Supposed to be..."news from the heart"

I feel very embarassed also about my posts. That 'news from the heart' should be happy and joyous and uplifted. Mostly I am feeling very dry and thirsty. Somewhat impatient.

...and very very hot (with this weather).

Another Hot Day

I have just finished making some Punjabi Chicken from the chicken thighs I stumbled upon for under 5.00. I will let it reduce for a while and maybe have some in a couple of hours.

We are into the latter part of the third week of rediculously hot weather. It has hovered around the 35 degree celsius mark although today it went down to 25 degrees...for one day only...and 25 degrees is plenty hot for me. When they say cooler, I am thinking more like 17 degrees...so we can have some relief.

Earlier on (two weeks ago) I just tried to work through the heat and basically ignore it. That was when I was hauling a lot of stuff from the storage unit..whatever I could fit in the car, since Jim is not very forthcoming with any help. It is unfortunate that he has to be so abusive. He still owes me 200.00 for the truck, when I gave it to him for half what it should have been. And all the others. My son. My brother. The people in this new place.

I am very depressed. I have been just going through the motions today. And then they even called to have me change days...like I just an owned by them. Basically it is just the same old back-door thing that Jim pulled. The dog training behavior. They are all really ignorant. They treat me like a dog. Many of them, the men mostly, figure I should only be 'rewarded' for doing what they figure I should be doing.

And, therefore, that must be totally arbitrary wouldn't you think.

Early Morning

It is 5:30am. I have actually been up since 4:30am. So that I can be at work for 6:00am.

I am not used to writing here any more. I wanted to say something though. Mostly I feel that I have been awake all night. I hope I can get through the day.

I am feeling very alone today. I can't understand why people are acting to me the way they do. I had no idea life would just get worse and worse. I have no one...not even my beloved Henry. I miss that doggie so much. I just pray that they did not kill him...that he has a good home and someone who loves him. I don't understand these people and their thinking.

I could go on and on about the injustices. I won't. I just don't understand why people behave as they do.

Saving the Day

I spent much of the day writing in my journal and not here. In fact, I have not written here for many months. I have also of late been considering starting a blog on My Space....but now that I am here, in Blogger, I need to say a few words I guess.

It has been a good day today. In spite of my frustrations. I have been plodding on, spurred on today especially by the possibility of a dinner guest...but they declined in the end. As did my other invitation for later in the week. And my son was no where to be seen at any baseball game. In fact, no games appeared to be happening today. Very strange. Maybe because of the heat and humidity...another 37 degrees today.

But I ended up at the hospital and ended up giving a person a ride home from the hospital. I gave someone else a dinner for tomorrow...spaghetti sauce that I made this morning with broccoli and carrots jullienne. I made a good dinner for myself and whoever wanted to share or not. I cleaned up the house. I did a lot of cleaning and sorting today. And four loads of laundry.

So in spite of not having a dinner guest tonight, it was a good day. In spite of my being so angry much of the day and having to 'write it down' to get it out, it was a good day. After finally after practicing for about half an hour around the noon hour...things turned around.

That is when the day got saved. I can feel happy with today. Perhaps I will try to continue to do some posts here.

The Conference

Well...it has been a long time since I wrote anything here...over a month it looks like. So so much has been happening. So so many hopes for the future churning in me right now. So many hopes.

I just wanted to record a few notes though...about the conference since I question if it was a good idea to go there. Sometimes I feel so exposed.

But I just wanted to say a big hello to Mike if you decide to check out this blog from the card I gave you. That will be a lot to ask with your busy schedule but just to say that all the comments I heard were about how much they had learned. Your talk was so informative. Thanks again. Hope you had a good flight back.

Courting Clarity

On reading over some of the things I have written over the last couple of posts, I see why I decided to not-write anything for so many weeks. Still too many concerns. Too many worries. Too much uncertainty. So... too much going through my brain.

And still too many of the 'issues' and barriers to overcome. People with their noses into my business. People with their own fears (for whatever reasons, and that is another 'issue') using whatever means they have at their disposal to interfere in my life. That I find very hard to cope with. Those behaviors really set my adrenal glands and brain into high gear. Not fair to me for sure. Very disrespectful of MY needs and requirements. Very worrisome is the reason anyone would do that.

So I am 'courting clarity'. That is a topic Prem Rawat talks about a lot. And that is what I am hoping to accomplish since it is something for which to be grateful.

Poisoning the Well

This is the name of a facet of 'logic' that refers to those people (or certain arguments in logic) who would destroy a person's chances of success (in any interaction or event) by lying or implying a lie, before that person has a chance to present their own case or before that person meets another and has the chance for a clean, fresh, honest first impression. And we all know how important 'foist impressions' are for most block heads.

So anyway this is just part of a total rant I WANTED to get into this morning and have wanted to 'express' for quite some time now. There are many many 'issues' that are still unresolved as far as I am concerned. Just because I have not been 'discussing' them, with anyone personally or here in print, does not mean they have gone away for me. I did write down the topics this morning at work in the moment of clarity that I was TOTALLY grateful for. I always have to do that as there are so many many 'topic' that assail me in a day. And when there are things unresolved it just clogs up the works.

AND......because I got zero sleep last night, because of a certain person's energy being directed in my direction last night...then...well lets just say it was a day 'to get through'...and just.

I am so, so pissed off at these people who are 'monitoring' my phone. I am so, so pissed off at all these fuckers who think they are 'do-gooders' who are interferring in my life. Mostly when I think of this latter statement I am referring to a potential new 'friendship' that has been scuttled totally because all of the fucks at work are at the back door, got their nose in my business and think I should be happy about it. It reminds me of something Jim told me when we first 'hooked up' as that perverted saying goes. He said if you are 'in the pool, everyone can see you'. 'If you are not, they can't'. 'Which pool?' would be my question. But someone made a reference to this new person...to me...and so I now know they have asked her about me and know I talked to her and so are interferring in my life. As usual. All done in the name of 'doing good' mind you. Or maybe not. Either way they are making me puke.

And the sad part is, they are all blind...being at the back door. The one tiny moment of TRUTH came when one of the people from this building asked me about my car and where I have moved it and why it was there. She approved. And I knew why she approved. And I appreciate her for knowing that.

And all this crap, which I may or may not get into here...( and possibly won't)...has only been put on hold because there is one thing that Prem Rawat (Maharjai) said that is the only saving grace in all of this...otherwise I would be blasting everyone. He said: Don't do anything to hurt propogation. And so I am trying my hardest not to get angry at all these people. I am trying to have faith in the outcome even though I'm being 'played' and lied to...even though I am being denegraded and bullied...even though I am being made fun of and 'mean girled'. I will try not to respond.

All because I want my teacher and the shower of that place in side of me to not be embarrassed of me. Not that he knows about me since I am only one in millions. But I know how much he wants as many people as are interested to know about what he has to offer. And so I do not want to 'hurt' that possiblity.

So it is only for that reason. And I try to remember that on a daily basis. And I am grateful also for this option. And I am grateful for the memory of this moment of TRUTH...since even though it was only a moment...it was a moment of clarity and makes all the other crap that I had to wade through...well...it puts it in perspective doesn't it.

After all. It is the only thing that is of any importance. So all you asses who think you can 'find out' some little tidbit of nothing from my conversations or feel you know me from my interactions...you are only reflecting your own FEARS AND IGNORANCE.

I hope you enjoy all your listening devices and other moronic 'toys'. Personally I like the conduit that leads to life, understanding and true love, (as opposed to cartoon illusion and back-door bull).

The Blog Police and The Blog Spoilers

Interesting discovery and commiserative comments. See page FW5. Saturday, Feb. 4, 07 of the National Post.

Also this afternoon on the Gill show there was someone talking about 'Mommy Blogs'...seems the mommy blogs happened just like my own blogs...early in the morning, or other times...but also the same recent comments about the blogs has appeared.

Interesting.

Scoring One for the Other Side

When I was little I used to long to be on a team. I could see that all the other little boys and girls were having a wonderful time playing together, being accepted...having what was called FUN.

I realize now, part of the problem was an inability to understand the absolutely needed skills of 'reading the other player'...in actuality the players on your own team as well as the opposing players. And this has to occur on a moment to moment basis.

It is also now acknowledged in the relevant literature, that people with autistic spectrum disorders are very poor at playing 'ball games', being clumsy, lacking in physical co-ordination, and having trouble knowing where their own bodies are in space. This is a skill absolutely necessary in judging where to be in right field, say, or how to position yourself to catch that pass of the puck.

This 'body lack', which actually originates in the brain, was totally brought home to me three years ago when it was suggested to me that I take Henry, my sweet baby dog, to dog training and flyball instruction. I discovered how difficult it was for me to run and throw the ball at the same time. My head would spin and it was a huge effort just to throw the ball. Some judgemental and ignorant people on the side lines probably put it down to being over weight. I knew it had to be more than that. And it was an interesting 'discovery', when I began exploring that topic.

The reason I am giving you this information is not only for your own 'education', but to demonstrate how vulnerable I am to so-called 'game playing'...athletic types who are used to 'scoring' points in competition, or in this case appearing to win by making the opposing player 'foul'...in other words 'getting back' at a person for perceived 'offences'. In the situation I was in, I was totally 'deeked'. And I am very angry about it.

Because playing ball games involves way more than being able to throw the ball. It involves strategies. And that involves the forementioned 'reading of the opponent'. I am totally incapable of strategies or 'reading'. I was lied to and set up. But then what's new? That is a passive aggressive stance anyway. Thinking you have won by sabotaging the other player. Building yourself up, by putting the other person down. Done 'nicely' of course.

I do not know a lot about sports. I know something, but not a lot. I was always grateful to be surrounded by athletic males from whom I could vicariously enjoy their successes. One sport of which I knew more than most was Tennis. It is also the only sport where one can actually 'score' a point, not through your own efforts, but through the other player 'making a mistake'.

The incident the other day has reminded me of the three times in my life where I was involved in 'sports' directly. The first memory was when I was about five or six years old. I was finally 'allowed' to play with the other kids because they were so short for a team. I had the puck. I made a run down the ice. Everyone was hollering. I thought they were cheering. I wacked my stick on the puck as hard as I could. The puck went in the net. I was victorious. I was ecstatic. I had scored. When 'my friends' finally got through to me, through my mis-conception of joy, I was told "I had scored for the wrong team". I had put the puck in my own net.

Of course, I was mortified. I slunk off the ice. Humiliated. Crying. My mother didn't understand the situation when I went home to tell her.

A few years later, in the early years at primary school, I longed again to 'be part of the crowd'. All the other kids seemed to be playing baseball. But it was the same as it had always been. Nobody wanted to pick me for a team. And if we were lined up to be picked, I was always picked last...the 'booby prize' for the unfortunately group of players. Still...I begged and begged my parents to get me a baseball glove. Finally, in grade five, (grade five yet, probably 5 years after all the other kids had gloves), my dad, because of his sweet heart, finally managed to secretly go with me to a sports store to look at baseball gloves. I say secretly because, first of all my mother didn't want to spent money on someone with no ability and secondly probalbly thought baseball was a waste of time. (And this was after knowing that my dad had spent so much of his young adult hood coaching kids in sports). But then we ran into another problem. I was left handed. They did not make very many left-handed gloves at that time. And the odd one that was made was way more money than the regular ones. Not like today where cheap 'anything' is shipped over from China for nothing.

The man in the sports store had one left-handed glove. And I knew nothing of the 'correct glove' that was needed. It was a flat, stiff thing. BUT IT WAS A GLOVE, BY GOLLY. Not like today, where someone would step in and tell you to put a small ball inside it, tie it up and put it under your pillow so that you could create a pocket, for catching. No. Nothing like that. All I remember about my tiny experience with baseball and the glove was being at the school I went to...and my dad was there trying to overcome all odds and 'support' me...and I was up to bat. I struck out. I was the third player to be struck out. I remember looking at my dad...and how he was torn between wanting to support me and being mortified. I was sent to the outfield. The second player up hit a massive fly ball right towards me. I didn't even have to move. I just had to put my glove up and it would come to my glove. I waited for the ball to come...terrified it would hurt. The ball hit my glove. The glove was flat. The ball bounced out. My only opportunity to be a 'hero' evaporated.

Later I stayed in my room and stared at the glove, for hours. I don't remember playing baseball again. I only remember that I was an embarrassment and a failure. And totally bewildered as to why that was the case.

The other incident that I will always remember and is one of the most enjoyable memories of my life...is when my son was about in grade two. He was athletic, right from the start. And very good at many sports. Mostly he didn't want to play with his mom...too embarrassing no doubt. But one afternoon we played catch in the back yard. The neighbour kid and family were out. They were also very good at sports. They approved. We must have tossed the ball back and forth for two hours or more. I was totally blissed out. He showed me all the good pitches. He could pitch well even at that age.

Why am I talking about these incidents in relation to this more recent incident? One recounting is very personal. The other one more philosophical. I do tend to compress many things all together sometimes...and try to relate their common themes.

I guess mostly what this all comes down to is always the same thing: I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE INNER GAME OF TENNIS...the one Prem Rawat has shown me. The one I can play with myself...my true self. The game that is fulfillment and satisfaction. All other games are shallow and false...and offer me no real enjoyment.

Wed. Feb. 7
I have come to think again about the whole topic of the tennis match. Match Point. (I believe that was a movie I saw this summer, come to think of it. A very good movie. Perhaps a Woody Allen movie). Tennis is always a good metaphor anyway.

I am trying to get over my resentment since that is counterproductive to feeling the inner game.

I feel bad too, that because of that incident, I was not able to 'take in' some possible compliments about my behavior this morning. I was determined just to stay away from all of them. I know this is not a good way to respond to anything. But I hardly care any more. I am attacked from all sides. And I do mean from all sides. There are too many 'groups' interested in my so-called activities. And from many different arenas.

And for what reason I must ask. That I do not understand.

Orchid in a Junk Pile

Today I saw what can only be called a 'poetic moment'. Amongst the piles of consumable goods, scattered and heaped about in the storage area, resting on a chair, rose this real flower...an actual orchid...at the top of a leaf-less stem. Why there were no leaves and how a flower could actually bloom on a stalk where all the leaves had dropped off, is somewhat of a miracle. A very interesting sight at any rate.

It's a little like the lotus in the muddy pond.

I Really Don't Understand

Over the last few weeks, there have been a number of 'conversations' or 'interactions' with people which make absolutely no sense to me. I have tried to understand where they are coming from. I have tried to extrapolate from other incidents or other people's comments as a way to figure out why they are reacting as they are.

I am no further ahead. It is as if I have done 'something wrong'. But what, I don't know. I may have said something wrong...or done something incorrectly. I really don't know. A social faux pas.

It is all a mystery to me...why people are having these reactions.

Pride and Prejudice

Not sure where this title came from. Sometimes I am just running ad hoc. Actually wasn't going to do any posting till the air cleared. Got lost in a white-out outside of Davidson the other day coming back from seeing my Mom. There was another one today apparently east of us here....on the news anyway.

I have been very very tired all week. This morning I had to work, but only untill 11am. But then I seemed to need some rest until almost supper time. Then I had to get some socks for my Mom...they said she could use some. It is very cold out right now...but I don't want to complain because we need some cold. This winter has been the warmest that I can ever remember.

I would like to show "An Inconvenient Truth" here, in my building, to anyone who wants to come and see it. I have been trying to get up some courage.

I am also trying just to dwell on the 'positive'. What most people know as 'the little while lies'. So that leaves out a lot that cannot be talked about. I usually look at most things very neutrally, and really try to go beyond 'the good and the bad'...'the right and the wrong'....as much as I am humanly able.

Actually I think the title came from the idea expressed in the "Boundin' " movie from Pixar. They express the idea of being "proud" of oneself...even if someone takes everything you have away... like the sheep in the animation. My next thought always is when one mentions "pride" is: be careful. "Pride cometh before the fall"...(from the Bible I think). I do not usually feel the emotion "pride". I only used that word in one of my posts because of its mention in this animation. Usually I am too cautious to feel pride. Satisfaction, yes! If anything, that is what I can feel; satisfaction. At doing my best...whatever it is.

Knowledge is My Strength

I am very proud of myself for not responding to this rediculous harrassment. This game-playing that these NT's do. (Neurotypicals...remember?). I am giving my annoyance away I can see. That is ONE SIDE OF MY STORY. The OTHER SIDE OF MY STORY...is that on one level I am glad they are 'so interested'...even if that 'interest' is really only for their own benefits. They really have no interest in me in any deep way. Only for themselves, as charitible individuals...and anyone who knows about ancient spirituality will know that "chanting, fasting, charity, austerity....will never bring you knowledge of the soul".

But I give you "A' for effort.

Do you think you could find another way of trying to 'communicate' the same thing...that being your 'interest' in me...if it is so sincere and really for my benefit?

I am a Virtual Prisoner

The other name I could give this is "Regina Confidential".

My!!! Doesn't that sound familiar.

With all the various game players and all the various listening devices and all the various GPS's and various innocuous 'scripts'....(I was going to say something but I won't)...

...I will only say that THANK GOODNESS I HAVE KNOWLEDGE. They only wish...

Living Moment To Moment

It is such a blessing when one gets even the two or three hours as I have just had to slow down, collect myself, get 'off the merry-go-round', and REFLECT.....with the right help, and inner perspective, of course. I have gone from being totally exhausted and on the edge of getting very very sick to actually demonstrating (to myself at least)...that I am on the right track...spiritually as well as physically. By 'right track' I guess I mean: that I am capable of making the best choices for myself...being good to myself (as they say) and...that spiritually, all is not lost. This latter possiblity is very very important to me. And physically, today, I have gone from having a very compromised immune system...to being able to boost it enough to fight off whatever germs were poised to attack me this morning (or felt like they were) since I did not have one hour of sleep last night, and the previous night's sleep was also suspect. At such times one really is susceptible to 'coming down with something'.

The 'gathering' to discuss the weather, that I wanted to attend today, was not at all what I imagined it to be but, somehow, small comments from people have made me feel inspired and hopeful. Such reflections really do become so 'Knowledgable'. That was a very cute comment made by someone, and three hours later (when it registered), I feel inspired by it.

I am so happy that I have had the chance to 'study-up' on various components over the years that effect physical well-being. I have been able to come back to the information again and again and learn more each time. I have also taken it upon myself to have them available. Such things as the Oil of Oregano and the Golden Seal Root Powder Tea and some new ones which aids the mitrochondria.

And then throughout the day, because I was so busy and so drained of energy I had small quantities of Echinacea. One has to have the tincture (in alcohol) for any of the components to be used in the body adequately and I bet some people, if they were watching, thought I was doing something different. This last thought also came out in my 'reflections' since I remembered certain attitudes and comments at work...and on wondering why anyone would be doing that, had to conclude it was because of the echinacea.

I have also tried to offer some of these 'discoveries' to other people, for their own well-being, but such is often the case that most people would rather listen to the powerful drug companies sales pitches, than listen to their own bodies calling them to work with themselves. I have also offered these things to people on occasion but I have come to see that they would have to do the buying on their own and that I am certainly not in any position to offer too much financially, as much as my heart would like to do that.

So....I had some other 'posts' I wanted to make earlier...this morning for instance...but no time. I wanted to discuss the word 'ilk'...to look up its history if possible. This is another topic totally, I realize. There is a song that includes that word also: "On Ilkley Moor Bar T'at". My friend, Elaine, used to sing it. And so did my aunt. I have the words somewhere. Perhaps I will do a post of it.

A Human Being

If anyone was really interested in reading or listening to what I was saying, they could just go to my blog site...which is "News from the Heart"...rather than hacking through The Blogger. And if they were sincere about wanting to 'help'...or wanting to 'learn something about me'...or wanting to 'communicate...then that would be the process.

All of these people 'communicate' with 'each other' daily. They are all text-messaging each other, etc....anyway. There is no need to make me 'a science project'....a bug on display.

So this issue about what I said in a private, non-published, possible letter to a person who under 'normal' circumstances would know nothing about the said letter unless the same said letter was sent to that person, which is was not....is just a red herring.

The real issue here is an almost psychopathic need to control something, that needs absolutely no controlling. Or else the reason is ....to control ME..... and then that is bullying.

Communication is a two-way street.

Just because I am an open, transparent, somewhat flawed...regular HUMAN BEING, and because I love myself and have 'examined' my life for so many years, I forgt that many other people are shocked by such openness, because they have not done the same or are not able to do the same... for themselves.

I know, also, that sometimes being brutally honest is of no value and it is a flaw...People like the little white lies. Sometimes. That is what social politeness is all about.

I have not meant to offend anyone...even though it is obvious that I may have. I am just a human being. Just like you are just a human being.

A Spoil Sport or "Winning at Any Cost"

I don't want to say much here, except to say how disappointed I am.

I didn't need to be put in this position. I apologize to anyone who feels I have been 'personal'. I apologize for this outburst. (even though this was not an outburst because it was not for anyone's eyes or ears...except for me...to 'examine these thoughts'...for myself only. But these 'parked' thoughts were stolen from my computer. These thoughts and feelings ought to be open to only a few 'family' members...not the general public. This is what has always made this group very dangerous in my eyes.

I have been asked if I need help. Today also, someone 'took it upon themselves' to mention the topic of 'teeth'....knowing the reference would have to be.. to a letter that was private, non-published and hacked, and sent to no one but myself....to let off steam...privately. They wanted to commiserate. I would just say their intensions were good. Their asking though, confirmed what I have suspected just from everyone's general demeanor....no words were needed...(but I actually appreciated the 'confirmation').

My statements (in my private, non-published letter to myself alone), did not reflect a true on-going opinion....they also did not reflect anything that anyone else should be privy to...except me. They reflected a feeling of frustraton...only....momentary frustration at being VIOLATED...that is the true message of the non-published 'topics'....It is not as if this person has 'discovered' something about me that is really a reflection of my true feelings....instead of being an expression of A SENSE OF POWERLESSNESS...AND NEEDLESS POWERLESSNESS...brought on (read: manufactured) by this bizarre group.

I believe this goes under the heading of BULLIES....actually. And I beleive bullying is illegal is some parts...these days.

Albert Einstein

What I wanted to say this morning, before I was so rudely interupted by some 'hacker'...was that here are some people who have Asperger's....and yet look what they have done and discovered for the world... Einstein discovered:The Theory of Relativity....and Bill Gates has discovered the makings of the computer...both 'discoveries' have changed the face of the world...and our understanding of it.

So there you have it: two people, who have had the same brain issues as I have, but who have found really different ways of 'seeing the world'. Because they were able to 'see things in a different way' they were able to add to people's understanding of the world we live in. They allowed people, like myself, to be seen in a way that is more than one dimensional. The computer has opened up a new way of communicating for people like myself. Even with their disability of having a problem of communication with other people, and the barrier of people's perceptions, of them and of their ways of thinking, they were true to their own 'discoveries'.

Here is the quotation I was going to write this morning in my first post:

What does peace feel like?
"Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."--Albert Einstein

What does peace feel like?

Have you felt peace? Is peace simply the absence of war, or is there something more?

Is peace possible?

"Peace, joy and true happiness are not subject for thought. They can only be felt. There is a feeling behind being alive.
There are no explanations for it. it is the feeling that one has to get to--because that is where there is comfort, that is where there is joy, that is where there is satisfaction. It is in that feeling that we need to live our lives.
Somehow, we think that we need an explanation of what peace is, but peace cannot be explained; it can only be felt".
--Prem Rawat

For The Birds

Sometimes I feel like a 'little leaf' floating down the stream... twirling around and around...but still floating...moving...moving forward inspite of anything I can do about it.....moving... towards that ocean I suppose.

The 'meeting' tonight reminded me of the short film I downloaded: "For the Birds". Art imitating Life and visa versa. It is too bad I am having a lot of trouble 'following orders' these days. By that I mean also "going with the flow". I am hopeless. There was a warning that I was 'going the wrong way'...but of course I questioned whether it was my mind or not...and should I continue. But that was pretty much as I thought it might be. All those holier-then-thou crows...all the 'little peckers'...mean and rejecting....for the huge dodo bird that landed in their midst....pecking away at its talons...till it let go from the telegraph line they were all perched upon...but by then it was upside-down but only inches from earth....so it landed and turned right-side up....and walked away....unscathed. And they were all flung back into the statisphere in a cloud of feathers. It was a lesson in learning to trust myself. I had originally not intended to go, because if felt very 'exclusive' when I was told about it. But I got just enough out of the talk. A reminder. And a discussion of what I already know inside myself....so that was good. I always always need the reminders. I will tread softly. As softly as I am able.

I feel under so much stress...and staving off all the germs everywhere....I need to protect myself.. but it is an uphill battle with all these short-sighted and insensitive people everywhere you go...not thinking about how they are effecting others. Or caring probably. There are solutions to these 'issues'.

I am trying to treat myself so gently and with as much love as I can also muster...I am going to make some goldenseal tea and take some echinacea. No one ever listens to anything I have to say anyway. Too bad. I have much to offer. It is just that I am not that verbal...and definately 'not that verbal' when there is such huge ego and ego-energy involved. But my writing is not that bad, eh. For a pottery person....and visual, non-verbal person.

I love that movie that I downloaded. Thanks... to whoever made me aware of its availability. Very timely.

I've seen it before...but well done things are always worth seeing more than once.

Red Colours, Blue Colours, Black Colours

What I was going to say about all the colours of the rainbow....is that each has its 'charms'....doesn't it.

These are the colours of the Baquettes and Parisienne Loafs.....that have to be bagged and then put out in the baskets, etc.

It is the only area of bread that has come colour to it other than transparent....or paper brown.

It looks like they have purused everything and decided to 'take off'.....as they say.

On Display

I feel so on display these days....so self-conscious I guess that would mean. Something like the little lamb in 'Boundin'. Very nice animation.

I am angry though because of the feeling that is it MANUFACTURED. That is where the anger comes in and the feeling that I need to defend myself and retaliate. (This explanation if for the benefit of those in the 'group', by the way).

But it is more than that..."that" being (for those who need the reference because they don't have the experience).."that" being the feeling I have had my whole life when I am 'singled out' for attention....This self-consciousness is something I have felt my whole life. It is the opposite to what my mother enjoys because she learned at 11 years old that she could 'garner love and approval' by being 'on stage'...by being the centre of attention. And since most other things didn't make sense...why not 'imitate' something that you liked or that reinforced your sense of being worthwhile.

For me though, it has always brought huge feelings of embarrassement. And....it has always triggered that 'flight or fight' response....because...(and I want to get this right because I can't remember the reference myself, where I learned what I want to say here)....but I know it is something to do with the same areas of the brain being stimulated. Something comparative to the discovery, now, that sleep derivaton causes the brain to crave serotonin and so crave sweets.

Boy, I have been reading so much lately...it has become hard to keep everything straight. I have been reading about camcorders...what features to look for, what are not worth looking for . I have been reading about how to shoot movies...basic movie making. I have been reading about the essential sugars...now there is a topic from left field!!!! But a very very important topic I feel. I have totally embraced it as something also essential for humans to know about. From a total non-believer I have become a total true believer. How about that. And I have been reading about how to make a podcast...actually Apple has made a mini-teaching session on their website...and it looks totally easy. So basically I was reading about how to used GarageBand to make music.

So why would I mention all this here. Well...many memories have been triggered....about various people's comments to me (a lot of people I don't know but who think they have the right to say things to me), ...memories mixed in with reflections of these past events....and now, putting them into present perspectives.

It makes me feel so powerless because I am at a total disadvantage, being unable to read most people's REAL intentions.

I know that is what they want...for me to give up...that is what my brother wants....but his intentions are not honourable...or they would be out in the open...just like all the other people who are hiding behind their 'social masks'.

They want a DRAMA...not something real, inside.

I have learned though, on one level, one can never give up though....and that is to my detrement if my brother continues in his actions..and so there they are handing me the small short film "Boundin" which I totally enjoyed....and that is another Catch 22...that will always arise between my brother and myself...(oh god , I have discovered it again..for the millionth time)....because he wants to 'win'....not having the heart-sense to know that a win-win...is the only 'win'.

I have just jumped to about three topics at once in the above paragraph....so maybe this will have to be revised. I was also thinking about a person asking me if I had ever seen a 'jackolope'...(this happened quite a while ago)..which of course, don't exist...but was thinking of it as an example of how EXPOSED AND EXPLOITED I feel but angry at these people because , in their egos, and lack of Knowledge..they think it is ALL ABOUT THEM. The result (my understanding)..(my own understanding by the way).. is not about them at all....they are only the vehicle. That is where I always get upset. They think they 'know' when they 'know nothing real'....they think they have the answers...when it is me who has the answer....for them.

But the other part of this issue is my own part...and one can only deal with ones own part...so I will have to reflect on that some more.

Bullies, NT's and The Breath

Yesterday was a 'very interesting day' at work. I had dreaded it's coming because it was the third day in a row of having to be there for 8 or 9 hours (minus the one you have to take for lunch which is 'not paid'...of course). So, in effect, three days out of my precious life were taken up by dubious activities. I was worried that it would be too much to handle physically....(never mind the ensuing emotional burden of attempting to fit into a place that is based on concepts of the body, and so much ignorance). They try though..and that makes a difference to me...but really, in my innocent Asperger mind I must realize why that is. For their own benefit only. I must try to remember that. If I was of no use to them, or they did not think I was of the same ilk...(which maybe I am, who knows at this point)..then they would have no interaction with me. None of them have attempted to interact with me 'outside' of work, even though I see that many of them 'interact' ouside of work much of the time. Most of them of course have 'relationships'....'spouses'...so what would I expect really. Their exclusion of me really hurts though, since they do 'interact' with each other at other times than when they are with their respective 'relationships'...so that is not a valid excuse...only indicating a preference.

So I should ask myself..what is the benefit to me...this extremely strenuous job which offers nothing back.

I have begun to not like going to work....even when a wonderful experience of Knowledge helps me get through it. Most of those block-heads probably think it is because of some warped enjoyment of the job. Since I do act like I am enjoying the job.

Yesterday, upon arrival at 6am...already there was interference with my 'concentration'. And at 7am, when the others showed up, they had a 'communication' about the weather.....our area of the country having just experienced the 'worst blizzard since 1955'...although we, here in this city, were pretty much on the edge and did not get the brunt of it. But the 'order' (of food) was cancelled because no trucks could get through.

But what was funny to me....was the INNANE conversation...about nothing...as they all stared at each other...and then I started to laugh because I realized it was that NT thing (Neurotypicals for those who have forgotten or didn't get the reference from previously posted references). Most of the communication (90%) was non-verbal. So of course, as usual, they were saying things that I could not pick up on. It was very important to them though. Strategies were being devised.

Strategy being something that seems to be beyond me.

Lost in Toon Town vs. The Solitary Traveler

Me, of all people, would never have thought that this would have happened.....that I am lost in an illusion of such magnitude. It is a phenomena that I do not really understand yet. The phenomenum of being in Toon Town. That much I will concede. The existence of this place only became visible to me when I got so 'into' my boyfriend....to see things from his point of view. In fact, I believe at other times, I have mentioned previously, I have felt that my life had been 'appropriated' by him. This last statement was actually born out by things said by various people whom I have known. This is a 'tactic' of certain people. I am not quick on my feet like he is. I always have to put 3 and 4 together....not being able to actually decifer things as we go along....at least not to see things as most people see 'things'.

But all of this preamble is to say that: All of this makes me very very happy that I have received Knowledge and know "who I am".....that I have some OTHER PLACE to go, inside myself, when all this balony is happening.

I know this sounds very 'snooty'. I am not sure if I will post this. It is just that the illusion of 'reality' that obviously so many people live in day-in and day-out....is not of my experience. Not to this degree anyway.

I have basically just been an observer. Actually. I find it quite 'interesting'. Since most of them have their hearts closed. If they know where their hearts are. At least to me their hearts seem closed. They are looking for some\thing I do not have to give. Bright eyes and bushy tails perhaps. Mostly I feel it is better to PLAY SAFE.....and stay being with something that I know is real and also real-i-able.

I think this last sentence was a small Asperger's pun....not sure where it came from.

7:45pm
I have just finished listening to the new PeaceFlix DVD that came in the mail yesterday. One talk was called The Solitary Traveler. How wonderful. It was Prem Rawat in Brighton, UK. Even the disc looked beautiful to me.....half green, half blue....just like the tie he was wearing in the last Keys talk I listened to.

I am always amazed at how 'current' the talks are....to my own life. And yet 'nothing new' as he said...just 'about you'.

Memories of Food Influences

I just came across a list of people from whom I have received influences about foods that I now use and like. Things I have learned, recipes, etc. I was intending to post them on my blog over the holiday....before the holiday.....when I was in a more philial mood....

Emma Oberdorfer: Zucchini, tomato, onion, dill, garlic medley.
Jim Middleton: Roasted red peppers.
Helen Marzolf: De-husking of the broccoli stalk
Mom: Beef Stew
Emily Katcher: Channa Dahl
Marnie McDiarmid: Bean Salad
Karen Weingeist: Hemp Hearts on Oatmeal

....for what its worth.

Windows of the Heart/Thoughts of My Cousins

These are some of my favourite photos.

I so enjoyed seeing my cousins who were very kind to me.

(And to my cousins...I hope you are looking at this blog). I have an idea which I will talk to you about.

Time for Some Photos

I feel it is time for some 'visuals'. This photo is of my old Crab Apple Tree at my recently vacated house. It was from a winter shot from about 2004.

Found Again

The title of this post is a reference to Mick's song from "Gold Rays".

The last few days have been a total change-a-round....thank goodness. A very long day at work on Wednesday that went 'swimmingly'. Very smooth. As far as feeling in tune. (And if it was perfect, people were kind enough not to point out any errors until near the end of the shift, so I didn't get thrown off).

This morning I have found a wonderful new website/blog....with tonnes of information about Knowledge and recent events. I always like the comments by people who have Knowledge and enjoy seeing and hearing what they have to say. I also looked at the small videos from Amaroo. (Sure they are dated now, since the event was in September, but just as wonderful to watch).

So many talented people on that blog.

And so many surprises from Maharaji it looks like...drop-in visits, etc.

Happy New Year

NOT.

A nice dinner....pot luck. The building had a New Year's Eve Pot Luck Dinner...It was nice. Better than nothing for sure. And then I played some cards. And invitation!.

The last time I had what is considered the 'correct' new years celebration in any way....was when Jim took me out to the Regina Inn....and it ended up being for him anyway. It turned out to be a good move for him, and to his benefit.

I enjoyed it as well, though. It was a real night out....a romantic night out. And it didn't cost much at all.

This year.....for the first day of 2007.....I have spent a very lazy day...did a bit of 'visiting' in spite of myself. What ever.

And today, this first day when people are up and about...I am doing the research on the Saccharides. The Eight Essential Sugars. This is info I have learned from someone here. It seems to be important.

Common Themes

There seems to be some commonality of 'themes' between parents and children of the parents in this building. Sad to say. It confirms observations I have had over the years about the 'orientations'.... (don't like to use that word as it would be misinterpreted). I really don't get it. I put 80 percent of the fault on the younger generation...the lack of compassion...the holding of grudges....the arrogance really. Since when they become older they will realize the COMMON THEME of being a HUMAN BEING as the primary binding quality between people. They will come to see they are just the same. They will make the same mistakes. They will not have learned anything differently than their parents. They will only have DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY than their parents. The outcomes will be the same. The learning will be the same.

So why not smarten up now....is how I see it. I have spent most of my adult life trying to strengthen the connection between my parents....so much was by trial and error. This is the first holiday season that I have chosen to be alone....and not because of anything my parents have done....or not done.

Many of these "relatives" are caught in their own concepts....just like I used to be when I was younger. (That is not to say that I will not continue to have different things to overcome in terms of concepts. But I accept that as a given...consciously).

I wonder if the interactons between generations that seem to be prevelent in this building hold true for other groups of people.Perhaps not, since these perceptions seem to be of what the 'dramas' consist. Many people don't seem to want to know about another reality....of kindness, contentment, understanding.....of people recognizing in each other their own selves as HUMAN BEINGS.

These observations go back to my earliest observations about this group...I used to have a list on the fridge that I noticed exemplified many attitudes I observed...mostly the men....the 'D' list....denegrade, deny, defy, deminish, dismiss, etc. And this was all before I learned I had any direct connection to this phenomenum.

This ATTITUDE is all such a waste. I guess these comments refer to that old observation (was it Mark Twain?): "Youth is Wasted on the Young".