11:00am
I guess I should have tried to write something last night...as today is a new day and it is not the same day as yesterday...yesterday was a day filled with joy and many things to do. It was absoulutely gorgeous out, the sun shining, the morning cool and peaceful but turning into very very hot in the afternoon.
I know that it is not what happens in a day that makes it good...although yesterday was filled with much 'socializing activities'...and maybe that is what made me anxious in the end. I was very happy for most of the day though. Like I said I wish I had commented yesterday, about yesterday, because today is very gloomy out and the wind is howling through something to the hallway. No sun.
I also wanted to call my title for yesterday: Knowledge or the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...since Prem Rawat mentioned that in the last Keys episode I listened to...and perhaps this is part of the problem today. I have not been listening the last couple of days...maybe tempting fate. I know there is no pressure to do anything except pay attention and not go too fast, in relation to the Keys process so maybe I do not have to beat myself up.
So many thoughts I would like to comment on. I feel like it would have been a perfect day except for a person who I met...who I suppose I should not mention because this is more public now....but I felt very hurt and disappointed...because I know she has a huge heart..I was disappointed that she decided to reject me after being so open to our getting to know each other. My intension was a pure as I could make it at the time. I am so sorry I made a rude comment about a physical concern that she is proabably self-conscious about. It was rude and I could have ignored it. I should have definately ignored it. I notice also there seems to be 'prompters' on the periferies yesterday when I decided to visit as she had not been home...or maybe that is my imagination. And I am really trying to be cognizant of following my heart as much as possible. It was about 7:30 last evening..and I was very tired from my busy day. I had decided to try to get my walk in. Maybe because I was so tired I started to think about how much I wish Henry was there. I started crying again as I walked. And then I remembered that I could try to see Annie. And then I remembered that I could try to see Zoe. So that was why I felt to disappointed with myself that I was missing an opportunity to have something that would be a totally win-win situation. Since the person would have someone to rely on for the doggie, since they have long hours away. It is not fair to the dog to be away so long. I know they NEED their dog. I am not trying to take away from that. How do these people think that happens. Dogs are very loving. They know who their masters are. It is not as if I would take away from that. I would only be sharing some of the dog's love. I don't know why people don't get that. It is the same with Henry and whoeve has Henry. Why can't they just let me see him once in a while.
It demonstrated to me that people are so into 'ownership', completition and have no idea what co-operation or sharing is. And none of this is of any good to the dog...who can't be cooped up for so long all the time...even though they are so darling and patient. One of the other people living there was also a surprise to me..since I have come across them before...although I needed some prompting to remember and only really remembered today. That person is always afraid for her baby and I understand that perfectly but really...what do they think I will do for pete's sake.
It is not my imagination though that I was manipulated to leave the meals unattended in the hallway while I became curious about a 'fake breathing cat in a cat bed' in one of the lady's suites...and someone took something from one of the foam cases. At least when we got to another lady's sutie, one desert was missing, and I remember that 'story' being told to me a number of years ago..that if this happens don't do this and that...and shit...here were go again. What is it with these people.
But all in all there was a level of acceptance of me that was not there before. But then you see....I feel I fucked up somehow..because today is dead..nothing happening. And of course this is the day that Jason has decided to come and visit. Or at least because I phoned to break he impasse he said he could come today. So I am glad he is coming to visit for lunch. I made the bean salad with red peppers and the red onion..oh forgot that part. I also made the Mediterranian Lentil Salad. And we can have ham. And I am making some Leek and Pototo Soup.
I had given away most of my stew on Monday...but I have two portions left which I want to give away also because I noticed that people put you into categories and so if you are friendy to one group..the other ones feel missing in something. I can see how this 'social' thing is very hard to do..especially when there are so many people. It is a case of not being able to please all of the people all of the time. I guess that is what Jim used to get into.
I met up with two other people and their dogs..it was very nice...I think that I have met them before. AND THIS IS WHAT IS DISTURBING: if that is the case (and it is) am I losing my memory or something. Because I definately get a sense of deja vue with all of these incidents. But something is 'staged'...or something is a little fishy. I am concerned. Because I really do feel a little different. But on the other hand...I have just gone through an enormous change so what can anyone expect.
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