August 26, 2006
It has been 10 days since I last made a post. There is always something to be gained by standing back a little...I suppose. I see some of the most recent posts seem to be a bit rambling and not as clearly written as once could hope.
I am making very slow progress in terms of what needs to be done to keep things 'on the straight and narrow'. Days go by without much accomplished. I am having trouble concentrating on what needs to be done.
I have been thinking the last few days about my aspirations of becoming an 'advocate' for autism. I feel now that is a joke. One can have 'visions of grandeur' in all sorts of categories it would appear. And in relation to autism it is a little oxymoronic, since so many autistic people has so much trouble 'standing up for themselves in the first place. But that is what has to happen and it is not impossible.
I am enclosing a couple of websites I came across yesterday. I haven't read the whole site but a couple of the articles are really to the point and interesting. They are: www.autistics.org and www.jimsinclair.org
There is even a blog called: www.aspies.blogspot.com
I hope you like them. I have had no comments on my own blog so I am not even certain that anyone has come here to read anything. But if you do, I hope you like these references.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
A Chinese Proverb
8:30pm
There is an old chinese proverb I came across a long long time ago. Even with all the changes that I have been through, other people it would seem are still locked in their unforgiving and cruel mind-set.
The proverb goes: Sharper than a viper's tooth is an ungrateful child.
You could substitute any any number of adjectives--cruel, unforgiving, hard of heart, lacking in compassion, holier than thou, etc.
I have no way to counter any of it..even if I were perfect, which of course I am not. And even when I come to know I have a 'reason' for what might appear inappropriate behaviors..still no understanding.
How crushing is that. I was going to call the entry 'Sucker--fooled again'...since he had no intension of following through with what he ok's in the phone call. I felt the dagger go right though me even at that time..but the ever-optimistic, or maybe it is ever-forgiving autism characteristics kicked in and I thought..oh yeah, maybe this time. Since I have come to a different place I thought perhaps he might have but no..same old, same old, for him...no growth in other words. What can I say..or do.
There is an old chinese proverb I came across a long long time ago. Even with all the changes that I have been through, other people it would seem are still locked in their unforgiving and cruel mind-set.
The proverb goes: Sharper than a viper's tooth is an ungrateful child.
You could substitute any any number of adjectives--cruel, unforgiving, hard of heart, lacking in compassion, holier than thou, etc.
I have no way to counter any of it..even if I were perfect, which of course I am not. And even when I come to know I have a 'reason' for what might appear inappropriate behaviors..still no understanding.
How crushing is that. I was going to call the entry 'Sucker--fooled again'...since he had no intension of following through with what he ok's in the phone call. I felt the dagger go right though me even at that time..but the ever-optimistic, or maybe it is ever-forgiving autism characteristics kicked in and I thought..oh yeah, maybe this time. Since I have come to a different place I thought perhaps he might have but no..same old, same old, for him...no growth in other words. What can I say..or do.
Yesterday a Happy Day, Today Gloomy-- Go Figure
11:00am
I guess I should have tried to write something last night...as today is a new day and it is not the same day as yesterday...yesterday was a day filled with joy and many things to do. It was absoulutely gorgeous out, the sun shining, the morning cool and peaceful but turning into very very hot in the afternoon.
I know that it is not what happens in a day that makes it good...although yesterday was filled with much 'socializing activities'...and maybe that is what made me anxious in the end. I was very happy for most of the day though. Like I said I wish I had commented yesterday, about yesterday, because today is very gloomy out and the wind is howling through something to the hallway. No sun.
I also wanted to call my title for yesterday: Knowledge or the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...since Prem Rawat mentioned that in the last Keys episode I listened to...and perhaps this is part of the problem today. I have not been listening the last couple of days...maybe tempting fate. I know there is no pressure to do anything except pay attention and not go too fast, in relation to the Keys process so maybe I do not have to beat myself up.
So many thoughts I would like to comment on. I feel like it would have been a perfect day except for a person who I met...who I suppose I should not mention because this is more public now....but I felt very hurt and disappointed...because I know she has a huge heart..I was disappointed that she decided to reject me after being so open to our getting to know each other. My intension was a pure as I could make it at the time. I am so sorry I made a rude comment about a physical concern that she is proabably self-conscious about. It was rude and I could have ignored it. I should have definately ignored it. I notice also there seems to be 'prompters' on the periferies yesterday when I decided to visit as she had not been home...or maybe that is my imagination. And I am really trying to be cognizant of following my heart as much as possible. It was about 7:30 last evening..and I was very tired from my busy day. I had decided to try to get my walk in. Maybe because I was so tired I started to think about how much I wish Henry was there. I started crying again as I walked. And then I remembered that I could try to see Annie. And then I remembered that I could try to see Zoe. So that was why I felt to disappointed with myself that I was missing an opportunity to have something that would be a totally win-win situation. Since the person would have someone to rely on for the doggie, since they have long hours away. It is not fair to the dog to be away so long. I know they NEED their dog. I am not trying to take away from that. How do these people think that happens. Dogs are very loving. They know who their masters are. It is not as if I would take away from that. I would only be sharing some of the dog's love. I don't know why people don't get that. It is the same with Henry and whoeve has Henry. Why can't they just let me see him once in a while.
It demonstrated to me that people are so into 'ownership', completition and have no idea what co-operation or sharing is. And none of this is of any good to the dog...who can't be cooped up for so long all the time...even though they are so darling and patient. One of the other people living there was also a surprise to me..since I have come across them before...although I needed some prompting to remember and only really remembered today. That person is always afraid for her baby and I understand that perfectly but really...what do they think I will do for pete's sake.
It is not my imagination though that I was manipulated to leave the meals unattended in the hallway while I became curious about a 'fake breathing cat in a cat bed' in one of the lady's suites...and someone took something from one of the foam cases. At least when we got to another lady's sutie, one desert was missing, and I remember that 'story' being told to me a number of years ago..that if this happens don't do this and that...and shit...here were go again. What is it with these people.
But all in all there was a level of acceptance of me that was not there before. But then you see....I feel I fucked up somehow..because today is dead..nothing happening. And of course this is the day that Jason has decided to come and visit. Or at least because I phoned to break he impasse he said he could come today. So I am glad he is coming to visit for lunch. I made the bean salad with red peppers and the red onion..oh forgot that part. I also made the Mediterranian Lentil Salad. And we can have ham. And I am making some Leek and Pototo Soup.
I had given away most of my stew on Monday...but I have two portions left which I want to give away also because I noticed that people put you into categories and so if you are friendy to one group..the other ones feel missing in something. I can see how this 'social' thing is very hard to do..especially when there are so many people. It is a case of not being able to please all of the people all of the time. I guess that is what Jim used to get into.
I met up with two other people and their dogs..it was very nice...I think that I have met them before. AND THIS IS WHAT IS DISTURBING: if that is the case (and it is) am I losing my memory or something. Because I definately get a sense of deja vue with all of these incidents. But something is 'staged'...or something is a little fishy. I am concerned. Because I really do feel a little different. But on the other hand...I have just gone through an enormous change so what can anyone expect.
I guess I should have tried to write something last night...as today is a new day and it is not the same day as yesterday...yesterday was a day filled with joy and many things to do. It was absoulutely gorgeous out, the sun shining, the morning cool and peaceful but turning into very very hot in the afternoon.
I know that it is not what happens in a day that makes it good...although yesterday was filled with much 'socializing activities'...and maybe that is what made me anxious in the end. I was very happy for most of the day though. Like I said I wish I had commented yesterday, about yesterday, because today is very gloomy out and the wind is howling through something to the hallway. No sun.
I also wanted to call my title for yesterday: Knowledge or the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...since Prem Rawat mentioned that in the last Keys episode I listened to...and perhaps this is part of the problem today. I have not been listening the last couple of days...maybe tempting fate. I know there is no pressure to do anything except pay attention and not go too fast, in relation to the Keys process so maybe I do not have to beat myself up.
So many thoughts I would like to comment on. I feel like it would have been a perfect day except for a person who I met...who I suppose I should not mention because this is more public now....but I felt very hurt and disappointed...because I know she has a huge heart..I was disappointed that she decided to reject me after being so open to our getting to know each other. My intension was a pure as I could make it at the time. I am so sorry I made a rude comment about a physical concern that she is proabably self-conscious about. It was rude and I could have ignored it. I should have definately ignored it. I notice also there seems to be 'prompters' on the periferies yesterday when I decided to visit as she had not been home...or maybe that is my imagination. And I am really trying to be cognizant of following my heart as much as possible. It was about 7:30 last evening..and I was very tired from my busy day. I had decided to try to get my walk in. Maybe because I was so tired I started to think about how much I wish Henry was there. I started crying again as I walked. And then I remembered that I could try to see Annie. And then I remembered that I could try to see Zoe. So that was why I felt to disappointed with myself that I was missing an opportunity to have something that would be a totally win-win situation. Since the person would have someone to rely on for the doggie, since they have long hours away. It is not fair to the dog to be away so long. I know they NEED their dog. I am not trying to take away from that. How do these people think that happens. Dogs are very loving. They know who their masters are. It is not as if I would take away from that. I would only be sharing some of the dog's love. I don't know why people don't get that. It is the same with Henry and whoeve has Henry. Why can't they just let me see him once in a while.
It demonstrated to me that people are so into 'ownership', completition and have no idea what co-operation or sharing is. And none of this is of any good to the dog...who can't be cooped up for so long all the time...even though they are so darling and patient. One of the other people living there was also a surprise to me..since I have come across them before...although I needed some prompting to remember and only really remembered today. That person is always afraid for her baby and I understand that perfectly but really...what do they think I will do for pete's sake.
It is not my imagination though that I was manipulated to leave the meals unattended in the hallway while I became curious about a 'fake breathing cat in a cat bed' in one of the lady's suites...and someone took something from one of the foam cases. At least when we got to another lady's sutie, one desert was missing, and I remember that 'story' being told to me a number of years ago..that if this happens don't do this and that...and shit...here were go again. What is it with these people.
But all in all there was a level of acceptance of me that was not there before. But then you see....I feel I fucked up somehow..because today is dead..nothing happening. And of course this is the day that Jason has decided to come and visit. Or at least because I phoned to break he impasse he said he could come today. So I am glad he is coming to visit for lunch. I made the bean salad with red peppers and the red onion..oh forgot that part. I also made the Mediterranian Lentil Salad. And we can have ham. And I am making some Leek and Pototo Soup.
I had given away most of my stew on Monday...but I have two portions left which I want to give away also because I noticed that people put you into categories and so if you are friendy to one group..the other ones feel missing in something. I can see how this 'social' thing is very hard to do..especially when there are so many people. It is a case of not being able to please all of the people all of the time. I guess that is what Jim used to get into.
I met up with two other people and their dogs..it was very nice...I think that I have met them before. AND THIS IS WHAT IS DISTURBING: if that is the case (and it is) am I losing my memory or something. Because I definately get a sense of deja vue with all of these incidents. But something is 'staged'...or something is a little fishy. I am concerned. Because I really do feel a little different. But on the other hand...I have just gone through an enormous change so what can anyone expect.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Write, Wrong or Right the Wrong--The Good, The Bad and The Rest
4:30pm
I feel I have made an error of judgment today. I feel it is another example of how it is so difficult for me to 'flow' with the give and take and precedures of 'conversation'. I am very disappointed in myself. Another example of perseveration perhaps. And I could not 'step out of the way'...enough..so I have angered and irritated everyone.
I did not 'connect' appropriately with anyone. And at the parade I see my 'reputation' has proceeded me, so to speak, and many people with small dogs do not want me to pat them..and maybe they (the dogs) are being protective too...as they say they are. Doggies are so like that.
See, thinking about dogs, makes me feel better...at least now. Henry brought out the love and best side of me...and gave me an opportunity to express that part of me. Now I just have the bad side to express. At least I could trust HIM. It is not going to be easy..older age. I can see that. I am having an early taste of what it is like. And in a place where "social" is everything I am at a great disadvantage.
AND in these situations where there is more than one person interacting with you. I have always had such trouble with that...following the thread of conversation, knowing when to step in with a comment or not to step in, knowing when someone is actually being funny and making a joke...and NOT making fun of me in particular.
It would have been all right perhaps if I had taken along the things I wanted to accomplish today which was to bring the list of things to do from last week (which included things that other people wanted to do too)...(although those other people were there also and I supposed could have spoken for themselves about such matters)...(since they spoke about many other matters...)..(and it would have focused the afternoon rather than let it go into 'terrier mode'.
So I am disappointed that I cannot seem to cope. And ...and this is KEY...people, such as the ones in charge, think that I am doing well. In coping I mean. And sure I am. And certainly on the surface it would appear to be the case. But they do not see that I am on a slow decline into Social Assistance...since I do not seem able to stop the decline. I don't seem to be able to interact in the appropriate manner to hold a job...If I speak from my heart, as I did with the District Manager, for instance and wanted only to show her a website she could EXPLORE, so she would know it existed. Purely for that reason only. She thought I was 'targeting' her. She took it personally...but the point is she does not know that this exists. She rejects it outright. That is her choice of course. Fear is such a silly thing in this area. Like how can you be afraid of finding out more about your own self.
So anyway--I have gotten off the topic. I have gotten into the area the Monique is right about. The looking in your own back yard for the answer. I don't see though how you distinguish between heart and head though unless you know where your heart is...and no matter how nice a personality you have..that can only be 'shown' to you. You can't innately find it yourself.
And all this political talk...even when it is so true..and even when someone says they are a-political..which often that is how I would describe myself...how can you counter that in any way really..on any kind of scale..when you are dealing with such endless machinery of the mind.
5:30pm
Hope this 'edit' works. I did manage to get the other entries to post from the workshop this afternoon. i just wanted to comment on Monique's pages that we got a glimpse of this afternoon that she has posted very nice essays about people. That is a very wonderful idea. I don't know if the AS will get in the way though. I would like to do some of that...or something along that line..but she looks like she is very good at that. I will try to find the photo page to look at it again.
I feel I have made an error of judgment today. I feel it is another example of how it is so difficult for me to 'flow' with the give and take and precedures of 'conversation'. I am very disappointed in myself. Another example of perseveration perhaps. And I could not 'step out of the way'...enough..so I have angered and irritated everyone.
I did not 'connect' appropriately with anyone. And at the parade I see my 'reputation' has proceeded me, so to speak, and many people with small dogs do not want me to pat them..and maybe they (the dogs) are being protective too...as they say they are. Doggies are so like that.
See, thinking about dogs, makes me feel better...at least now. Henry brought out the love and best side of me...and gave me an opportunity to express that part of me. Now I just have the bad side to express. At least I could trust HIM. It is not going to be easy..older age. I can see that. I am having an early taste of what it is like. And in a place where "social" is everything I am at a great disadvantage.
AND in these situations where there is more than one person interacting with you. I have always had such trouble with that...following the thread of conversation, knowing when to step in with a comment or not to step in, knowing when someone is actually being funny and making a joke...and NOT making fun of me in particular.
It would have been all right perhaps if I had taken along the things I wanted to accomplish today which was to bring the list of things to do from last week (which included things that other people wanted to do too)...(although those other people were there also and I supposed could have spoken for themselves about such matters)...(since they spoke about many other matters...)..(and it would have focused the afternoon rather than let it go into 'terrier mode'.
So I am disappointed that I cannot seem to cope. And ...and this is KEY...people, such as the ones in charge, think that I am doing well. In coping I mean. And sure I am. And certainly on the surface it would appear to be the case. But they do not see that I am on a slow decline into Social Assistance...since I do not seem able to stop the decline. I don't seem to be able to interact in the appropriate manner to hold a job...If I speak from my heart, as I did with the District Manager, for instance and wanted only to show her a website she could EXPLORE, so she would know it existed. Purely for that reason only. She thought I was 'targeting' her. She took it personally...but the point is she does not know that this exists. She rejects it outright. That is her choice of course. Fear is such a silly thing in this area. Like how can you be afraid of finding out more about your own self.
So anyway--I have gotten off the topic. I have gotten into the area the Monique is right about. The looking in your own back yard for the answer. I don't see though how you distinguish between heart and head though unless you know where your heart is...and no matter how nice a personality you have..that can only be 'shown' to you. You can't innately find it yourself.
And all this political talk...even when it is so true..and even when someone says they are a-political..which often that is how I would describe myself...how can you counter that in any way really..on any kind of scale..when you are dealing with such endless machinery of the mind.
5:30pm
Hope this 'edit' works. I did manage to get the other entries to post from the workshop this afternoon. i just wanted to comment on Monique's pages that we got a glimpse of this afternoon that she has posted very nice essays about people. That is a very wonderful idea. I don't know if the AS will get in the way though. I would like to do some of that...or something along that line..but she looks like she is very good at that. I will try to find the photo page to look at it again.
None of this Seems to have Heart
Like I said....I feel I have lost my heart. So why am I posting anything here for pete's sake. Just makes me look like the idiot I am. AND I notice this is all in html...not ccs that they mentioned...so maybe that is the reason is it not posting. I don't know how to change the setting. I think it should be in "compose" mode.
Losing Henry
10:30am
Losing Henry has taken all the love out of my heart. I have nothing dependable on which to put my love.
I can't believe all these people who have been harrassing me could be so cruel. When I reflect on this new place to live, the only reason , really, that I like it here is there there is a modicum of 'safety', their being enough people around. Except of course, as is their want, as they say, they have also informed that they can conveniently not 'be around'...or in the case of the caretakers..concoct a story by which they could gain entry. So I am not really safe...and from what one might ask...and why. The other reason , perhaps, that I have said that I like this place is that there are 'updated' elements...(and god, that is not saying much with what is available these days. Just look at the HGTV channel)...so really I have lost everything that really should mean anything to me. On top of that...these people are so cruel..that they want to emphasize to me how little of value I am by not even wanting to buy things for which I have given many in their group top dollar and for which they will not even buy back for 10 cents on the dollar. EG. the computer.
I really don't know what to do. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for any kind of future are gone. It is not like I can revel in the 'social club' since everything 'social' is too stressful to consider.
Marissa in Medicine Hat was so right. The absolute thing that I do need is Henry. And how is that possible.
I can't believe everyone is so cruel...and lacking in understanding.
Losing Henry has taken all the love out of my heart. I have nothing dependable on which to put my love.
I can't believe all these people who have been harrassing me could be so cruel. When I reflect on this new place to live, the only reason , really, that I like it here is there there is a modicum of 'safety', their being enough people around. Except of course, as is their want, as they say, they have also informed that they can conveniently not 'be around'...or in the case of the caretakers..concoct a story by which they could gain entry. So I am not really safe...and from what one might ask...and why. The other reason , perhaps, that I have said that I like this place is that there are 'updated' elements...(and god, that is not saying much with what is available these days. Just look at the HGTV channel)...so really I have lost everything that really should mean anything to me. On top of that...these people are so cruel..that they want to emphasize to me how little of value I am by not even wanting to buy things for which I have given many in their group top dollar and for which they will not even buy back for 10 cents on the dollar. EG. the computer.
I really don't know what to do. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for any kind of future are gone. It is not like I can revel in the 'social club' since everything 'social' is too stressful to consider.
Marissa in Medicine Hat was so right. The absolute thing that I do need is Henry. And how is that possible.
I can't believe everyone is so cruel...and lacking in understanding.
Betrayal Bonds and the Like
6:30am
I guess there are so many things one could write about in a day...so many thoughts. I do not feel I am out of he woods here in this place by any means. Just because I am no longer being exploited by Jim does not mean there are similar players lurking all over the place. And the addiction / betrayal aspect potential to any number of relationships or interactions that appear before you everyday...continues on and on it would appear.
Now that I see my food addiction for what it is, I can at least monitor it. That is about all I can do. I still do not feel in control. All I can do is try to steer it into healthy eating patterns. That is what I am doing. I want to be able to move better. Gain strength and stamina. Blah blah.
None of this is what I wanted to write about. I am caught between not wanting to be angry and focusing on 'inner strength'...and feeling that my best comments are made when I am angry and not afraid to say what I am thinking at the moment. I usually am right on the mark. I am saying this because this is the most boring blog entry I can imagine. I cannot imagine anyone wanting to comment or read it.
And...also....I feel it has perhaps been interferred with since I cannot get it to publish. Or maybe it takes a while to be posted. Although it didn't at the beginning.
I guess there are so many things one could write about in a day...so many thoughts. I do not feel I am out of he woods here in this place by any means. Just because I am no longer being exploited by Jim does not mean there are similar players lurking all over the place. And the addiction / betrayal aspect potential to any number of relationships or interactions that appear before you everyday...continues on and on it would appear.
Now that I see my food addiction for what it is, I can at least monitor it. That is about all I can do. I still do not feel in control. All I can do is try to steer it into healthy eating patterns. That is what I am doing. I want to be able to move better. Gain strength and stamina. Blah blah.
None of this is what I wanted to write about. I am caught between not wanting to be angry and focusing on 'inner strength'...and feeling that my best comments are made when I am angry and not afraid to say what I am thinking at the moment. I usually am right on the mark. I am saying this because this is the most boring blog entry I can imagine. I cannot imagine anyone wanting to comment or read it.
And...also....I feel it has perhaps been interferred with since I cannot get it to publish. Or maybe it takes a while to be posted. Although it didn't at the beginning.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Bullies, Bikers and Babies
8:00am
This was the name of the theme for an exhibition that I concocted while at the Artist Residency. This is a picture of some of the participants at the Residency. Also I have included a photo of the eggs from last Easter made by the 'residents'..(but different meaning) of the care home where my mom lives now. There are a number of on-going things I could say about this topic of bullying. It turned out to be a intuitively apt topic...with benign references (eg. one of the participants was pregnant) and also harder, more sinister references. I was thinking of my baby dog when I created it.
Two nights ago my car was ransacked for the second time this month. I am very disappointed as well as very pissed. They took the 'key' contraption I need to release the hubcaps so I can change the tires every spring and fall. AND other 'issues' I have decided not to mention. This is definately an example of bullying. People throwing their weight around. For what reason I have no idea. Except to do it. I do not think it is random from one of the street people passing. But then, what do I know about this kind of crap. It just means I have to spend a lot of energy trying to replace it and that is very dfficult.
Just a note...in this apartment complex most people are like myself (only they've been that way for a lot longer)..that being poor and in subsidized housing..(although some I see aren't that poor and unlike me are able to still have their house)...but most people that I know these days drive decrepid cars or ride bicycles....those are the bikes generally referred to..and also the babies most likely will be grandchildren.
9:15am
I hope I am wrong about what I am about to say. It is now just a few minutes past the about paragraph. I have tried to view my blog and can't. I also notice on my in-page there is a 're-direct in the address. I hope these bastards haven't bullied their way into my blog and are posting it for their own fucking benefit. That makes me very angry. It is like the Christians must have felt when they were in the pit...these ignorant so-and-so's only care about their petty fucked up shit anyway...they wouldn't see the reference. But it is definately similar to the Lord's Prayer when it is said: "thou preparest a table in the presence of mine enemies..my cup runneth over..surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever'. Of course, these bullies have no idea what that is about. In their ignorance and fear they think what they know what is true. They do not even fathom that there is another world of love and caring. And on that note...I will take my leave from these asses.
10:00am
Well I have calmed down. It is very hot in this place. I may get the air conditioner installed if I persevere. (or not if I perseverate..a little AS joke). All of this is very minor in light of the proposed airline attacks in the U.K. It certainly cements my concerns for ever seeing my cousins again, or my aunt, all of whom I would love to visit again. I do not think I have that kind of courage.
Here is a totally inane thing to talk about....another AS trait when stressed. I wanted to mention that the bicycle that I noticed was sticking up in the field outside my window with its wheel in the air, as if someone had been mugged half-way through the field...is now gone...taken while I am here at the blog or reading...so I missed it. A bicycle accident in the middle of the night.
3:00pm
Went to pick up my first paycheque in years...256.00..not much for the strain perhaps but it is a cheque. I also 'discovered' two more incidents of how being on the autism spectrum is somewhat of a pain in the ass....(and some might say I, myself are that and maybe sometimes). When I went to pick up the cheque there were two or three of the main guys gathered there. I felt happy at the familiarity while at the same time felt awkward because I know they have rejected me as not playing by the rules. Never mind that I am much older than the others, fatter, and with very little reserves these days...not to mention absolutely stressed since I have nobody to fall back on except myself. So anyway I was very happy to be there and said hello like I was a buddy..or tried to be...but when I came to the door there was Tracy with the kids and her husband with the baby and Jeff with the red shirt....so I went into a typical thing that happens in 'groups' and did not follow the flow of the conversation adequately or appropriately even though Tracy had made it easy for me by introducing the little girl and then the baby...all I had to do was follow her direction. But no I got distracted by the red shirt. And so it made it look like I was ignoring the baby and was not oooing and aaaahing appropriately. I was very embarrassed for myself. I did have a good interaction with the bigger boss though...Jill. But she is not perhaps the one who does the hiring back.
So the other incident that reflects my inappropriate interaction ability...AND by present ability to be distracted is when I went to get a 1.50 book for phone call and information logs. I ended up leaving the coin dispenser (.75) and the two photo albums (.50 each) and the cards (75.) I got just before that at HBC. I left the bag while I was looking for a book.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Inertia
Last night I had a real experience of how Einstein came to develop his theory of mass or whatever it was...the one that says a body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest. Einstein had AS you know. I got that light-bulb idea when I could not shift gears yesterday. He probably had the mathematical kind of AS..well obviously.
This is just a comment. I will maybe try to upload some of the other photos. I don't know how to integrate them with the text very well though.
Photos from the Past
3:45pm
These are photos from October 21, 2004. I believe they must have been the first snowfall for that year. They are of the studio and the back yard..which was just sold.
The little dog is Cuddles from the Dog Jog of 2005. This year she was dressed as a bee. She is such a sweety.
I will try to concentrate on 'positive' things here. I will not go into the disappointing morning and disappointing 'interactions'..especially the ones regarding the Housing Corporation. The very word..I am reminded of that excellent documentary on TV the other night..which interjected the assessments used by psychologists to demonstrate like what is insanity anyway and certainly what certain corporations (if not all of them) are doing was demonstrated to fit the definitions presented perfectly.
As seems to be my want lately...when I am totally stressed I start cooking..so I was very happy with myself that I had divided up the remaining vegetables in the fridge from my over-shopping last week and made three dishes out of them (before they get not edible)..so the organic greens which were probably not that fresh when I bought them partly went into the West African Ground Nut Stew (after I made a salad for lunch) along with the lonely little yam, 2 potatoes, 4 inches of celery, one small onion, one stalk of broccoli and what remained of the ginger, garlic. With peanut butter, the small V8 juice saved for this recipe and guram masala and chili powder and red chilis. But...as would also be my want lately...I got distracted into making a file of the photos that will be included in this entry. So I am not perfect in this process. And I have learned again that I MUST do only one thing at a time. I cannot multi-task. Maybe I could in my youth. But those days are gone. So the vegetables were more cooked than I wanted them to be. I am disappointed in myself.
The other recipes are going to be a stir-fry with the remaining mushrooms, the other stalk of broccoli, the large stalk of celery and the bean sprouts.
And I will make a bean and corn salad and add the remaining piece of the red pepper and some of the red onion.
So I might not have to shop this week at all.
The other resolve is to not eat any bread. Or carbs. So I see I have let myself down already by making the stew. But I am revising the resolve to be mostly bread. I will cut it out. I know that I do very badly with bread and the like.
Eating Disorders
The title was going to be a little different but it takes me so long to get in here I forget where I was going with what.
Eating disorders have been the theme for the latter part of the day...there is my variety..over-eating..good old gluttony..eating for the pleasure of it...and then the other end of the spectrum....not eating. I have come across two or three of those today. I don't know which is the more frightening in terms of potential outcomes. My little doggy pats lead me to discover all sorts of people..(none of the doggy pats are nearly as good as Henry I will just interject. None of the dogs feels or acts as good as Henry. None feel the same or are a substitute and it is wearing thin). That may be one of the reasons I am having trouble sleeping..and also maybe something BIG is coming down the pipe. Feels a little like that.
As I write this I have The Last Waltz on...thought it might lull me into some slumber perhaps..nice to see Jonie Mitchell in her younger days.
I had a wonderful interlude by the lake in the park about 6:30. Maybe I mentioned it..can't remember. Yes, a 'spiritual walk' rather than and 'exercise walk'. A reprieve from my mind. I also came across this woman who is so desperately thin it is scary. I have seen her before somewhere...I mentioned that to her. She has a new little puppy. She has a very sweet face..but it looks like a puppet face on a skeleten body. I do not think she is at all well but she says she is a doctor.
I have been thinking this evening also about someone else I know..(notice how I am hesitant to use actual names..I will try to be discreet. This person is also terribly thin and on reflecting on this phenomenon I came to realize it is probably not just by chance..and that she might be a secret purger..bulimia..rather than just a non-eater.
So it has made me ponder on all this eating stuff...why is this. What are we 'filling up'...or denying. What love do we need and are not getting?
I also went to some blogger sites in regard to the Lebonese/Israel thing..BECAUSE it was mentioned by the Israeli ambassador to the Security Council but on reflecting on that also how convenenient is that for pete's sake. I went to a Jewish one and a pro-Lebonese one..to check out both. The Lebonese one was more informative since we do not get that perpsective here usually and it had interesting video..(interesting if you like to see dead people). So I am wondering if they are really going to find any peace or is it going to excalate as all of us have feared for so long...only now I don't feel any fear. This is exactly what people talked about happening at the beginning of the Iraq War..But on no..Bush charged ahead..(well what choice did he have..he is just puppet to the right 'advisors'. Anyway about the blogs..I feel also they are a way the govt. guys use to check up on who is who and what they think. They do that kind of thing you know. More little boy games. Only look how serious it is and who is paying the price.
When Maharaji talks about finding peace in the middle of war he probably never thought he would have to think of it in that way...that the whole world would be fucked. But it is true. I have felt that myself over the last few months..when all the chaos was around me...even if it did not look like that. All those people who have Knowledge in Israel will be hard pressed. And I am thinking again of that guy who took me in in Calgary who works for a company in Syria..wonder if he is still there. He likes that kind of drama though...almost had his name.
We are in a sorry world aren't we. And we won't escape it here either. The only refuge is inside. I really need to trust myself. That is part of the lesson now too. But my heart, not my head. That is the hard part.
For anyone who is interested here is the url for Prem Rawat:
Eating disorders have been the theme for the latter part of the day...there is my variety..over-eating..good old gluttony..eating for the pleasure of it...and then the other end of the spectrum....not eating. I have come across two or three of those today. I don't know which is the more frightening in terms of potential outcomes. My little doggy pats lead me to discover all sorts of people..(none of the doggy pats are nearly as good as Henry I will just interject. None of the dogs feels or acts as good as Henry. None feel the same or are a substitute and it is wearing thin). That may be one of the reasons I am having trouble sleeping..and also maybe something BIG is coming down the pipe. Feels a little like that.
As I write this I have The Last Waltz on...thought it might lull me into some slumber perhaps..nice to see Jonie Mitchell in her younger days.
I had a wonderful interlude by the lake in the park about 6:30. Maybe I mentioned it..can't remember. Yes, a 'spiritual walk' rather than and 'exercise walk'. A reprieve from my mind. I also came across this woman who is so desperately thin it is scary. I have seen her before somewhere...I mentioned that to her. She has a new little puppy. She has a very sweet face..but it looks like a puppet face on a skeleten body. I do not think she is at all well but she says she is a doctor.
I have been thinking this evening also about someone else I know..(notice how I am hesitant to use actual names..I will try to be discreet. This person is also terribly thin and on reflecting on this phenomenon I came to realize it is probably not just by chance..and that she might be a secret purger..bulimia..rather than just a non-eater.
So it has made me ponder on all this eating stuff...why is this. What are we 'filling up'...or denying. What love do we need and are not getting?
I also went to some blogger sites in regard to the Lebonese/Israel thing..BECAUSE it was mentioned by the Israeli ambassador to the Security Council but on reflecting on that also how convenenient is that for pete's sake. I went to a Jewish one and a pro-Lebonese one..to check out both. The Lebonese one was more informative since we do not get that perpsective here usually and it had interesting video..(interesting if you like to see dead people). So I am wondering if they are really going to find any peace or is it going to excalate as all of us have feared for so long...only now I don't feel any fear. This is exactly what people talked about happening at the beginning of the Iraq War..But on no..Bush charged ahead..(well what choice did he have..he is just puppet to the right 'advisors'. Anyway about the blogs..I feel also they are a way the govt. guys use to check up on who is who and what they think. They do that kind of thing you know. More little boy games. Only look how serious it is and who is paying the price.
When Maharaji talks about finding peace in the middle of war he probably never thought he would have to think of it in that way...that the whole world would be fucked. But it is true. I have felt that myself over the last few months..when all the chaos was around me...even if it did not look like that. All those people who have Knowledge in Israel will be hard pressed. And I am thinking again of that guy who took me in in Calgary who works for a company in Syria..wonder if he is still there. He likes that kind of drama though...almost had his name.
We are in a sorry world aren't we. And we won't escape it here either. The only refuge is inside. I really need to trust myself. That is part of the lesson now too. But my heart, not my head. That is the hard part.
For anyone who is interested here is the url for Prem Rawat:
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Sleepless on the Prairies
4:45am
It is almost dawn. I have been awake for about two hours. There has been some noise and movement downstairs and in the hall a few minutes ago. I am wondering if it is something that I should be concerned with. There were break-ins here over the last few weeks.
I am supposed to deliver Meals on Wheels this morning. Since I have been up most of the night with only about 2 hours sleep or less, I will probably not be of much use to myself. I have been weighing what I need to do to make some income. Always it comes to the same thing...and I never know if it is because of a character flaw..or whether attempting to concentrate on pots which might not sell is really what I should be doing. I have a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. I have been thinking of attempting to find a studio to work in perhaps in Saskatoon where I can see my mother more.
That was also an idea previously. I have trouble keeping all the 'ideas' in my head.
It is almost dawn. I am not sure I will be able to go to sleep. I think I will try to 'meditate' first. Also I have not been listeneing to the Keys DVD which tends to be soothing and would be better watched every day for best understanding. I will start to monitor which nights are better..when I listen in the evening or when I watch tv. As if I don't already know the answer!
6:00am
Have tried to go to sleep..no luck. I was looking at the clouds a while ago as the sun was coming up. The skies are always beautiful and I love to see them at dawn. A bird flying by. I can appreciate all that in the midst of feeling so bereft. I believe if I had my baby dog I would not be going through this. At the very least he would have me out taking him for a walk. I would feel his sweet face and fur. He would come to lick my face when he realized I was in fact getting up, having been totally patient if that did not appear to be the case. I would have a warm snuggly creature to love.
I know if I had Downs Syndrome...there would be no discussion of whether a 'therapy dog' was a true necessity. No one would question the validity of my need. Marissa in Medicine Hat seemed to be the only person, of late, that really understood that. She was going to send me a postcard from Ottawa where she went with her uncle..but perhaps there was not enough time as I had mentioned to her, even if her intensions were good. Perhaps I should email her. I just had a crying jag. I realized it was because I have nothing to love that I am not sleeping. That, and worrying about all that I will have to go through before I feel whole again.
It is that thing about the heart vs. the head...and I am having a hard time sorting out which is which. That is why I am in this mess. Logic. Well, there didn't seem to be any option...and then there was (is) the bullying.
9:15am
One would wonder how one would have any time to continually write here. So altogther I think I may have slept two hours...perhaps. Also it is somewhat noisy outside the window, or noises are maganafied...eg. I heard the woman downstairs running water for a long time only to see her out before dawn washing the car.
The only reason I waded in here right now is that I wanted to say that in spite of all the dogs I have patted of late (and there haven't been that many, none feel like Henry. I miss him so much.
Another comment is that just now...when I fist came to the site...another incident of the cursor being 'attached' to a piece of shit. When I shut it down and started again, it was gone. So maybe the name on google was a bogus one..trying to figure where it would have attached itself...think it is in the drop-down, if you don't type in the the whole of the url but just click it in. I don't know why these people are like that. It is not like I am going to give them anything of any value to them....or actually that is not true.
I am going to suggest you look up this site:
INSPIRE NEWSLETTER, News for the Heart http://inspire.org
2:00pm
Meals on Wheels Vs. The Regina Housing Authority
Today was Meals on Wheels day. I am asked to deliver them once in a while. I believe that they have figured out that many of my neighbours in the same building receive Meals on Wheels although I did deliver this route from my house also. Anyway, it has taken three hours..(can you believe!!)...and it only involved two buildings and in a four block radius of the hospital.
What I learned this morning is that one, you can die any time (we already know that but don't think about it too much)..as soon as I entered the hospital there was a Code Blue on one of the wings. And this building is very confusing when I come at it from the Meals on Wheels hat...even though I live here. It looks totally different when I have to deliver the meals. And two, it is ok to ask people even when it seems very silly. For example: they stuck a mean on my route to a person on the 11 th floor of one of these rediculous 'high rises for seniors'...so after talking to the person in the hospital about how I don't like going up that high, I took the meal and thought oh something will turn out and if not I will just grit my teeth and try to make it up there. There were some residents in the lobby and one of them had to let me in since the person I was delivering to did not open the door...and then I told her about my dilemma and asked if she might at all be able to take it to that floor. She was delighted as it turned out. The lady was waiting at her table. She put the things out for her and even returned the foam outside which I had forgotten to mention to her. It was smiles all around. Then I went to the other building but found I had forgotten one at the first bulding so on my second trip a group of people were pushing someone in a wheelchair and laughing and I blurted out that would anyone mind coming up with me...and it turned out that the lady who was having a wonderful time helping me used to run the elevator at one of the hospitals. And they had kept her on after they automated the elevators so people would feel more comfortable. So she was the perfect person for me to find. Everyone had a huge laugh and had the chance to tell the story about how that had been her job anyway. And I felt relieved also.
All of this, I think, would go under the category of GRACE. Don't you think?
Oh and where the Regina Housing Authority comes in is that I happened to run into the person who has been 'avoiding' me for the last two weeks...the 'caretaker' at one of the other buildings..showing a new employee around. It turns out he has no idea how to deal with the windows...makes all sorts of excuses about why he can't do anything...that he would be liable if he used a ladder...HHHUUUUUHHHH?????..etc etc. AND...he came in my suite when I was not here....something I had expressly said not to do...so it looks like if I can at all find someone 'private' to do it I might actually get it done. And then they will say that they can't do it because the Housing Authority has to do everything. I am beginning to see why many of the people here liked the caretaker who just left. This other guy is a total..well I won't say.
And the reason I wanted to mention all this here is that I, MYSELF, WAS NOT HERE...whcih was my error...and this is where that stupid AS comes in...as I was doing another errand that did not have to be done right then...but I could not change gears when I saw the caretaker in the elevator and that is why he got into the apartment without my being here...when all I had to do was accompany him in the elevator. And then I had already pissed the person on the phone at the place I was going and she turned out to be the one who had to ok the payment...and she knew I was going to need that ok and I could see her looking at me with that face that says she is pissed off (at what I don't know)..But it is because of the AS for sure, I pissed her off by not leaving my name and getting them to call back I suppose, go figure. But if I had not gone and been more PATIENT...maybe I would have made arrangements for the air conditioner to be put in...he idiot caretaker even said he couldn't do that because he would be liable...bull...he is lazy and doesn't want to lift it. I, myself, can almost lift it but not quite. He is a man. It is not that much of a deal. I have done it for many years at the house. It is a nuisance true...but not that big a deal. Maybe I will ask Jason. Maybe he has a friend with a ladder.
5:30pm
The problem with doing a log for the whole day is that it gets pretty long and covers more than one topic. So maybe I will have to rethink this process.
The problem also with not having any sleep for many nights now...or at the very least many disrupted hours..a couple here and there...is that it takes its toll on your body and your ability to function. How it manifests in my body is that I am very slow even though I attempt many things in spite of that. I have been 'working' all day basically...although for absolutely no pay...I do not know how long I can continue in this manner,in fact that is what I have been contemplating for most of the afternoon.
I have spent at least one hour, maybe more, going over the payments and accounts and bank statements..trying to make sure everything is good and I have not been taken advantage of in this time of stress. I am always surprised how well I can sometimes function in my brain even in this situation. Of course, I probably don't see the mistakes (possible anyway)...and of course, I have a very short fuse when I am so over-stressed.
And nobody...nobody...not one person from my 'family' pays the least little bit of interest. I am beginning to get very pissed off about that. I deserve better treatment than that. I believe we are in need of a very important discussion. Hah.
Scary though too. I believe I am going to take myself out for a Iced Cap..large..I have only had the one from about two weeks ago in about 3 years. I hope it is good.
It is almost dawn. I have been awake for about two hours. There has been some noise and movement downstairs and in the hall a few minutes ago. I am wondering if it is something that I should be concerned with. There were break-ins here over the last few weeks.
I am supposed to deliver Meals on Wheels this morning. Since I have been up most of the night with only about 2 hours sleep or less, I will probably not be of much use to myself. I have been weighing what I need to do to make some income. Always it comes to the same thing...and I never know if it is because of a character flaw..or whether attempting to concentrate on pots which might not sell is really what I should be doing. I have a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. I have been thinking of attempting to find a studio to work in perhaps in Saskatoon where I can see my mother more.
That was also an idea previously. I have trouble keeping all the 'ideas' in my head.
It is almost dawn. I am not sure I will be able to go to sleep. I think I will try to 'meditate' first. Also I have not been listeneing to the Keys DVD which tends to be soothing and would be better watched every day for best understanding. I will start to monitor which nights are better..when I listen in the evening or when I watch tv. As if I don't already know the answer!
6:00am
Have tried to go to sleep..no luck. I was looking at the clouds a while ago as the sun was coming up. The skies are always beautiful and I love to see them at dawn. A bird flying by. I can appreciate all that in the midst of feeling so bereft. I believe if I had my baby dog I would not be going through this. At the very least he would have me out taking him for a walk. I would feel his sweet face and fur. He would come to lick my face when he realized I was in fact getting up, having been totally patient if that did not appear to be the case. I would have a warm snuggly creature to love.
I know if I had Downs Syndrome...there would be no discussion of whether a 'therapy dog' was a true necessity. No one would question the validity of my need. Marissa in Medicine Hat seemed to be the only person, of late, that really understood that. She was going to send me a postcard from Ottawa where she went with her uncle..but perhaps there was not enough time as I had mentioned to her, even if her intensions were good. Perhaps I should email her. I just had a crying jag. I realized it was because I have nothing to love that I am not sleeping. That, and worrying about all that I will have to go through before I feel whole again.
It is that thing about the heart vs. the head...and I am having a hard time sorting out which is which. That is why I am in this mess. Logic. Well, there didn't seem to be any option...and then there was (is) the bullying.
9:15am
One would wonder how one would have any time to continually write here. So altogther I think I may have slept two hours...perhaps. Also it is somewhat noisy outside the window, or noises are maganafied...eg. I heard the woman downstairs running water for a long time only to see her out before dawn washing the car.
The only reason I waded in here right now is that I wanted to say that in spite of all the dogs I have patted of late (and there haven't been that many, none feel like Henry. I miss him so much.
Another comment is that just now...when I fist came to the site...another incident of the cursor being 'attached' to a piece of shit. When I shut it down and started again, it was gone. So maybe the name on google was a bogus one..trying to figure where it would have attached itself...think it is in the drop-down, if you don't type in the the whole of the url but just click it in. I don't know why these people are like that. It is not like I am going to give them anything of any value to them....or actually that is not true.
I am going to suggest you look up this site:
INSPIRE NEWSLETTER, News for the Heart http://inspire.org
2:00pm
Meals on Wheels Vs. The Regina Housing Authority
Today was Meals on Wheels day. I am asked to deliver them once in a while. I believe that they have figured out that many of my neighbours in the same building receive Meals on Wheels although I did deliver this route from my house also. Anyway, it has taken three hours..(can you believe!!)...and it only involved two buildings and in a four block radius of the hospital.
What I learned this morning is that one, you can die any time (we already know that but don't think about it too much)..as soon as I entered the hospital there was a Code Blue on one of the wings. And this building is very confusing when I come at it from the Meals on Wheels hat...even though I live here. It looks totally different when I have to deliver the meals. And two, it is ok to ask people even when it seems very silly. For example: they stuck a mean on my route to a person on the 11 th floor of one of these rediculous 'high rises for seniors'...so after talking to the person in the hospital about how I don't like going up that high, I took the meal and thought oh something will turn out and if not I will just grit my teeth and try to make it up there. There were some residents in the lobby and one of them had to let me in since the person I was delivering to did not open the door...and then I told her about my dilemma and asked if she might at all be able to take it to that floor. She was delighted as it turned out. The lady was waiting at her table. She put the things out for her and even returned the foam outside which I had forgotten to mention to her. It was smiles all around. Then I went to the other building but found I had forgotten one at the first bulding so on my second trip a group of people were pushing someone in a wheelchair and laughing and I blurted out that would anyone mind coming up with me...and it turned out that the lady who was having a wonderful time helping me used to run the elevator at one of the hospitals. And they had kept her on after they automated the elevators so people would feel more comfortable. So she was the perfect person for me to find. Everyone had a huge laugh and had the chance to tell the story about how that had been her job anyway. And I felt relieved also.
All of this, I think, would go under the category of GRACE. Don't you think?
Oh and where the Regina Housing Authority comes in is that I happened to run into the person who has been 'avoiding' me for the last two weeks...the 'caretaker' at one of the other buildings..showing a new employee around. It turns out he has no idea how to deal with the windows...makes all sorts of excuses about why he can't do anything...that he would be liable if he used a ladder...HHHUUUUUHHHH?????..etc etc. AND...he came in my suite when I was not here....something I had expressly said not to do...so it looks like if I can at all find someone 'private' to do it I might actually get it done. And then they will say that they can't do it because the Housing Authority has to do everything. I am beginning to see why many of the people here liked the caretaker who just left. This other guy is a total..well I won't say.
And the reason I wanted to mention all this here is that I, MYSELF, WAS NOT HERE...whcih was my error...and this is where that stupid AS comes in...as I was doing another errand that did not have to be done right then...but I could not change gears when I saw the caretaker in the elevator and that is why he got into the apartment without my being here...when all I had to do was accompany him in the elevator. And then I had already pissed the person on the phone at the place I was going and she turned out to be the one who had to ok the payment...and she knew I was going to need that ok and I could see her looking at me with that face that says she is pissed off (at what I don't know)..But it is because of the AS for sure, I pissed her off by not leaving my name and getting them to call back I suppose, go figure. But if I had not gone and been more PATIENT...maybe I would have made arrangements for the air conditioner to be put in...he idiot caretaker even said he couldn't do that because he would be liable...bull...he is lazy and doesn't want to lift it. I, myself, can almost lift it but not quite. He is a man. It is not that much of a deal. I have done it for many years at the house. It is a nuisance true...but not that big a deal. Maybe I will ask Jason. Maybe he has a friend with a ladder.
5:30pm
The problem with doing a log for the whole day is that it gets pretty long and covers more than one topic. So maybe I will have to rethink this process.
The problem also with not having any sleep for many nights now...or at the very least many disrupted hours..a couple here and there...is that it takes its toll on your body and your ability to function. How it manifests in my body is that I am very slow even though I attempt many things in spite of that. I have been 'working' all day basically...although for absolutely no pay...I do not know how long I can continue in this manner,in fact that is what I have been contemplating for most of the afternoon.
I have spent at least one hour, maybe more, going over the payments and accounts and bank statements..trying to make sure everything is good and I have not been taken advantage of in this time of stress. I am always surprised how well I can sometimes function in my brain even in this situation. Of course, I probably don't see the mistakes (possible anyway)...and of course, I have a very short fuse when I am so over-stressed.
And nobody...nobody...not one person from my 'family' pays the least little bit of interest. I am beginning to get very pissed off about that. I deserve better treatment than that. I believe we are in need of a very important discussion. Hah.
Scary though too. I believe I am going to take myself out for a Iced Cap..large..I have only had the one from about two weeks ago in about 3 years. I hope it is good.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Baby Dog and the Daffodils
This is one of my favourite photos...but I might include some of the others in this file.
Noon
This is what I came up with when looking for an answer inside: Here is another example of how people on the autism spectrum (a hidden disability) are often taken advantage of because of their inability to adequately defend themselves. (This is a documented and discussed fact). Before I was able to successfully upload this photo..I tried the first time..to add it to one of the other previously written editions...(where I thought it would fit into the flow of what was being discussed in a more appropriate manner)..only to find that 'someone' had attached something to my cursor. Possibly to monitor me or steal something that they might find useful to them (lord knows what!)...but I noticed it was attached when I went to sign-in. If I had been smarter I would have shut down the computer and perhaps it would have dislodged them...but no...because of the AS, even when I noticed it...I went ahead and entered my private information..my name and password..with the little shit attached..and lo, my photo did not do what it was supposed to do..and also I got that jiggle on the screen which indicates something is going somewhere...but obviously not to the correct place. This kind of thing makes me very angry. I am sick of it. And frustrated with myself...but mostly with anyone who would do it in the first place.
6:30pm
What I hate about all the monitoring that goes on, is that nobody gets to know me ON MY OWN MERIT...in other words, the way most people get to know each other. There is no getting to know you by shared activites and honest, heart-felt attraction..so that you are seen as a person....not an object to control at all costs. So if I make a mistake or make a comment that a certain person does not like (or judges in a particular fashion) they can come back at me without ever having interacted with me in any way. What kind of crap is that? Who do they fucking think they are?
8:30pm
So I have gone around the block again..about half an hour..plus the jaunt into Quinn Drive on the off chance I might see "Annie". Actually I have worked out it is more like 16 blocks. It is such a huge area of land...where they used to have the community gardens except for the last two years. Soon it will be 'developed' and who knows what will happen..certainly it won't be the relatively quiet pastoral scene that it is now...with geese and various other creatures attempting to make nests in the spring. I am trying to build up my stamina. Tonight was not toooo bad. My legs get tired very quickly though. We met a poodle, Nessie, on the way and had a pat.
I had a false start in getting a resume to a place for a job in the paper. Couldn't find anyone to give it to. Will try tomorrow. But wrote the letter to Cambridge about the Art and Music Event they are having in September.
I am going to attempt to post another photo. Actually to go with the theme of quiet enjoyment I will post the pot with bachelor buttons made by L.D.
The Human Stain
It has been three days since I happened to catch this movie on the tv. I still wake up thinking about it. Last night, of course, was not a good night...since I was up for much of the time. In fact, if I look carefully I see that I have not really slept well since moving here.
It is not that my life has been as dramatically violated to the same degree, in any way, as the character in the movie....but definately, so many elements, do seem familiar. I have been thinking about how even as recently as last week 'players' (from which side I am not totally sure) are still being inadvertently 'exposed'. Even the Buffalo Days parade was a confirmation to a question. And of what you might ask. And because of the nature of the answer to that question and the nature of the consequences to that..I cannot disclose. To me, it all seems like little boys playing games. I do not take it seriously (except to love myself enough to protect myself in the possiblitiy that it is true...which most of me knows it is).
And all this sounds like 'poppycock' and 'gobbledygook' I know. And most people would not even be able to begin to understand what I am talking about. I wish I could get paid the amount of money they are paid to play the little games and think of it as doing the job. I wish I could have a income of some sort....period.
If I was stronger physically and younger, perhaps I would take on three jobs to occupy the time as the character in the movie did. I had done that actually...by spending hours and hours trying to make a go of it with my pottery...after I lost everything...the first time. I felt I had no choice but to put as much effort into it as possible since everything was gone. But the reason for doing it was also gone...the love and caring of a family which made it all mean something.Otherwise it was just trying to make a living for yourself.
And in more recent years, the last few say,with all the 'players'. (Boy, I hate to use that term and probably shouldn't because it probably has connotations that I can only dream about and of which I know nothing but might appear to know). But it is an apt description. Boys playing games. And to get to the point that I guess I am trying to get to without going into such huge description of the details, I do not feel I could have 'gotten through' or moved on without the help of having received Knowledge from Prem Rawat. I still hang on to things and people way longer than is sensible...in fact I seem to not be able to make the change until everything is way past the good part and I am on the verge of destruction. This last move is a good example.
I see is all, now, as totally exemplifying what happens to me with this Hidden Disability. Sometimes I feel I should file a class action suit against all the people who have taken advantage of me...many of whom have huge resources and moneypiles..and that is the issue...since I, myself, have no resources. Only the truth. It would be very difficult. Not many 'experts' in this neck of the woods to testify...not that I could get 'expert help' in such a situation. I would at least feel that justice was being done. I could demonstrate that what has happened to me is not just a 'personal issue' between small potatoes. That I really am at such a disadvantage when having to deal with the world. And if you make one mistake, in who you align yourself with, as I did, then you lose everything...as I did...again.
So your life is filled with constant sorrow that you have to overcome with deep meditation and vigilant focus on things not pertaining to the world. You have to become aware of what is true and not true...what is of value and not of value...what a gift our life is. The chapters seem to pass so quickly.
It is not that my life has been as dramatically violated to the same degree, in any way, as the character in the movie....but definately, so many elements, do seem familiar. I have been thinking about how even as recently as last week 'players' (from which side I am not totally sure) are still being inadvertently 'exposed'. Even the Buffalo Days parade was a confirmation to a question. And of what you might ask. And because of the nature of the answer to that question and the nature of the consequences to that..I cannot disclose. To me, it all seems like little boys playing games. I do not take it seriously (except to love myself enough to protect myself in the possiblitiy that it is true...which most of me knows it is).
And all this sounds like 'poppycock' and 'gobbledygook' I know. And most people would not even be able to begin to understand what I am talking about. I wish I could get paid the amount of money they are paid to play the little games and think of it as doing the job. I wish I could have a income of some sort....period.
If I was stronger physically and younger, perhaps I would take on three jobs to occupy the time as the character in the movie did. I had done that actually...by spending hours and hours trying to make a go of it with my pottery...after I lost everything...the first time. I felt I had no choice but to put as much effort into it as possible since everything was gone. But the reason for doing it was also gone...the love and caring of a family which made it all mean something.Otherwise it was just trying to make a living for yourself.
And in more recent years, the last few say,with all the 'players'. (Boy, I hate to use that term and probably shouldn't because it probably has connotations that I can only dream about and of which I know nothing but might appear to know). But it is an apt description. Boys playing games. And to get to the point that I guess I am trying to get to without going into such huge description of the details, I do not feel I could have 'gotten through' or moved on without the help of having received Knowledge from Prem Rawat. I still hang on to things and people way longer than is sensible...in fact I seem to not be able to make the change until everything is way past the good part and I am on the verge of destruction. This last move is a good example.
I see is all, now, as totally exemplifying what happens to me with this Hidden Disability. Sometimes I feel I should file a class action suit against all the people who have taken advantage of me...many of whom have huge resources and moneypiles..and that is the issue...since I, myself, have no resources. Only the truth. It would be very difficult. Not many 'experts' in this neck of the woods to testify...not that I could get 'expert help' in such a situation. I would at least feel that justice was being done. I could demonstrate that what has happened to me is not just a 'personal issue' between small potatoes. That I really am at such a disadvantage when having to deal with the world. And if you make one mistake, in who you align yourself with, as I did, then you lose everything...as I did...again.
So your life is filled with constant sorrow that you have to overcome with deep meditation and vigilant focus on things not pertaining to the world. You have to become aware of what is true and not true...what is of value and not of value...what a gift our life is. The chapters seem to pass so quickly.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Tiny Pieces of Paper
This is a picture of my baby dog Henry who I had to give up for adoption. My photo is called "Henry and the Daffodils". It is one of my favourite photos.
I have spent the whole day sorting through the various piles of tiny pieces of paper that were my 'lists'....over the last few months. The latest ones are the hardest and have the most emotional impact. One forgets how everything unfolded...or at least I had more or less forgotten the 'details'.
I know I am just in a 'holding pattern'...but sometimes I don't want to acknowledge that....I keep hoping that perhaps something could come of this new situation that will be more satisfying. I doubt that anything though will be able to replace the contentment and joy I felt inside in my own house. This was in spite of all the conflict that occurred with values and concepts of living that Jim imposed. I still was very content...waaaaaay down inside. Those last days with Henry also...when I knew it was going to end....trying to soak in as much of the feeling as I could.
I will keep plodding on. Guess I need to go an 'practice'...meditate...whatever....since this all seems to be getting to me.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Paper Fragments from 1999 to 2001 (some)
I have just come back from a walk around the block. It takes about half and hour. I will try to build up my stamina. This evening I finally got to sorting out the small pile of papers that had been in the plastic container marked 'studio mail' which I am now using for office supplies and the like....(only I forget that that is where I have put them sometimes).
I came across many little notes about the time I had the opportunity to become a 'volunteer' at SYMPIA...in 2000 when they had that employment initiative. It makes me feel very disappointed in myself. I have names and phone numbers and little notes on suggestions from various people. Most are very informative and good ideas. I was not able to follow through with them for some reason...mostly probably the people forgot to tell me that 'if I did this'..."maybe this would happen'...or 'probably this would open up'....as most NT's (sorry to use the term but it applies in this situation)...most would know exactly 'what was coming down the pipe' as the saying goes...and act accordingly...to optimize their opportunities.
But not me. No, I continued to putz around in the shed at the back of my yard...that I called the studio....in the ridiculous hope that what was obvious...(the declining markets, the new, younger, and greater competition, the lack of physical assistance)...would be able to be overcome by my creativity and imagination...even a little bit. Rather than make what seemed like the gerganuan effort to move sideways into a potentially lucrative but at that time shaky 'new beginning'.
I have come across a list from the Fall of 1999 that I created in order that I would not forget all the help I got from a lot of people to create the studio in the first place. My desires over-riding any common sense it would seem. The following people helped me make the move from the huge space on 8th Avenue to the little old grain shed (or whatever it was) in my back yard: Mario and Guy Mastrangelo
Jason Arkell
Mick Burrs AKA Steven Michael Berzensky (now of Toronto)
Ross Taylor
Bob Willis
Gerald Morton (whose casserole I used the other day to cook the roast beef and vegetables)
Rick (Lomas I assume, but I did not write that down)
Kelvin Turner
Dallas Turner
Bernard Moe (he is Ben's son from Halifax who was the city planner there)
Ardelle Hunt (Ben's daughter who is no longer living)
Kyle
Jack Drummond
Thanks to all of you. Time moves on I guess. Seven years later....things are getting smaller again. I now have this little table 2 feet by 2 feet on which I still have to create something that I would like to save.
On another scrap of paper I found the following quotation:
" Just like a potter sees the possibility of a pot in clay.....so does a master see the possibility of endless joy in a student"
--Maharaji
Also this evening in the pile of tiny pieces of paper I found:
RULES FOR BEING HUMAN
1. You will receive a body. You will like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the
opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The 'failed' experiments are
as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately 'works'.
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you
have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons
to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will,
again, look better than "here".
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you
something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to
you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
--Anonymous
I came across many little notes about the time I had the opportunity to become a 'volunteer' at SYMPIA...in 2000 when they had that employment initiative. It makes me feel very disappointed in myself. I have names and phone numbers and little notes on suggestions from various people. Most are very informative and good ideas. I was not able to follow through with them for some reason...mostly probably the people forgot to tell me that 'if I did this'..."maybe this would happen'...or 'probably this would open up'....as most NT's (sorry to use the term but it applies in this situation)...most would know exactly 'what was coming down the pipe' as the saying goes...and act accordingly...to optimize their opportunities.
But not me. No, I continued to putz around in the shed at the back of my yard...that I called the studio....in the ridiculous hope that what was obvious...(the declining markets, the new, younger, and greater competition, the lack of physical assistance)...would be able to be overcome by my creativity and imagination...even a little bit. Rather than make what seemed like the gerganuan effort to move sideways into a potentially lucrative but at that time shaky 'new beginning'.
I have come across a list from the Fall of 1999 that I created in order that I would not forget all the help I got from a lot of people to create the studio in the first place. My desires over-riding any common sense it would seem. The following people helped me make the move from the huge space on 8th Avenue to the little old grain shed (or whatever it was) in my back yard: Mario and Guy Mastrangelo
Jason Arkell
Mick Burrs AKA Steven Michael Berzensky (now of Toronto)
Ross Taylor
Bob Willis
Gerald Morton (whose casserole I used the other day to cook the roast beef and vegetables)
Rick (Lomas I assume, but I did not write that down)
Kelvin Turner
Dallas Turner
Bernard Moe (he is Ben's son from Halifax who was the city planner there)
Ardelle Hunt (Ben's daughter who is no longer living)
Kyle
Jack Drummond
Thanks to all of you. Time moves on I guess. Seven years later....things are getting smaller again. I now have this little table 2 feet by 2 feet on which I still have to create something that I would like to save.
On another scrap of paper I found the following quotation:
" Just like a potter sees the possibility of a pot in clay.....so does a master see the possibility of endless joy in a student"
--Maharaji
Also this evening in the pile of tiny pieces of paper I found:
RULES FOR BEING HUMAN
1. You will receive a body. You will like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the
opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The 'failed' experiments are
as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately 'works'.
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you
have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons
to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will,
again, look better than "here".
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you
something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to
you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
--Anonymous
Good Food
Another great dinner. Roast beef from the other day. Green beans with butter and nutmeg. The last half of a potato left from the other day along with two tiny carrots and an onion. And the gravy I made that turned out perfectly.
Sounds a little indulgent. I am trying to 'treat myself nicely" as they say...but in reality this is just 'feeding the addiction'. I guess it is how you look at it.
I am trying to keep on my walks. There was none this morning because of the parade...and then I had to try to see how I could get the computer out of storage unit so that I can put it up for sale. I will have to get someone to help me with that. There are other things in there that have to be sorted...(and pretty soon too)....and need to be sold. I am not sure how to approach this. I do not want to lose on the deal as I often do. I want to get a fair price. I am not a very good salesperson. I am always swayed by anyone who wants something of mine well enough. Eg. I remember those landscape ties I had sitting in the back yard. I had already put a very low price on them because I thought that was fair. The guy was a 'contractor'....used to wheeling and dealing...flying around the ring road thinking about all the money he was going to make all day. He made upa cock and bull story and basically got them for even more off and left me with the 3 or 4 ones that were bent and not of much use. And later I saw them advertised..exactly the same...for four times what he got them for.
Here I am getting into past injustices that are only going to make me feel 'not good' so I will get off the topic. I am going to try to only discuss those things of which I can be appreciative. I guess that means, I do not think that such recounting of events in my life are to be appreciated unless they fit into a certain definition. And I don't want to restrict myself like that either.
Sounds a little indulgent. I am trying to 'treat myself nicely" as they say...but in reality this is just 'feeding the addiction'. I guess it is how you look at it.
I am trying to keep on my walks. There was none this morning because of the parade...and then I had to try to see how I could get the computer out of storage unit so that I can put it up for sale. I will have to get someone to help me with that. There are other things in there that have to be sorted...(and pretty soon too)....and need to be sold. I am not sure how to approach this. I do not want to lose on the deal as I often do. I want to get a fair price. I am not a very good salesperson. I am always swayed by anyone who wants something of mine well enough. Eg. I remember those landscape ties I had sitting in the back yard. I had already put a very low price on them because I thought that was fair. The guy was a 'contractor'....used to wheeling and dealing...flying around the ring road thinking about all the money he was going to make all day. He made upa cock and bull story and basically got them for even more off and left me with the 3 or 4 ones that were bent and not of much use. And later I saw them advertised..exactly the same...for four times what he got them for.
Here I am getting into past injustices that are only going to make me feel 'not good' so I will get off the topic. I am going to try to only discuss those things of which I can be appreciative. I guess that means, I do not think that such recounting of events in my life are to be appreciated unless they fit into a certain definition. And I don't want to restrict myself like that either.
I just got home from the Neil Squire computer help afternoon. I am very grateful to have been 'walked through' making a blog. Only now comes the test. I have to see if I can do it unassisted. I believe what happened in the last hour is an example of what happens to me on a social level all the time. I felt really left out. At the end...no body seemed to be 'looking at me' which made me think that they were not talking to me or including me....or that I must have said something wrong and they were insulted.
I am reminded of the comments made by some of the women in the book "Women from Another Planet:Our Lives in the Universe of Autism"...when they say how NT's signal each other with their eyes all the time...and so how so much is said that is not said. I feel like I have been shaken about like a little terrier had me by the neck and was shaking me to bits. It is that whole political thing again....like when Elaine Graham said one time about Don Graham...how he was a 'political pit-bull'...and I remember letting out a yelp and cry when it was turned on me.
One has to be careful of these things.
I am reminded of the comments made by some of the women in the book "Women from Another Planet:Our Lives in the Universe of Autism"...when they say how NT's signal each other with their eyes all the time...and so how so much is said that is not said. I feel like I have been shaken about like a little terrier had me by the neck and was shaking me to bits. It is that whole political thing again....like when Elaine Graham said one time about Don Graham...how he was a 'political pit-bull'...and I remember letting out a yelp and cry when it was turned on me.
One has to be careful of these things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)