The Human Stain

It has been three days since I happened to catch this movie on the tv. I still wake up thinking about it. Last night, of course, was not a good night...since I was up for much of the time. In fact, if I look carefully I see that I have not really slept well since moving here.

It is not that my life has been as dramatically violated to the same degree, in any way, as the character in the movie....but definately, so many elements, do seem familiar. I have been thinking about how even as recently as last week 'players' (from which side I am not totally sure) are still being inadvertently 'exposed'. Even the Buffalo Days parade was a confirmation to a question. And of what you might ask. And because of the nature of the answer to that question and the nature of the consequences to that..I cannot disclose. To me, it all seems like little boys playing games. I do not take it seriously (except to love myself enough to protect myself in the possiblitiy that it is true...which most of me knows it is).

And all this sounds like 'poppycock' and 'gobbledygook' I know. And most people would not even be able to begin to understand what I am talking about. I wish I could get paid the amount of money they are paid to play the little games and think of it as doing the job. I wish I could have a income of some sort....period.

If I was stronger physically and younger, perhaps I would take on three jobs to occupy the time as the character in the movie did. I had done that actually...by spending hours and hours trying to make a go of it with my pottery...after I lost everything...the first time. I felt I had no choice but to put as much effort into it as possible since everything was gone. But the reason for doing it was also gone...the love and caring of a family which made it all mean something.Otherwise it was just trying to make a living for yourself.

And in more recent years, the last few say,with all the 'players'. (Boy, I hate to use that term and probably shouldn't because it probably has connotations that I can only dream about and of which I know nothing but might appear to know). But it is an apt description. Boys playing games. And to get to the point that I guess I am trying to get to without going into such huge description of the details, I do not feel I could have 'gotten through' or moved on without the help of having received Knowledge from Prem Rawat. I still hang on to things and people way longer than is sensible...in fact I seem to not be able to make the change until everything is way past the good part and I am on the verge of destruction. This last move is a good example.

I see is all, now, as totally exemplifying what happens to me with this Hidden Disability. Sometimes I feel I should file a class action suit against all the people who have taken advantage of me...many of whom have huge resources and moneypiles..and that is the issue...since I, myself, have no resources. Only the truth. It would be very difficult. Not many 'experts' in this neck of the woods to testify...not that I could get 'expert help' in such a situation. I would at least feel that justice was being done. I could demonstrate that what has happened to me is not just a 'personal issue' between small potatoes. That I really am at such a disadvantage when having to deal with the world. And if you make one mistake, in who you align yourself with, as I did, then you lose everything...as I did...again.

So your life is filled with constant sorrow that you have to overcome with deep meditation and vigilant focus on things not pertaining to the world. You have to become aware of what is true and not true...what is of value and not of value...what a gift our life is. The chapters seem to pass so quickly.