I remember at work at the beginning how everyone was sooooo friendly to me. They went out of their way to WELCOME ME. For that I am very GRATEFUL although I have never had the chance to say that to anyone. I appreciated their attempts. Somewhere along the line though, things have gotten confused.
I beleive I have given the impression (to some perhaps), that I do not need any friendly gestures. Perhaps even in encouraging people to come here to read my blog...I see today that there is opportunity for mis-interpretation....in their understanding of some of the things that I have written. True, on those days, when I am experiencing that lovely feeling inside, it is possible to be totally happy by oneself. But that is not a rule. It would be great to be 'there' all the time...but I am a human being...I don't seem to have that skill or ability to turn it on or off at will. The experience is more like a god-given grace if anything.
So it is very very disappointing to me to observe how the atmosphere and responses to me are changing. Even criticism of my job performance (although I know mistakes can be made at any time and for me, it is not because of any attitude of negligence). I believe the change is directly because of the 'incongruence' mentioned in other areas of this blog.
I am disappointed in... myself.
I believe it is because of my brain function and brain deficit in my ablitiy to pick up on facial expression and mirror them back. Because I do notice that most people mirror others in their interactions and study other's expressions for impact and how they are being received. Because it is THIS group though, it is hard for part of me not to feel it is being done on purpose. I say this because a couple of weeks ago I feel they were still open to me and were at that point, playing a game. The game being that they were 'copying' me. I say this because of the way one person laughed when I tried to make a friendly gesture, as she went by ignoring me...copying just like I probably look like I appear to be ignoring them. And the 'friendly gesture' on my part was so inappropriate and out of order (given their action)...that they saw it as funny...which I guess it was.
The problem is that as time progresses and as acceptance changes and life goes on so to speak...we get to the point mentioned in the film "The Boy Inside" which was aired on CBC last week and over the weekend. The boy says 'he can make friends, he just can't keep them'. The boy has Asperger's. And that is where the problem arises...after you have gotten to know someone and they sort of like you and you like them...and then they want you to behave in a certain way...and that is where it is very difficult to 'mirror' their requirements.
Perhaps because the Asperger people just can't see it, and I think, perhaps because, for me for example, if I feel I have been done wrongly which I have felt I have by certain people there...I find it hard to shrug it off. I want to know that they acknowledge what they have done before I can move on. The person who did take advantage of me one day, did attemt to explain her 'ways' to me and I accepted her explanation...but I guess also at the time was a realization that she didn't really 'get it'. But still, mostly I appreciated the gesture.
All of this is analysis , after the fact, and totally uselss. I know that. For this I am a dork. But I am a dork anyway so what is there to lose.
The difference in people's reactions is quite important to me. It reminds me of when I worked for a private person about 30 years ago. She made me 'greet' people at the door. This was waaaaay before the corporate biggies had figured out this was a 'good thing' for their business. She did it for more personal reasons although she was a good business person also. The thing about it though, was that it changed my life. Suddenly people were very friendly to me. Suddenly people appeared to like me. Suddenly I felt part of something. Suddenly an emply hole was filled inside.
It didn't last forever....that feeling...but I will remember those incidents forever.
On another level, that brings to mind something else too. That perhaps that incident was a little gift... to me...from somewhere.
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