4:30pm
I feel I have made an error of judgment today. I feel it is another example of how it is so difficult for me to 'flow' with the give and take and precedures of 'conversation'. I am very disappointed in myself. Another example of perseveration perhaps. And I could not 'step out of the way'...enough..so I have angered and irritated everyone.
I did not 'connect' appropriately with anyone. And at the parade I see my 'reputation' has proceeded me, so to speak, and many people with small dogs do not want me to pat them..and maybe they (the dogs) are being protective too...as they say they are. Doggies are so like that.
See, thinking about dogs, makes me feel better...at least now. Henry brought out the love and best side of me...and gave me an opportunity to express that part of me. Now I just have the bad side to express. At least I could trust HIM. It is not going to be easy..older age. I can see that. I am having an early taste of what it is like. And in a place where "social" is everything I am at a great disadvantage.
AND in these situations where there is more than one person interacting with you. I have always had such trouble with that...following the thread of conversation, knowing when to step in with a comment or not to step in, knowing when someone is actually being funny and making a joke...and NOT making fun of me in particular.
It would have been all right perhaps if I had taken along the things I wanted to accomplish today which was to bring the list of things to do from last week (which included things that other people wanted to do too)...(although those other people were there also and I supposed could have spoken for themselves about such matters)...(since they spoke about many other matters...)..(and it would have focused the afternoon rather than let it go into 'terrier mode'.
So I am disappointed that I cannot seem to cope. And ...and this is KEY...people, such as the ones in charge, think that I am doing well. In coping I mean. And sure I am. And certainly on the surface it would appear to be the case. But they do not see that I am on a slow decline into Social Assistance...since I do not seem able to stop the decline. I don't seem to be able to interact in the appropriate manner to hold a job...If I speak from my heart, as I did with the District Manager, for instance and wanted only to show her a website she could EXPLORE, so she would know it existed. Purely for that reason only. She thought I was 'targeting' her. She took it personally...but the point is she does not know that this exists. She rejects it outright. That is her choice of course. Fear is such a silly thing in this area. Like how can you be afraid of finding out more about your own self.
So anyway--I have gotten off the topic. I have gotten into the area the Monique is right about. The looking in your own back yard for the answer. I don't see though how you distinguish between heart and head though unless you know where your heart is...and no matter how nice a personality you have..that can only be 'shown' to you. You can't innately find it yourself.
And all this political talk...even when it is so true..and even when someone says they are a-political..which often that is how I would describe myself...how can you counter that in any way really..on any kind of scale..when you are dealing with such endless machinery of the mind.
5:30pm
Hope this 'edit' works. I did manage to get the other entries to post from the workshop this afternoon. i just wanted to comment on Monique's pages that we got a glimpse of this afternoon that she has posted very nice essays about people. That is a very wonderful idea. I don't know if the AS will get in the way though. I would like to do some of that...or something along that line..but she looks like she is very good at that. I will try to find the photo page to look at it again.
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