Last night was another example of how the NT"s 'talk' between themselves all the time....all the while saying absolutely NOTHING. And at the same time saying everything.
I did not want to go down to the dance because I had been busy right up to the time of the dance and had not had a chance to get 'gussied' up as they say. And for many, like the lady I found outside my door upon opening it, who was looking through the 2nd floor windows to the dance and entertainment floor below, it brought back fond memories.
None of this was true for me. It is not that I would not LOVE to dance the old ballroom dances. I would. In fact, there was a time, probably 25 years ago when I attempted to take ballroom dancing lessons from a club at the university. Rick, was my tenant and friend at that time. He had kindly offered to go with us (that being me, and two or three of his other girl friends). Consequently we never really got much time in dancing and because I did not have a fulltime partner, and because basically it was a old-time sexual activity, and Rick not being so inclined....the fun and motivation for it soon fell off.
But I do remember one of the old teachers (about 70 years old perhaps) asking me to dance and actually twirling me around the floor....in spite of myself and in spite of my clumbsiness...and it was totally exhillarating. The one and only time, probably, that I have danced in any real fashion.....with someone else anyway. For me, it is just another example of a lost opportunity. Another example of a hope crushed and never fulfilled. Another desire to experience 'the world'...another opportunity to have some of that 'FUN' that the NT's talk about.
Most of my life has been anything but that definition of fun.
When I look at my life from that perspective it is a huge disappointment....that lack of being able to achieve a goal as defined by the outside world's ideas of success. It brings back one failure after another. Mostly not through my fault I can see, but none the less..failure.
That is why it was with great gratitude and surprised amazement, even now, after all these years of listening to him talk, that his words were so soothing and exactly what I needed to hear.....this morning at 4am when I could not sleep and finally decided that was the only thing that 'might' help. It was as if he knew what I was going through and answered so many questioned I didn't even know I had.!!!!
Because, really, fulfillment is INSIDE. It is not about all those outside things. Of course, everyone knows that. And of course, everyone forgets. And also, NOT EVERYONE knows where to find that fulfillment...regardless of the outside circumstances. Again I have finally come to realized that. And again I finally had a tiny bit of gratitude. Thank you.
I finally got to sleep about 5am. and slept for about 4 hours. Consequently, tonight, I will have to get to bed early after working this afternoon and having to get up again, early, about the same time I went to sleep...last night.
Anyway....the chit-chat.....I almost forgot...that is what I wanted to mention. After we had talked , the lady and myself, another lady came along...and right away I could see that there was love and caring and CONNECTION between them...not like it had been with me and with them. They didn't say anything in particular. But I could see that they were 'talking with their eyes'...not about what they were saying....at all. And they were getting sustenance from it.
That is why I will never have a friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment