and is beginning to look very Christmasy around the building. I said I would help with the tree....downstairs. Hope that works out.

Asperger's and Therapy Dogs

I am amazed at how callous people are about my feelings towards Henry and my sense of loss. It indicates their total lack of knowledge or understanding about all the issues. I feel people have decided unilaterally to attempt to manipulate my feelings about my dog and loyalties. I have come across this many times now...not only being blocked from forming honest friendships but being blow off as I was a number of times, with Pixie for instance, or other dog's owners. (since someone, somewhere..and I am afraid to think who...has decided that I should not be in contact with dogs any more....or even love them)...They think I should be 'of service' as they define 'service', in their own pea brains, for their own benefits.

It would seem they are totally not interested in MY feelings. But then they don't have hearts, do they. Only egos about 'how good they are to be doing this'. "This" being their warped sense of 'charity'...like it was for a short while a few months ago....letting me have contact with the doggies. They were only interested in 'doing a good turn'...so to speak. Not about how awful I feel.

As far as I am concerned, in anything, unless there is heart-felt honesty, feeling, realness...it will 'never reach the mark'. And that brings me to the crux and point of this...which most people do not get....like the song says: "Chanting, fasting, charity, austerity will never bring you knowledge of the soul. Without the grace of....."

People don't get that. And I also see I am going to confuse people because I am talking about two things here...Knowledge and my own experiences with AS. Because of the Asperger's certain ways of relating will NEVER change. And dogs have been found to be really helpful because of their loyalty and loving natures to their masters. Because of the bond that forms. As Marissa said: I NEED a dog. This is a documented fact and is 'written about' in the literature to do with AS.

As far as I am concerned I will never be happy in any sense in the same way that I trusted Henry. In the same way that he was trying to be so good for me. And who else is there. Certainly no family. Certainly no friends. Certainly no one in THIS place.

Addendum (Ten days later):
Today on my way home from work I caught sight of a little white dog waddling home with its person. It had on a lovely red coat. I beleive I have met that dog before. I wish I had been a little quicker and I would have patted it. It warmed my heart so much just to see its little back-side way in the distance.

It is probably good to post things the same day or very soon after one has composed the post since time and life changes constantly and nothing remains the same from day to day. What I am really saying in the above comments is how much I miss have a wonderful little soft cuddly doggie to love...and who loves me....after all my efforts in training him...and all his efforts in learning to trust me....(this latter for what purpose since I turned out to be untrustworthy to him)....(I feel so bad about that)...this is the same kind of feeling I had about my dad...how this should never have happened...just like all the things that happened to dad should never have happened....his isolation, no one pulling up their end of the slack...(or even just their fucking socks for a change)... (just like me now)....similarly Henry's 'disappearance' as just a crucial time....all related to certain 'relatives' perspectives and how they interact with my perpecitive. It is awful to have to rely on anyone...and ahh...that is the whole point isn't it. I have just started the Keys Three. It is going to be soooo good. It is also going to be such a lesson in trust. I hope I can do it.

The "Lack of Empathy" Discussion

I have been sitting here trying to practice Knowledge and of course, my mind, wants to get in the way. This is topic I would like to address, especially in light of the spontaneous actions and hugs of Oprah by the little boy on her repeat show yesterday.

It demonstrates to me that this is, again, and as usual, a mis-interpretation by various NT's, and usually NT's of fairly high repute, or why an autistic person, or person on the autism spectrum, would behave the way that they behave. And, as usual, it is only because it is not 'what is expected'....by the NT's.

I would say that that little boy demonstrated a total ability to be empathetic and loving...but only because it was from a genuine source.

It makes me remember (and now understand)...the reason for certain people's reactions to my behavior. So what I am trying to say that I have come to realize is how my actions have impacted on another person. One in regard to the food given to me. And the other one I have just forgotten again (but will remember if the holes in my brain, made by Jim, are not too big).

So what is actually true is the putting together of all the reactions to understand why they happened. I have spent my whole life doing that. Most people, (and Jim was one who admitted it), don't have a clue why I am doing that or what I am doing it for..... the analysis of the conversations or incidents for instance. It is to understand what people were 'really saying'...in other words their true intensions..which were lost or which were unable to be absorbed consciously at the time of the incidents.

But I do realize that I have indeed a LOT of empathy. But the timing is a little off. It takes a while to process it all.

Baking Bread at Home

Last night I made a loaf of bread for the first time in a long time....in my own bread maker. This was during the dance that was happening last night. I really felt that it was not my time to go down and be at the dance. It did not call me in any way to be there. I did clean myself up though, and I did look down through the window and saw some of the 'usuals' who like to go.

It really felt like a time for me to be 'at home'...and I was.

It is funny that I should bring this up as they have a category of bread (or at least it is one of the stages of the bread)...at work..which is called Bake@Home. Mostly I call it Shake and Bake. I do notice though, over the last number of days that much of that bread has been sold in the store.

People do like to have the impression of fresh bread and certainly who has the time to do the actual 'making'. That is one thing I miss about not being with Jim and it is one thing that I enjoyed about him. The bread making. In fact, this life here is very desolate in terms of sharing any enjoyment...that way. I have not found anything that really 'touches' me.

Maybe that will come.

The Studio

Here it is, the third day of a break, and I have been going over and over in my mind....what I want to do with the piece that has been sitting on the table all this time. I know exactly what I want to do. This is what bugs me. So many distractions and small errands and miscellaneous things that need doing.

And here I have a whole exhibition in my head. And so slow in being able to concentrate on it. And I really like how they are evolving... in this piece as an example. So far away from completion...and only really one piece, but not very far away, and not very far along either. (I think this is my attempt at an Asperger joke again...pun, you know.) I am sure they will be ok. AND...they totally relate to my new understanding of myself. And my recent experiences.

I will try to include a small photo of my 'studio space'.

November 27, 2006
Now it is the start of a 4 days reprieve. Four Days! I really want to put it to good use. A bad sleep again last night. Three in a row now. But I stayed in bed as long as possible, after finally falling asleep (sort of)....after listening to my ipod for a couple of hours in bed....in the middle of the night.

The Little Red Haired Boy

Well...I haven't written here for a while....and I have probably gotten into trouble because of that...because in its place I have gone back to 'journalling' which encompases many negative thoughts as well as just rose-glassed...'positive thoughts....and since I am trying only to write 'positive' things....that meaning, not expressing any anger or comments people might not take 'positively' themselves......well!... I have had a few moments that I wanted to express here but much distractions and fatigue have caused a delay.

There was something yesterday, though, on Oprah that directly relates to me so I would like to say a few words.

It is about, Reiss, the little red haired boy who spoke so eloquently and did the impersonation of the dinasaur. He is a prime example of someone with Aspergers Syndrome.....for those who want to know what it looks like. Dinasaurs are very interesting to kids and kids with AS just seem to gravitate to them for some reason. Or so it says in the articles. But there he is...a very sweet kid...and you notice how he reacted to Oprah's kind words to him...with a hug....which is what happens with people with AS. (And this is a trait I would like to rectify in some of the 'literature' about people with AS not wanting physical contact). It is not the contact that is repulsed. It is whether it is genuine and sincere (which people with AS can pick up on immediately). He was very articulate (the little professor). And I missed the following part yesterday but I remember when all the kids were lined up on the stage, he set himself apart from them. He was not part of a 'group'. He was just there beside them. "Parallel play" they call it I think.

All of these traits follow a person with AS though their whole life. One does not 'outgrow' any of this, because it is hard-wired. The only change is that over time, as one gets older, one has been able to eliminate patterns that did not work for a person, in terms of communication or expressing needs or acquiring what one needs. But since life changes so dramatically all the time, often these 'patterns' become obsolete. I think this is where some of this so-called 'ridgidity' comes into that some people write about. It is an inability to transfer reactions to suite the environment in a timely fashion. And it is the cause of people with AS wanting things 'to be the same'. You don't have to 'intellectually' learn all the associations again.

Unfortunately, life is not like that. Such was the trauma of my move in May, after 23 years in the same enrivonment. Not to mention losing everything that I loved.....or that I associated with love. Not to mention losing ALL my TRUST. Since the so-called move involved many people with many differing agendas. Many different 'groups' in other words, banding together to make my life love-less. Or so it might seem. Ignorance, in other words.

I could think of it like that....or I guess I could try to think of it as falling through the bottom of the barrel. Then finding my parachute in Knowledge.

As far as this little red-haired boy goes, though, he will probably be fine. Obviously he has good contacts, and parents and a family that are aware and looking out for him. And he is smart, and will no doubt find an occupation where he can shine, and where no one will notice his deficits. No neglect or abandonment there!

Breakfast for Rwanda

This morning I went to a breakfast to raise money for wheelchairs for people in Rwanda. There was a very nice power-point presentation which I enjoyed. It was to raise money for two local people to go to Rwanda. They are taking 4 wheelchairs to present to people who have nothing to get around with and make do by crawling on the ground or staying in their houses. They are also building a Peace Centre there...in Kilgali I think. That was great news. I asked for someone to correspond with, and also sent some material of Prem Rawat's message of peace with one of the people going to Rwanda. I really enjoyed the morning.

Perhaps I will get a chance to talk to them when they come back.

Bird In the Bakery

Yesterday, when I could finally surface at 2:30pm from the back dark cold panning area (I started work at 7am. yesterday)...when I came to the front where it is warm and light-filled,...or so it seemed.......
yesterday, there was a little bird in the store. A customer smiled at me and pointed behind me and there it was...sitting on a loaf of bread...(Canadian Harvest which has the seeds!!). It had somehow gotten in to get warm. Then I got afraid for it, because the whole picture then came into view...especially if it was sitting where it was sitting. The woman saw my discomfort and said, "I won't tell, for sure". It made the whole day's darkness go away for a few minutes while I watched the bird fly around...I even got a chance to 'connect' with a co-worker over it.

This is the same phenomenum that I see would happen here in this 'No Animals Allowed' building. People would be able to relate on a different level...a level of the heart....or most would. There are always die-hard spoilers. (And basically that is what they do,...die hard).

November 18, 2006
It has been about two weeks since the little bird came into the store by accident. The last three days have been actually quite warm, considering the time of year. But the little bird has not been in the store since last weekend. I remember looking at it fly around and thinking it was like it was with me and Henry the few days before I had to move and we were both so in tune with each other and nature...and yet in the back of my mind, even though I didn't know exactly what was going to happen (and certainly not what did eventually happen with such tragic results for everyone involved)...I knew that the little bird's days were numbered. He was in jail anyway....even if it was a seemingly nice jail. He was not free to be a bird. I asked around as to what had happened but nobody wanted me to know...and feigned ignorance. I doubt that it was taken kindly out, with a net. More likely, knowing the people who do these things (and often with such glee)...he was more likely killed. It makes me very sad. It was a tiny glimmer of life in a very life-less environment.

Scientific American, November 06 edition

A day or two ago, while I was charging through Wal-Mart, I was stopped in my tracks by this copy of the Scientific American which just seemed to jump out at me.

It would seem some Italian scientists (as well as some American scientists in San Diego) have done some research and discovered that that are things called 'mirror neurons' which are disfunctional in the brains of children with autism. They control the ability to duplicate an action by another person inside the brain and therefore the ability to interpret another person's intensions.

There are two very informative articles: "Mirrors in the Mind" and "Broken Mirrors, A Theory of Autism".

It is interesting that I wrote about this topic and used the same word 'Mirror' in a previous post from a few days ago. See"Friendliness, Friendship and Mirrored Images". Sometimes my intuition is very good.

Update, Nov. 4, 2006, 4:30pm
A very very strenuous day at work. They expect us to do the work of two or three people. I am very interested that I chose the words 'Mirror'...in light of these discoveries of the 'mirror neurons' near the amygdala portal of the brain. I believe I have an uncanny ability to diagnose these things...before I even know what it is all about. Take the sleep apnea for instance. Or take the aperger's, or the things to do with Jim. And now this. I knew something would be discovered in this area. Great news.

Is There Poetry in Pottery?

This is what my friend, Mick, wanted to contribute to my blog...a poem he wrote to me in 1993 and which I put on a plate. I now have the plate in my new apartment and so I will take a photo to go with this poetry contribution.

.....from Mick in his email:


Is There Poetry in Pottery?

Yes!
Images
and dreams
a shared splendor--

it is all
in the transforming
of the eye
and hand--

turning mud and water
into textured
shapes--

So the beholder
is reflected in

these shining surfaces.

(1993)

Mick also wrote:
original version of my poem as trascribed onto pottery plates and bowls by "mad ark", 1993, Regina

14 lines, a proto-liberated sonnet

(In case the stanzas get broken up by email page divisions the correct number of lines for each stanza follows:
4/4/3/2/1
How about that??!)

How nice!

2:30pm

What a nice surprise for me when I got home. A bouquet of flowers and a newspaper and various returned containers were draped over my door knob. In exchange for the Shepard's Pie I made yesterday...and maybe the photo CD of the Hallowe'en things....and maybe just to be nice.

A very nice thing to come home to...after such a strenuous day at work, today. Much appreciated.

Hallowe'en at Cedar Wood Manor

A number of people dressed up and some decorations were strung about. They did a good job on their costumes. And.....the good idea...all the chairs were placed like an audience beside the door for when the kids came..in their costumes. It was a little much for some of the kids though. They didn't expect to 'perform' when they came for candies....trick or treat.

I Miss My Baby Dog So Much

8:40pm
A very busy day today. Just back from my fiddle lesson. I have been up and very very active since 4:30am this morning. Work was very busy today.

I cried again today thinking of Henry. I looked at this picture and thought about how wonderful it would be to hold him again and touch his lovely fur....and see so much love and trust.

More than I deserved for sure.

Food for Thought

6:00pm

I have not made it to do my errands yet today and maybe that will not happen now. I was called into work this morning just as I was getting into blogging and stuff. That is ok. But it did not 'feel' like my day to be at work. I felt like I was out of step and in someone elses 'time'. I don't exactly know what that means.

And.....I promised myself that I was not going to 'blab' about things. I was only going to describe tiny small things of large consequence....small moments of peace, perhaps.

Someone came to my door just as I got back from my stint, yesterday that was actually. They gave me some vegetables that are a little worse for wear. I put them away carefully in the fridge and this morning set them beside the stove so that I would not forget that I was planning to 'do something' with them. Doing things with food is often a very enjoyable and compensatory activity.

So today was a good day to do that...I feel you are honouring a person when you 'do something' with their food. Either something they have made...or something they give to you. I learned that from Ben. Or perhaps I knew it before and was thrilled that he did that. Sometimes it makes for a lot of extra work. But it is basically a respectful thing to do.

I also got some red peppers, mushrooms I had frozen, some olives and part of the tomato that is left...and made two small pizzas....this is on top of the vegetable gifts.

Because the vegetables were actually not as described to me over the phone when offered and actually a little more worse for wear than I had expected, I have attempted some tomato sauce and a pot of borscht. They seem to be doing ok. I will let the borscht cool and run it though the blender I got this summer fo 2.00 at a garage sale near by.

If the sauce is good maybe I will give it back to the person as a demonstration of goodwill.

An Inconvenient Truth

Last night I took myself to the library to see the Al Gore film. It is truly very very imformative. He really has been able to explain most of the 'blocks' that are in the way of understanding the urgency of this issue. He is doing much 'greater' work than any presidency would have allowed...given the way politics are.

It is so worth seeing.

I am trying to copy the widget for the film from www.climatecrisis.net

This blogger site will not let me for some reason. (maybe because it is HTML..rather than RRS)

Friendliness, Friendship and Mirrored Images

I remember at work at the beginning how everyone was sooooo friendly to me. They went out of their way to WELCOME ME. For that I am very GRATEFUL although I have never had the chance to say that to anyone. I appreciated their attempts. Somewhere along the line though, things have gotten confused.

I beleive I have given the impression (to some perhaps), that I do not need any friendly gestures. Perhaps even in encouraging people to come here to read my blog...I see today that there is opportunity for mis-interpretation....in their understanding of some of the things that I have written. True, on those days, when I am experiencing that lovely feeling inside, it is possible to be totally happy by oneself. But that is not a rule. It would be great to be 'there' all the time...but I am a human being...I don't seem to have that skill or ability to turn it on or off at will. The experience is more like a god-given grace if anything.

So it is very very disappointing to me to observe how the atmosphere and responses to me are changing. Even criticism of my job performance (although I know mistakes can be made at any time and for me, it is not because of any attitude of negligence). I believe the change is directly because of the 'incongruence' mentioned in other areas of this blog.

I am disappointed in... myself.

I believe it is because of my brain function and brain deficit in my ablitiy to pick up on facial expression and mirror them back. Because I do notice that most people mirror others in their interactions and study other's expressions for impact and how they are being received. Because it is THIS group though, it is hard for part of me not to feel it is being done on purpose. I say this because a couple of weeks ago I feel they were still open to me and were at that point, playing a game. The game being that they were 'copying' me. I say this because of the way one person laughed when I tried to make a friendly gesture, as she went by ignoring me...copying just like I probably look like I appear to be ignoring them. And the 'friendly gesture' on my part was so inappropriate and out of order (given their action)...that they saw it as funny...which I guess it was.

The problem is that as time progresses and as acceptance changes and life goes on so to speak...we get to the point mentioned in the film "The Boy Inside" which was aired on CBC last week and over the weekend. The boy says 'he can make friends, he just can't keep them'. The boy has Asperger's. And that is where the problem arises...after you have gotten to know someone and they sort of like you and you like them...and then they want you to behave in a certain way...and that is where it is very difficult to 'mirror' their requirements.

Perhaps because the Asperger people just can't see it, and I think, perhaps because, for me for example, if I feel I have been done wrongly which I have felt I have by certain people there...I find it hard to shrug it off. I want to know that they acknowledge what they have done before I can move on. The person who did take advantage of me one day, did attemt to explain her 'ways' to me and I accepted her explanation...but I guess also at the time was a realization that she didn't really 'get it'. But still, mostly I appreciated the gesture.

All of this is analysis , after the fact, and totally uselss. I know that. For this I am a dork. But I am a dork anyway so what is there to lose.

The difference in people's reactions is quite important to me. It reminds me of when I worked for a private person about 30 years ago. She made me 'greet' people at the door. This was waaaaay before the corporate biggies had figured out this was a 'good thing' for their business. She did it for more personal reasons although she was a good business person also. The thing about it though, was that it changed my life. Suddenly people were very friendly to me. Suddenly people appeared to like me. Suddenly I felt part of something. Suddenly an emply hole was filled inside.

It didn't last forever....that feeling...but I will remember those incidents forever.

On another level, that brings to mind something else too. That perhaps that incident was a little gift... to me...from somewhere.

The Bottom Line and The Colour Mauve

It is scary how these corporations rule the life of the lower classes. It is scary how they demand more and more out of the bodies of their employees....while returning very little and inadequate compensence for that labour. This period now, is like it was in the middle of the 19th century. Nothing has changed. I have thought this before, off and on, for many years,when I mull over things...long before I worked for a corporation of this size. It is not as if one can leave the exhaustion at the door when one leaves one's shift. It takes hours to recover.

Can you believe it but the corporaton's policy is to nigardly dole out ' designated amounts of time' to be used by the supervisors...who desperately have to scramble to compensate for the inadequte designation...to schedule any employees for work...They must not schedule more work for the employees than designated as needed by the corporation and the amount designated is only in relation to amount of product sold...

It is no wonder that the younger generation does not have the same 'work ethic' as the previous generation. It is no wonder that they do not have 'company loyalty' as I have seen it written about. It is no wonder they switch jobs as they see fit. Why should they do any of these things. What are these companies doing in return for this labour which allows only a very lowly living standard....while they reap profits...with which, who knows, what they do. Something loud and flashy now doubt. But nothing to aid the world in any real way in its sorry sorry state.

Even on a local level...never mind the incessant pollution to the earth....by the waste generated with all the crap produced...even on a local level...where a simple thing...like directling food items most poor people would never buy (deli things for instance) to people who are hungry for half of the month...even then...their policy is to throw out garbage cans full of useful food. All it would take is a little organization. But then that would be money spent on something other than profit, wouldn't it. Better to come up with a lame excuse about food poisoning or something along that line.

All this reminds me of the book "Mauve"...which I got out of the library a few years ago and which is a most interesting and informative book. It is about how the colour mauve came into being in the middle of the 19th century...amidst the chemical fiascos and experimentation and river pollution and death and sickness of workers. A lot of it was because of the ignorance or man and the consequences of greed.....just like now. All those names from that century...(well not all of them, but many)...who made themselves very rich by inventing something, or creating a process...and all on the backs of the poor.

This latter phrase has become a cliche unfortunately. Even though it is an appropriate picture that is painted by the words.
When you read the book you become so aware that in 200 years nothing has changed. It is frightening. Only the players and the details have changed. The consciousness...no.

Fiddle Tune Evening

Last night was a departure from the usual fiddle lesson. All levels of fiddle players, beginners, intermediates and seniors were asked to gather on the stage of the auditorium of the college where the fiddle lessons are held.

On the stage...opposite the 'students'...were a local collection of players who have a name but which I won't mention here. I was late getting there and there were very few chairs left. I felt dopey because I had forgotten that it was a 'special night'. And I was ill prepared as usual....because of so much energy going into "maintenance activites'...like recovering from the job...and had not had much time to practice.

I got grumpy. And I had forgotten my recording devices....of which I have very good ones and for which this would have been a rare and opportune time to use them. I also wanted to be more in line with the collection of players who faced the main body of students...all being on the stage together though.

Finally I decided to move and took a chair to the very back. I alway feel so self-conscious at the front anyway.

I only listened at first. But you know...these tunes are so nice....and so easy in a way...(I suppose you could add things and make them much more difficult and advanced if you wanted to)...that I finally got into it. But I have been afraid to actually put the bow to the strings. I don't mind fingering the notes and reading the music...but I know the sound that comes out of the violin is sooooo bad that I did not want to draw attention to myself.

But just finguring the notes and letting the others make the sound was kind of nice. I got to hear what the tunes sounded like...and they are very very good. I told my old teacher, the one who composed the tunes, that they were better than the traditional tunes. And I really think they are. I would like to learn them all.

Someone came and talked to me after. And this morning, I realized the body language was about 'being friends'. I think so anyway...it is sort of how little boys behave when they are trying to be friends with someone. Mostly I felt very afraid for myself. I was not sure how I would react. So I kind of scurried off.

The Cassandra Syndrome

This is an interesting phenomena. Well...not for me it isn't. But in an abstract sense it is.

It is also the name of the Greek persona that I picked to represent me.....when asked by Jim to do so, in the initial stages of his attempting to seduce me.

I remember that stopped him in his tracks because it was very convenient choice on my part... for him, and his ruse.

And it is very unfortunate....for me.

I feel, now, a lot of it is because of the aforementioned 'incongruence'. The incongruence in my body language and my verbal language causes people not to believe that I know anything, or have anything to offer them. I guess that means they do not trust me, I suppose. How bizarre. Because that is one of the traits of someone with Asperger's....they are generally very trustworthy and will do what they say they will do. They do not lie like NT's lie...who do so as a general state of being....while they receive and send non-verbal language to each other on 'what is really being said'.

This lack of belief in me affects all areas of my life. I really don't know how to change the body language bit. I have been going to phone someone for assistance in this area and will when I get more time.

Fresh Air

9:25am

Got carried away this morning about blogging....mostly while I was doing the laundry. Thank goodness I got in there ealier because someone just came with a tonne. So.... I..am...out...of...there.

We are getting a new roof on the dining area which is just outside my area. Because there are 'windows' that open down to the lower floor, and because the roofing crew have the patio doors open on the lower floor to drag the 'out-take' to their truck at the back, this floor has gradually cooled off this morning. (which for me is a great treat as the little old ladies like it very very warm).

But it has allowed wonderful FRESH air to waft upstairs. It smells wonderful.

The Gold Mine

7:00am

A day off. I find it a very precious time.

The other day I received an email austencibly about a new gold mine prospect in South America being proposed by Barrick Inc. It would be a massive project involving the digging of a huge area of the rain forrest. It would involve the total polution of water sources for many many people, and therefore, the destruction of their lives. If the 'rumour' is correct then this project would be another example of a company totally lacking in any integrity or honour.

It is the kind of information that stirs such a feeling of powerlessness. Signing all the emails you want will never create the kind of lobby required to stop this kind of greed and horror, in my opinion. Who is going to read them is what I always think. What person, with the power to actually influence a project like this in a possitive way, would have access to this email or care.

I received another email this morning from the person who sent it. Apparently that is an old 'rumour'.

I do not understand how so many people are so ignorant, and so caught up in the greed, that they would even consider going ahead with a awful awful thing like this....for gold yet. For what good is this for anyone. What ir-repairable damage will be done to the earth. Why would they not care or consider that. (I guess that is the definition of greed, eh).

I end up again feeling so powerless.

What I am glad about when considering these acts, is that I have a place to go inside....where the real Gold Mine is. If only these people would know that....they would re-consider what they are doing...I am sure....because the reason they chase after this crap in the first place is because they are so empty inside, and are trying to fill the hole with external treasures.

Passive Agresson Vs. Confrontation

4:30pm
This is a topic I would like to explore. I am going to leave it for now. Passive Agressive people are rampant in the "Recovery" programme.....or so I feel I have observed.....and certainly I have experienced that at work, and other places.

Some people are very afraid of being confrontational.....or in my way of thinking....actually being honest, and saying what they actually mean....as opposed to lying (which is what most people spend their lives doing). That is another trait of Asperger people. Honesty. But in a way that is off-putting to many NT's (that is neurotypicals if you are wondering what NT stands for).

And when you add the "Recovery" people into the mix....well!....we do have a problem. "Recovery" people are often in denial....and certainly are 'not used' to being honest with themselves....let alone anyone else.

Passive agressive people are very very scary because of their lack of honesty with THEMSELVES. I think at one time, when I was very young, in my twenties say, I, certainly, probably, was passive agressive. I certainly was AFRAID to tell people what I was thinking at any given time. I certainly was AFRAID of the reaction of any confrontation and looked on that trait as being very suspect and something to be avoided. I looked on it as not an honourable thing. Crazy eh? People would rather LIE to themselves that have the courage to be HONEST. AND put someone down at the same time for having that trait. Very very warped.

To be compassionate though, this last memory of how I was in the past, reminds me that most people do, in fact, feel totally powerless in doing anything about their own actions. Many people do not have the strong inner core that develops from being shown who you are....deep inside. Especially if you are younger and have not much life-experience. That is not to say that many people do not come to a wisdom in the final years that is so admirable. My friend, Ben, who was 94 when he died was one of the wisest people I have ever known...not to mention having such a fantastic way with people. For a few short months, after he died, much of his 'ways' rubbed off on me...and I was able to parrot some of his methods. (But it is not inate for me, so other influences have superceded). It was a wonderful experience, though, to have that 'power' to influence people.

Thinking of Ben reminds me of the possibility to get what you want without so-called 'aggression' and the counter-point, the frustration that comes from never getting what you want. He was a master at getting what he wanted...in such a gentle, kind and nice way. He also always knew how to 'give people what they want'. And, that was his strength.

Somehow I get very very afraid in many of situations. It is that Asperger anxiety.

I think "giving people what they want' is basically the key. Yes..... Giving people what they want. For me that is very hard. Not being able to 'read' what people want. I have noticed how people have been very kind in many ways...but they want something in return....and really, what have I got to offer. At least with my pottery I could give that. That is why it is always a one time thing. They feel they have 'done their duty'. They are not even conscious of their expectations of my short-comings.

Salt and Pepper

4:00pm
Just back from the job. A very very trying day. Feel very taken advantage of...but will have to see how things turn out. That is one thing that happens to people with Asperger's Syndrome. We are not good at standing up for ourselves...no matter what other people say to encourage that....which is what one of the other staff did. That is a documented fact. The young ones there are very good at manipulating the situation for their own benefits and in fact, feel that they are entitled to do that.

However....

....I wanted to talk about Spider and Bailey....two baby dogs who came for a walk with their mama yesterday about the time I was getting home in the car. We talked for a long time....me and the mama. And I got to hug the babies who were very very friendly and came when I called them...but the black one, Spider is his real name....wandered off , sniffing the field...the mama said she was not concerned but he did get out of sight.....so I hope nothing happened to him. The white doggy was very very attentive...waiting for the signal to move on. She said the neighbourhood children call them Salt and Pepper.....which would be apt names for the smooochies.

Patience

They say patience is a virtue. I can see from the others in this place (that being my apartment building for older people and disabled people and people with brain disorders), or just because I am getting older, and because you have to rely on others more than you did before, one has to curry patience.

For instance, because there are so many things to do on my lists, and because I have to "recover" from the exhaustion of the job, the time on my days off becomes so precious. Yesterday for instance, seemed to float along for a very long day...and I feel I was very good to myself and got 'most' of what I wanted to get done. But those things that cannot be done by oneself...not the smaller everyday things like getting vegetables or paying bills or cooking food or answering emails or doing dishes or getting ready to go out...those things that require 'another person' may as well be from the moon.

I have, for instance, been waiting now for someone to help take in the air conditioner. (someone has promised...so I will have PATIENCE). I have also been hoping for 5 months now that someone will come with an adequate hammer drill and, having the expertise, be able to 'install' the ceiling hooks in the cement ceiling, so that I can hang my lamp. Also my shelf, a very heavy one, needs two people to put it up. I figured I could get the picture hooks in the right place...with a little mathematics...and I think they will be enough to hold it....but I need that extra shoulder to get it up on the wall.

I made an attempt at getting someone to help about 3 weeks ago and spent most of one of my days off concentrating on getting that job done. But to no avail. I did call a concrete person who said they would drop by. Now that it is very cold out perhaps they will have to discontinue the pouring of concrete and perhaps he will be able to bring a more adequte hammer jack and some plugs and I could trade him for some chili...which is what I would like to propose, if he is willing.

Words

6:30am

Two days ago there was a massive misunderstanding around the use of words and numbers at work. I am hoping there will not be any more 'fall-out' from it. There were also, 'words', between myself and another worker there. I did not take any of it to be a problem until I arrived yesterday at work and was told someone was upset at me. I can see that the root cause of the conflict though, was about changes in expectations, routines and agendas, and perseveration. This latter word also has a dual meaning depending upon the reference point.

Most of it was my fault. And it turned out that, in the end, because of my perseveration, I totally messed up the packaging of one of the items. Nothing that would cost anyone any money....except yesterday was an even more nuts day because the person was sick and they already have us stretched to any human limit in terms of pace and expectations of task accomplishment. In other words they are short staffed to begin with. The reason I messed up the packaging though was because of fancy-footwork in the laying out of the item involved. It was not the way I remembered it being taught and did not jive with my visual reference.

So I went along with the reference as I knew it, not realizing there was another element that one couldn't reference visually. I know I had been told by this person how they did it before but I did not remember. And it was close to the end of my 8 hours and I had been going flat out for that period of time, and so really couldn't process any information that was not on automatic pilot.

The other mistake, if it was one, since I was doing the baking yesterday and so I felt I was just finishing-up, but the other thing I did not do which had been done before...was to switch roles so that person could be at the front....and then I go do stuff at the back. I don't really care actually which is which. I am willing to switch. But that day, I was totally IN THE ZONE so to speak...and the baking was going very smoothly....And I suppose I was proud of the fact that it had gone so well. (Not that it could be repeated like that every day). But I kind of wanted to continue in that mode. But on another level, it was PERSEVERATION. When I got home yesterday I could see that.

The point is none of this is really of any importance in the gist of things in terms of job performance, except that people hold these things against you.

And this is where the Asperger's issues come into play as causing 'issues'. And I really like this person so it would be such a shame for something silly like this to come between us.

I wanted to discuss also the different use of words in the context of the two areas of interest for me just now: Asperger's and "Recovery". I find this very interesting that the same 'words' are used in both areas. Eg. Perseveration vs. Perseverance, or Incongruence vs. Inconguity, or 'devil' (used in a slang way on www.wrongplanet) vs. 'bedevilment' (used to mean lack of control over substance-abuse) and other examples which I will remember at some point.

I find this interesting because I feel that somehow the scientists are going to find, and perhaps soon, how all of these 'brain issues' are caused by faulty wiring in the emotional area of the brain. (Is that Area 25 I think?). And that they are all related (ADD, Asperger's, so-called 'Recovery'). They have all been given different meanings by different "groups' or references, but all refer to the same deficit. And the deficit causes the same emotional response and therefore the same problem with 'cravings' regardless of how you define the use of the words.

BUT one last note on all this discussion about words....because really, the bottom line is the solution. And the bottom line has to be THE HEART. So all this discussion is just that: duality of the mind vs. the singularity and simplicity of the heart. These conflicts can be happening, but with Knowledge, you have the option to 'opt out' so to speak...an go inside.

And the interesting thing about it is: these 'communities' (in literature, for example, say St. Exupery) recognize this conclusion (that I mention above), as being the solution. I guess being an Asperger person you always want to know why as well. I guess that is why I am interested in this contrast and compare exercise.

Smells

Almost Noon

There are lovely scents of FLOOR POLISH and APPLE SAUCE wafting into my apartment just now. Hmmm....



On another level there is "something fishy is the state of Denmark". Hacking, you know. Very stinky. Someone passed by, in the hall, and mentioned smells....and I hadn't even posted this yet. What am I to think of that?

Spices

This morning is a day off.

Already I have had an enjoying hour making another loaf of rye bread....cleaning up after the turkey...(I know, very late but I have been so tired). And then I got into my new containers which were very inexpensive at the food store the other day...which I had hoped to give people turkey in...and maybe still might, given that it is not mis-construed.

But I also observed that they were the exact size needed for my spice collection which was in bags and rather unruly. So I have had to appropriate them for that purpose.

My spice section in my cabinets is looking very tidy now. I really enjoyed that little interlude.

The Dance

3:00pm

The other day, NOT today, which is very very cold and snowing even...the other day, perhaps one of the days last week, when I was on the very early shift at work and worked the first hour just by myself, I had a very 'interesting time'.

I kept counting up to eight...as in "five, six, seven, eight", as I arranged the trays of bread and counted the ones on the racks over and over again to make sure I had not made a mistake. At first, I was not aware that I was doing that...but later when I did the previously mentioned 'panning', and there were not so many distractions, I became aware of the counting of the numbers.

I laughed a little to myself even. I tried to make a joke of the fact that I was counting to eight over and over again. I believe other people were milling aroung at the time also but, of course, they would not understand what I did attempt to describe to them at one point.

And.....Because of my AS, I have only just now processed this little event to its full meaning.

It was THE DANCE....the dance of life....the ability to find that joy in my own heart. I am wanting to learn a waltz on the fiddle called "In My Own Heart I Can Dance With You". I have only just now put that desire together with that event of counting.

For people who wonder, the 'you' that is referred to is not something outside oneself. And my experience has just proved it...... to myself.

A Rose by Any Other Name...A Salty Tough Old Bird

5:30am

My turkey turned out well...considering it had been in the freezer for almost a year. It would have been awful and tough without my putting it in the brine first. It is the first time I have cooked a turkey that way and think it needed to be soaked in plain water after the brine, before cooking it. Perhaps.

I gave a neighbour some to take home. Apparently it was passed to another neighbour. Apparently the concensus was it was good.

As is usual with this person, giving from my heart takes a lot of strength in not being attached to the 'giving'. A 'salty old bird' for a 'salty old bird'.

I am Unique

12:32pm

Today is Thanksgiving Day, 2006

Right now, I want to give thanks where thanks is due.

I am so so happy right now. I feel so connected....to my lovely inner self. To the Ocean of Joy that Prem Rawat talks about. I am listening to his cassette tape "Save the Day". It also has beautiful music on it. I am cooking my turkey. I have invited a few people directly (that is good)...and some people indirectly (by means of a sign downstairs in this building...and we will see if that is a mistake or not).

If anybody comes that will be fine. (I am a little scared. I am not good at inviting people over or knowing what to do when they get here). If nobody comes that will be ok too. In fact, it might be better, who knows. As I am good at enjoying myself, by myself.

I went to the food store ealier to pick up some vegetables and a gallon of whipping cream (which I will have to freeze I suppose).

On the way I thought how, today, just now, I am really feeling how UNIQUE I am...just like Prem Rawat says...how all of us, each of us, are each unique. Mostly I do not appreciate it when I am in the sea of troubles rather than the Ocean of Joy. On my way to the food store I was thinking how lucky I am to have received this gift of Knowledge...to know my own heart.

So I am giving THANKS to where thanks is due. I have been thinking, for a nice change, how thankful I am for have been shown this gift...that everyone already has....inside.

The Fog

7:30am

Thanksgiving Day, 2006

There is a thick, thick fog stretched all across the field outside my window. You can only see the line of cars parked along the edge on the other side of the lane.

We don't get so much fog like that here....very often.

8:00am

Already the fog is lifting before I can get a photo. I will run downstairs and see what I can get on the camera.

The Rolling Stones

8:30am

Mick is prancing outsite my window as we speak....really! Only, he, and the band, are just on the OTHER side of the downtown..just a stones' throw away actually. I can hear him singing his heart out on "Angie"....and they did play "Paint it Black". It is as close as I will ever come....another notch in my life never to be achieved. I was considering attempting to run over there by myself and get a last minute deal...or I could have taken the person from work up on her parent's tickets, but in the end, in spite of the amazing sound system THIS city will probably never see the likes of again...I had to bow out and believe 'good things for me will be coming'.

It is a night like tonight...when the warriors 'on the other side' are there enjoying themselves with not one thought of including you....the 'relatives' that Arjun sees on the other side of the battlefield. The ones that Krishna says Arjun will have to fight and maybe kill, and to which Arjun replies that he can't, that he has lived with these people, he has loved these people:they are his extended family.

This is all philosophical but it is Thanksgiving...with no thought of anyone to have thanks with. And those that I have loved passionately and very well without selfishness have no thought of you...what-so-ever. Mostly because of personality (mine) and because of a deficit I was born with. Seems unfair doesn't it.

It is nights like tonight that I am more and more grateful for the gift of Knowledge that Maharji gave me 25 years ago.It is not easy to be grateful on nights like tonight. I guess someone knew I would desperately need it. Other people can receive Knowledge that do not live in such an isolated and desparate state as I do so don't use me as an example. I just know that it is the only thing that has seen me though all this rejection...and even through a Rolling Stones concert.

Now the crowd is howling. The thing about it though....it is a 'crowd sport'. And that is the whole point...for someone like me it often just seems like a big black hole....since there is no connection to anyone. You really have to have your own 'crowd' to go with...or at the very least your own 'person'..or 'dog'. It isn't exactly something to do on your own.

I did see Leonard Cohen on my own though...such was my desire not to be left out...in fact I saw him twice. Probably the only singer I would do that for.

If you cook it, they will come. That is my philosophy for tomorrow. I will make Thanksgiving dinner. I will enjoy it. I will invite anyone here who has nobody, to come.

Earlier, about 5pm...when most people WOULD be having their Thanksgiving dinner if they were having it today, the sunday, I took my washing to the laundry on the floor above, the laundry on this floor being pretty much out of order still. I waited while it washed and dried outside in the little sitting area there is on every floor. I found the book 'City of Joy' in the book stand. I had seen it a number of weeks ago when I was passing but this time I decided to look at it. I have always enjoyed the movie even though it is flawed artistically. I think it is an apt and interesting book. Anand Nagar. Maharaji has mentioned that place on occasion. I think I will enjoy reading it.

Well...Mick is still howling away. The crowd is still howling. I wish I were there. I can feel the energy even here. I don't know why I have to be alone so much. It is hard to make friends. And it is definately hard to keep friends. Mostly it is hard to find the mutual respect and consideration and admiration that I think defines friendship. The kind of person who would go with you to a Stones concert. It is hard not to offend people. It is hard not to be offended.

Flowers at the Base of my Tree

5:00pm
There have been carnations and roses and various other flowers from someone's bouquet strewn haphazardly at the base of the tree outside my apartment window. I have been wanting to go down and gather them up and bring them up to my apartment for the last two or three days...they have been there that long. They seemed to have been totally disregarded in spite of the extra car in the parking spot beside the tree...or because of...it was a mystery to me. People have been coming and going and nobody seemed to want them.

So it has turned out a neighbour, the one whose spot was beside the tree, is having an 80th birthday party shin-dig downstairs, just now, as we speak. 'A private party' , the sign says. Many people have turned up. A very young man talked to me as I limped in from work, hardly able to lift my feet or look at him as I checked for my mail, telling me who the dozens of people had come to feast. He thought I was a guest and so would want to check my coat. He was very polite.

I guess this person is very well respected in her 'crowd'. I guess she has many 'friends'. I guess she would be considered a 'piller of society'. I bet she got lots of presents.

I wanted to go up by the stairs and so avoid the huge crowd but my legs would not co-operate. I can hardly walk these days after being on my feet for so long. I knew I would never make it up the stairs.

I have just taken a peek out the window. It has been raining all day. The discarded flowers are still there. They will be very wet.

Maybe, if no one is around, when the crowd thins, I will go and see if any of them are good enough to salvage for a bouquet.

Incongruence and No Sleep

4:30am

It was at the point when she, (being the addictions counsellor), said, that "there was incongruence", that I knew we had a problem, Houston. It was at that point that I tried to 'discuss' this point.

And, unfortunately, that is when the 'little devil' that the Groovy Druid was talking about reared his ugly head. And that, unfortunately, is the crux of my problem....in terms of making friends and influencing enemies as they say....this I can see....so I think that I have to find, once again, a person who might, in my wildest dreams, help me....since the above person can't or won't, being seeped in concepts and only open to things that are in the defined area of discussion, as defined by someone...other than herself.

But, Thank You anyway. The fact that you can 'NAME THAT TUNE', so to speak, is a compliment to your counselling expertise.

But, I think you have to explore that observation and judgement of me, in yourself first...before I can even begin to feel accepted in your presence. About that TRUST reference that was the first topic of the conversation.

That was what I was trying to say yesterday but only succeeded in arousing more anger in her.

But...now that we have the 'devil' named...(as the Groovy Druid calls it...www.wrongplanet.net)... (Articles section, "The Secrets of Projecting Successful Body Language).. (god, couldn't those kids have chosen a better name for their angst or their site)...we can possible do something about learning the appropriate BODY LANGUAGE.....so that I don't continue to get these assinine reactions.

Meanwhile...I have to go to work at this rediculous hour worrying, as I have been, about acceptance at the job...even though I have done a good job in terms of the job....but not of course in terms of the NT's NEED for "congruence" in interactions...on their invisible, unconscious own terms.

Panning

11:30am

Just back from the job....for a lunch break...it smelled glorious outside. I LOVE this time of year. I came back home to get something nice to eat, to get out in the real world and because I wanted to blog. Someone at work brought up their idea of 'panning' and it got me thinking of the following.

When one uses the word panning, I, myself, at least, before this job, would have immediately thought of 'to pan' as in moving the camera quickly in a horizontal position so at to get a panoramic look at your surroundings. This is because of my art background. I would not have thought of its use as an active verb for putting bread in the pans. (Mother would probably be appauled at that use....as it is probably anything but the Queen's English....as least I don't think it is).

Aahhh.... I see I am actually thinking of MORE that one thing since I have brought up my mom's name too.

The person at work asked me if "I was the one who 'LIKED' panning". It has been obvious to me that most people there don't, especially the young ones who definately try to only do the things they like. I actually am getting a little tired of the panning. I could not say that 'I like the panning'.

In fact, I realize that what they INTERPRET as 'liking' is actually my being in touch with my BREATH...and thinking about what Knowledge has taught me...AND have the peace and quiet to actually concentrate on it. Also at my breaks I try to take as much time as is available to 'practice' Knowledge...to myself. So it is a little funny to see how things are being interpreted.

I could have gone into what a work ethic I have...blah blah blah....and some of that is true....I do as good a job as I can even in the dark and cold hold one has to work in in order to DO the panning...AND because the shapes are much like clay shapes....I can get a small satisfaction from doing something somewhat familiar.

Got Him!

12:45pm
I am just home from work. I just read the paper. I just read about Foley and the boys. I just read how the Bush admin.has been covering up. All we can think about is how finally the hypocracy of that government is exposed.

All I can say is: KKKKKKKKaaaaaachhhhing! Finally!

All I can say also is: whoever is "messing" with this blog....and that is a nice way to put it, had better smarten up.

Dinner with Jason

9:00pm

A little longer than the usual which is usually short and sweet....so to speak. A very nice dinner. A very nice door. A very nice hockey game. A very nice dish washing. A very nice doggy bag. Thank you Jason for the very nice birthday present. Hope to see you again soon.

I would like to post some photos again. I really enjoy that. I keep forgetting to take my camera places though. (and I would only post neutral photos anyway....so not to worry y'all).....(if anyone is worried that is).

Rye Bread and Roasted Red Peppers

11:00am
I am trying to make this into a pottery making day. It is the first of two days off in a row from the Bakery Job.

However.......this morning I have made a nice loaf of rye bread in my breadmaker and I just finished roasting the three red peppers I had reserved for this purpose. They blackened nicely because I was looking at photos from a site someone had sent me and also they were left in the paper bag long enough to be cool to handle. Some blueberries are on the counter thawing out to go with the yogurt I made the other night.

So a nice experience all the way round.

Now to get back to my little table in the middle of my living room.

A Scary Evening on TV

9:00pm

I have another topic I wanted to talk about too...but I must comment on what I see is the fallout from the actions of that "............" to the south of us who is the head of the country so located, and who has created so much pain and suffering for so many people by his ignorant, disgusting greed and arrogance.

First there was Avi and the discussion on the film on Global Warming. That scared the hell out of me. I don't know why people can't see how this is going to effect us all.

And now this programme on all the money that has been stolen from the so-called fund to be set up to 're-build' Iraq. I could go on and on about the evil morality and greed involved in this awful scenario but what really really worries me is how this is totally going to impact all of us here. There can be no other reaction. All those people in Iraq who are living under such inhumane conditions...all CAUSED.....by the lust for oil. All the people whose homes have been destroyed, whose familes have been killed, whose means of living have been eliminated. And they (the U.S. govt.) have the nerve to give us this false story about all the 'hospitals' they have built. All the medical 'help' they are giving. What a joke.

They are creating bomber after bomber. It is so so sad. It is so so awful. It is so so unjust. How can people here believe these lies. I am so so glad that at least SOMEONE is attempting to give another side to the REAL PICTURE of what is happening...although I am sure they have to be so so careful about how anything is worded. I noticed behind one of the leaders of the so-called fund, that Frank Willis guy, he had a ceramic medievil knight on the shelf behind him. Now what was that trying to say I wonder. As if we didn't know.

It is also so obvious that there is very little time to get the word out about PEACE. The only peace that will really make a dent in any of this shit. I, myself, have had a personal experience that it is in fact possible. That one can go from true hatred to totally having that slate wiped clean and becoming transformed into a new perspective. A real perspective that comes from your heart about what is real in this world.

As long as all this shit is left to the political people, it will continue to be a conflict, over and over again. It has been thus for as long as anyone can remember. Religion is not the answer. All of them have the same fanatical grasping for 'rightness'....(notice it is not 'rightousness'....at least not in any way that the latter word has its true meaning and understanding...which is not to say that it couldn't have, given any real understanding.

So I hope my spelling and typos are not too bad on this one. I will check it later.

I have had this premonition for many years....based on fear of course...and perhaps that is the point...of a major disaster happening here on the prairies. One created by man. As usual, perhaps it will be one created by our own home-grown 'terrorists'....those that have office....those that create suffering in THEIR OWN NESTS....by disrespecting the envionment and mankind....and by being unable to say they don't know everything and by not being able to see that WE ARE MORE ALIKE on a human level than we are unalike on their MANUFACTURED POLITICAL PLATFORM fueled by greed and blindness. I have read that it is only man who shits in his own den. Baby doggies don't do that. Or the mother helps of course...but doggies don't do that.

I hope that I am wrong about my fear-based vision. I should know better than to even entertain the scenario.

I guess what I feel the most is EMBARRASSMENT that I have to live on the western hemisphere and so be included by the majority of the people who view us, with those who chooses to see nothing as being wrong....who feel they are only defending their 'rights'. Do they not see that the others are 'defending their rights too'? I do not want to side with any of the ones who do anyone harm, for any reason. I do not want to 'take sides'. All sides who harm to their own kind need to have a reality check. This also includes as well, and especially, the animals...who are also truley defenceless. The poor pigs who were burned the other day. The poor tigers who will not be around. The poor people in a middle east country who will indiscriminantly be blown up today. The poor soldiers who miss their loving families and are so far away from them. They are all very very brave.

I want people to know there is ANOTHER WAY.

Happy Happy Happy

Today is a day that I recognize that I am truely happy inside.....and it is totally NOT because of the outside. It is just after 1pm and I got home from work about 12:20...and .....holy cow....I have just been interrupted by one of the residents here who has come to the door and wants to show me his walkman because I was talking about it to him. And so he has borrowed a cassette to take home and I will be talking to him later today.

But I just wanted to say how wonderful it is out and how wonderful it smells outside....so I am going to go and walk in the park as soon as I make my spaghetti (boy that's a hard word to spell). I got a chance to practice Knowledge for about 20 minutes at my break...and before I left about 10 minutes.

So I just wanted to record how happy I feel...inside...and I hope there are some little smoookies out in the park today. I feel like a furry kiss.

The Chit-Chat Factor and The Dance

Last night was another example of how the NT"s 'talk' between themselves all the time....all the while saying absolutely NOTHING. And at the same time saying everything.

I did not want to go down to the dance because I had been busy right up to the time of the dance and had not had a chance to get 'gussied' up as they say. And for many, like the lady I found outside my door upon opening it, who was looking through the 2nd floor windows to the dance and entertainment floor below, it brought back fond memories.

None of this was true for me. It is not that I would not LOVE to dance the old ballroom dances. I would. In fact, there was a time, probably 25 years ago when I attempted to take ballroom dancing lessons from a club at the university. Rick, was my tenant and friend at that time. He had kindly offered to go with us (that being me, and two or three of his other girl friends). Consequently we never really got much time in dancing and because I did not have a fulltime partner, and because basically it was a old-time sexual activity, and Rick not being so inclined....the fun and motivation for it soon fell off.

But I do remember one of the old teachers (about 70 years old perhaps) asking me to dance and actually twirling me around the floor....in spite of myself and in spite of my clumbsiness...and it was totally exhillarating. The one and only time, probably, that I have danced in any real fashion.....with someone else anyway. For me, it is just another example of a lost opportunity. Another example of a hope crushed and never fulfilled. Another desire to experience 'the world'...another opportunity to have some of that 'FUN' that the NT's talk about.

Most of my life has been anything but that definition of fun.

When I look at my life from that perspective it is a huge disappointment....that lack of being able to achieve a goal as defined by the outside world's ideas of success. It brings back one failure after another. Mostly not through my fault I can see, but none the less..failure.

That is why it was with great gratitude and surprised amazement, even now, after all these years of listening to him talk, that his words were so soothing and exactly what I needed to hear.....this morning at 4am when I could not sleep and finally decided that was the only thing that 'might' help. It was as if he knew what I was going through and answered so many questioned I didn't even know I had.!!!!

Because, really, fulfillment is INSIDE. It is not about all those outside things. Of course, everyone knows that. And of course, everyone forgets. And also, NOT EVERYONE knows where to find that fulfillment...regardless of the outside circumstances. Again I have finally come to realized that. And again I finally had a tiny bit of gratitude. Thank you.

I finally got to sleep about 5am. and slept for about 4 hours. Consequently, tonight, I will have to get to bed early after working this afternoon and having to get up again, early, about the same time I went to sleep...last night.

Anyway....the chit-chat.....I almost forgot...that is what I wanted to mention. After we had talked , the lady and myself, another lady came along...and right away I could see that there was love and caring and CONNECTION between them...not like it had been with me and with them. They didn't say anything in particular. But I could see that they were 'talking with their eyes'...not about what they were saying....at all. And they were getting sustenance from it.

That is why I will never have a friend.

Out of Step

Today, at work, I feel I really did a great job. I feel I organized the bread and got it in the oven, packed, etc...with stuff in the proofer really really well. I could really concentrate this morning. It is a lot like firing the kiln with many things to take into account and reassess as you go. So I was also really really busy for about three and a half hours....and then I got a breather.

But all the time, even though I was enjoying myself and what I was doing, there was this nagging concern in the back of my mind that all was not well. I feel I have not been able to pick up on the appropriate ways of interacting, talking, eye contacting with some of the other staff. Not all was wrong though...because maybe it is ok from another perspective. Some of the conversations and interactions seemed to be for my benefit.

But certain comments make me realize that I am not saying things in the manner that is expected and/or they want some sort of reaction from me that I am not sure what it is. For instance, I think I blundered on the last day I was working, Monday. (And I have been so happy to have the whole three days off in a row this week). But I think my comments on what I saw as being a helpful thing have not been taken well.

I know from the article "The Secrets of Successful Smalltalk" by GroovyDruid on the wrongplanet site that 90percent of what is being said is NOT about the words. That mostly people are "scoping you out" and that there are certain ways of looking at people that say MUCH. The person I worked with today has that down very very well I have noticed. I, unfortunately, can't seem to do it like I used to be able to do it...talk I mean...or do the right body language...in a way that ingratiates people so they like you. That is a big disappointment to me.