To Jam or Not to Jam

8:45pm
.....that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows......Well I guess I got beat on that one..as they say.

I got an email from the SCES about having 'fall jams' to follow-up from the fiddle camp..and because I was not able to attend the fiddle camp after all this past summer I foolishly thought..oh maybe it would be a nice idea to go. I took my folder of sheet music but of course it is all 'by ear'....so how can I pull out some sheet music...(except I guess I could have)...but the worst part is sitting around in this circle with all these totally unopen faces looking at you...each one probably doing the old NT thing of sizing each other up..while all I can do is look at these blanks. A lady was friendly to me though. I appreciated that. There were also 'players' from the last life.

The sad part is...I knew many of the songs....in fact I learned many of the songs..last year...and I could have played them if I could master this 'playing by ear' thing...or maybe it will have to be the usual autistic way...by rote.

Learning it will never help me to fit in though. I can't do the eye things that I am sure they are all doing with themselves. There was a little boy there who is very good...his father was there I gathered..so he will do well by it.

So what do I do with this fiddle stuff. It is mostly only because of my brother that I am doing it. If I had a choice of music I would play something that had some meaning to me...meaning music with lyrics...since words are so important to me. I was thinking that....so much of this fiddle stuff sounds just the same to me...the tempo has just been changed...it has no feeling whatsoever...but I suppose those who play would not say that. Let's just say it does not move me like say a song like 'Memories of Us"....or the songs of Cara Tower.

Lessons start tomorrow. I should have just stayed with that. What the hell was I thinking.