I am amazed at how callous people are about my feelings towards Henry and my sense of loss. It indicates their total lack of knowledge or understanding about all the issues. I feel people have decided unilaterally to attempt to manipulate my feelings about my dog and loyalties. I have come across this many times now...not only being blocked from forming honest friendships but being blow off as I was a number of times, with Pixie for instance, or other dog's owners. (since someone, somewhere..and I am afraid to think who...has decided that I should not be in contact with dogs any more....or even love them)...They think I should be 'of service' as they define 'service', in their own pea brains, for their own benefits.
It would seem they are totally not interested in MY feelings. But then they don't have hearts, do they. Only egos about 'how good they are to be doing this'. "This" being their warped sense of 'charity'...like it was for a short while a few months ago....letting me have contact with the doggies. They were only interested in 'doing a good turn'...so to speak. Not about how awful I feel.
As far as I am concerned, in anything, unless there is heart-felt honesty, feeling, realness...it will 'never reach the mark'. And that brings me to the crux and point of this...which most people do not get....like the song says: "Chanting, fasting, charity, austerity will never bring you knowledge of the soul. Without the grace of....."
People don't get that. And I also see I am going to confuse people because I am talking about two things here...Knowledge and my own experiences with AS. Because of the Asperger's certain ways of relating will NEVER change. And dogs have been found to be really helpful because of their loyalty and loving natures to their masters. Because of the bond that forms. As Marissa said: I NEED a dog. This is a documented fact and is 'written about' in the literature to do with AS.
As far as I am concerned I will never be happy in any sense in the same way that I trusted Henry. In the same way that he was trying to be so good for me. And who else is there. Certainly no family. Certainly no friends. Certainly no one in THIS place.
Addendum (Ten days later):
Today on my way home from work I caught sight of a little white dog waddling home with its person. It had on a lovely red coat. I beleive I have met that dog before. I wish I had been a little quicker and I would have patted it. It warmed my heart so much just to see its little back-side way in the distance.
It is probably good to post things the same day or very soon after one has composed the post since time and life changes constantly and nothing remains the same from day to day. What I am really saying in the above comments is how much I miss have a wonderful little soft cuddly doggie to love...and who loves me....after all my efforts in training him...and all his efforts in learning to trust me....(this latter for what purpose since I turned out to be untrustworthy to him)....(I feel so bad about that)...this is the same kind of feeling I had about my dad...how this should never have happened...just like all the things that happened to dad should never have happened....his isolation, no one pulling up their end of the slack...(or even just their fucking socks for a change)... (just like me now)....similarly Henry's 'disappearance' as just a crucial time....all related to certain 'relatives' perspectives and how they interact with my perpecitive. It is awful to have to rely on anyone...and ahh...that is the whole point isn't it. I have just started the Keys Three. It is going to be soooo good. It is also going to be such a lesson in trust. I hope I can do it.
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