Sleepless on the Prairies

4:45am
It is almost dawn. I have been awake for about two hours. There has been some noise and movement downstairs and in the hall a few minutes ago. I am wondering if it is something that I should be concerned with. There were break-ins here over the last few weeks.

I am supposed to deliver Meals on Wheels this morning. Since I have been up most of the night with only about 2 hours sleep or less, I will probably not be of much use to myself. I have been weighing what I need to do to make some income. Always it comes to the same thing...and I never know if it is because of a character flaw..or whether attempting to concentrate on pots which might not sell is really what I should be doing. I have a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. I have been thinking of attempting to find a studio to work in perhaps in Saskatoon where I can see my mother more.

That was also an idea previously. I have trouble keeping all the 'ideas' in my head.

It is almost dawn. I am not sure I will be able to go to sleep. I think I will try to 'meditate' first. Also I have not been listeneing to the Keys DVD which tends to be soothing and would be better watched every day for best understanding. I will start to monitor which nights are better..when I listen in the evening or when I watch tv. As if I don't already know the answer!


6:00am
Have tried to go to sleep..no luck. I was looking at the clouds a while ago as the sun was coming up. The skies are always beautiful and I love to see them at dawn. A bird flying by. I can appreciate all that in the midst of feeling so bereft. I believe if I had my baby dog I would not be going through this. At the very least he would have me out taking him for a walk. I would feel his sweet face and fur. He would come to lick my face when he realized I was in fact getting up, having been totally patient if that did not appear to be the case. I would have a warm snuggly creature to love.

I know if I had Downs Syndrome...there would be no discussion of whether a 'therapy dog' was a true necessity. No one would question the validity of my need. Marissa in Medicine Hat seemed to be the only person, of late, that really understood that. She was going to send me a postcard from Ottawa where she went with her uncle..but perhaps there was not enough time as I had mentioned to her, even if her intensions were good. Perhaps I should email her. I just had a crying jag. I realized it was because I have nothing to love that I am not sleeping. That, and worrying about all that I will have to go through before I feel whole again.

It is that thing about the heart vs. the head...and I am having a hard time sorting out which is which. That is why I am in this mess. Logic. Well, there didn't seem to be any option...and then there was (is) the bullying.


9:15am
One would wonder how one would have any time to continually write here. So altogther I think I may have slept two hours...perhaps. Also it is somewhat noisy outside the window, or noises are maganafied...eg. I heard the woman downstairs running water for a long time only to see her out before dawn washing the car.

The only reason I waded in here right now is that I wanted to say that in spite of all the dogs I have patted of late (and there haven't been that many, none feel like Henry. I miss him so much.

Another comment is that just now...when I fist came to the site...another incident of the cursor being 'attached' to a piece of shit. When I shut it down and started again, it was gone. So maybe the name on google was a bogus one..trying to figure where it would have attached itself...think it is in the drop-down, if you don't type in the the whole of the url but just click it in. I don't know why these people are like that. It is not like I am going to give them anything of any value to them....or actually that is not true.

I am going to suggest you look up this site:

INSPIRE NEWSLETTER, News for the Heart http://inspire.org




2:00pm
Meals on Wheels Vs. The Regina Housing Authority
Today was Meals on Wheels day. I am asked to deliver them once in a while. I believe that they have figured out that many of my neighbours in the same building receive Meals on Wheels although I did deliver this route from my house also. Anyway, it has taken three hours..(can you believe!!)...and it only involved two buildings and in a four block radius of the hospital.

What I learned this morning is that one, you can die any time (we already know that but don't think about it too much)..as soon as I entered the hospital there was a Code Blue on one of the wings. And this building is very confusing when I come at it from the Meals on Wheels hat...even though I live here. It looks totally different when I have to deliver the meals. And two, it is ok to ask people even when it seems very silly. For example: they stuck a mean on my route to a person on the 11 th floor of one of these rediculous 'high rises for seniors'...so after talking to the person in the hospital about how I don't like going up that high, I took the meal and thought oh something will turn out and if not I will just grit my teeth and try to make it up there. There were some residents in the lobby and one of them had to let me in since the person I was delivering to did not open the door...and then I told her about my dilemma and asked if she might at all be able to take it to that floor. She was delighted as it turned out. The lady was waiting at her table. She put the things out for her and even returned the foam outside which I had forgotten to mention to her. It was smiles all around. Then I went to the other building but found I had forgotten one at the first bulding so on my second trip a group of people were pushing someone in a wheelchair and laughing and I blurted out that would anyone mind coming up with me...and it turned out that the lady who was having a wonderful time helping me used to run the elevator at one of the hospitals. And they had kept her on after they automated the elevators so people would feel more comfortable. So she was the perfect person for me to find. Everyone had a huge laugh and had the chance to tell the story about how that had been her job anyway. And I felt relieved also.

All of this, I think, would go under the category of GRACE. Don't you think?

Oh and where the Regina Housing Authority comes in is that I happened to run into the person who has been 'avoiding' me for the last two weeks...the 'caretaker' at one of the other buildings..showing a new employee around. It turns out he has no idea how to deal with the windows...makes all sorts of excuses about why he can't do anything...that he would be liable if he used a ladder...HHHUUUUUHHHH?????..etc etc. AND...he came in my suite when I was not here....something I had expressly said not to do...so it looks like if I can at all find someone 'private' to do it I might actually get it done. And then they will say that they can't do it because the Housing Authority has to do everything. I am beginning to see why many of the people here liked the caretaker who just left. This other guy is a total..well I won't say.
And the reason I wanted to mention all this here is that I, MYSELF, WAS NOT HERE...whcih was my error...and this is where that stupid AS comes in...as I was doing another errand that did not have to be done right then...but I could not change gears when I saw the caretaker in the elevator and that is why he got into the apartment without my being here...when all I had to do was accompany him in the elevator. And then I had already pissed the person on the phone at the place I was going and she turned out to be the one who had to ok the payment...and she knew I was going to need that ok and I could see her looking at me with that face that says she is pissed off (at what I don't know)..But it is because of the AS for sure, I pissed her off by not leaving my name and getting them to call back I suppose, go figure. But if I had not gone and been more PATIENT...maybe I would have made arrangements for the air conditioner to be put in...he idiot caretaker even said he couldn't do that because he would be liable...bull...he is lazy and doesn't want to lift it. I, myself, can almost lift it but not quite. He is a man. It is not that much of a deal. I have done it for many years at the house. It is a nuisance true...but not that big a deal. Maybe I will ask Jason. Maybe he has a friend with a ladder.


5:30pm
The problem with doing a log for the whole day is that it gets pretty long and covers more than one topic. So maybe I will have to rethink this process.

The problem also with not having any sleep for many nights now...or at the very least many disrupted hours..a couple here and there...is that it takes its toll on your body and your ability to function. How it manifests in my body is that I am very slow even though I attempt many things in spite of that. I have been 'working' all day basically...although for absolutely no pay...I do not know how long I can continue in this manner,in fact that is what I have been contemplating for most of the afternoon.

I have spent at least one hour, maybe more, going over the payments and accounts and bank statements..trying to make sure everything is good and I have not been taken advantage of in this time of stress. I am always surprised how well I can sometimes function in my brain even in this situation. Of course, I probably don't see the mistakes (possible anyway)...and of course, I have a very short fuse when I am so over-stressed.

And nobody...nobody...not one person from my 'family' pays the least little bit of interest. I am beginning to get very pissed off about that. I deserve better treatment than that. I believe we are in need of a very important discussion. Hah.
Scary though too. I believe I am going to take myself out for a Iced Cap..large..I have only had the one from about two weeks ago in about 3 years. I hope it is good.