Melt Down

This afternoon at work can only be described as a MELT DOWN. Whether it is because of any Autism issues, or whether it was because of the neglect from my family, or whether it was because all the others were 'meeting you after work' with no invitations to go anywhere to me (even though I have been there four months). The last event was some of the cause of the melt down but most of the melt down was because of absolute exhaustion having been up every hour on the hour last night. Also the stress was so much today I was pissing myself all day, literaly, even though I went to the bathroom as much as I thought I had to go. So this added to my stress. And I couldn't see because the writing is too small for me on a lot of the boxes and because my glasses were clouding over in the freezer. (That was exceptionally frustrating. Blind and pissing myself.)

The main cause, though, was my thinking about what my brother has done. How he has not in the tiniest given way in the area of transparency and openess in regard to my mother's estate..or anything else. Another example of his manipulative shit: He left a message...(the only one in 50 years)..about "are you going to join us". So it was not left for me in an sincere and real way. So..so many assumptions...no address, no time, nothing .....BUT PAR FOR THE COURSE. I know if I did go it would be like other Christmases when I have made the effort...(unlike him who makes zero effort)....and I would have been left to fend for myself...CAN YOU BELIEVE SUCH RUDENESS AND SHIT.....in his house...by myself...all day....UNTIL...he takes it upon himself to show up after he has had all the visiting, etc...AND AFTER ANYONE (that being myself) is at all INTERESTED AND ARE FEELING TOTALY SHITTY FROM THE NEGLECT.

He has not made the least attempt to come here to see where I am now living. HOW FUCKING DENEGRADING AND TRIPPING. How DISREGARDING IS THAT. And he likes to think of himself as the GREAT COUNSELLOR...you can bet on it. Total ego.

So mostly that is why today I had the melt down....just bawled my eyes out in the freezer...because I had to do the night panning as well as the day panning because at least two people didn't show up...so extra physical stress on top of already physical stress from no sleep....and this is after we are totally short staffed to begin with...and it was too much for me...on no sleep..with no one to go home to...no hugs from anyone....no positive shit for me...nothing.....just the usual, where I have to gather it all from my own self.

And sometimes I'm just a little bit tired of doing that.

So I have had two days of crying at work. I can't take this bull shit any more. This is just slave work. For what. What do they give back to me. Nothing. Even that person from produce who had the audacity to ASSUME I needed to go to his recovery shit.....which in itself is nothing but an insult..since he did that without even any attempt of getting to know me (therefore i would have to assume that 'someone else' sicced him on me, so to speak....he was saying I was way too fat...(which I am but for many reasons...more than he would even be able to consider). NO ...that was all he did....he did not ask me to go with them at lunch like he does others in the bakery. It just means they are of the same ilk, (the ones that went together).

And ignorant on top of it. Since I have discovered that they will not accept any 'ideas' except their own.