On Display

I feel so on display these days....so self-conscious I guess that would mean. Something like the little lamb in 'Boundin'. Very nice animation.

I am angry though because of the feeling that is it MANUFACTURED. That is where the anger comes in and the feeling that I need to defend myself and retaliate. (This explanation if for the benefit of those in the 'group', by the way).

But it is more than that..."that" being (for those who need the reference because they don't have the experience).."that" being the feeling I have had my whole life when I am 'singled out' for attention....This self-consciousness is something I have felt my whole life. It is the opposite to what my mother enjoys because she learned at 11 years old that she could 'garner love and approval' by being 'on stage'...by being the centre of attention. And since most other things didn't make sense...why not 'imitate' something that you liked or that reinforced your sense of being worthwhile.

For me though, it has always brought huge feelings of embarrassement. And....it has always triggered that 'flight or fight' response....because...(and I want to get this right because I can't remember the reference myself, where I learned what I want to say here)....but I know it is something to do with the same areas of the brain being stimulated. Something comparative to the discovery, now, that sleep derivaton causes the brain to crave serotonin and so crave sweets.

Boy, I have been reading so much lately...it has become hard to keep everything straight. I have been reading about camcorders...what features to look for, what are not worth looking for . I have been reading about how to shoot movies...basic movie making. I have been reading about the essential sugars...now there is a topic from left field!!!! But a very very important topic I feel. I have totally embraced it as something also essential for humans to know about. From a total non-believer I have become a total true believer. How about that. And I have been reading about how to make a podcast...actually Apple has made a mini-teaching session on their website...and it looks totally easy. So basically I was reading about how to used GarageBand to make music.

So why would I mention all this here. Well...many memories have been triggered....about various people's comments to me (a lot of people I don't know but who think they have the right to say things to me), ...memories mixed in with reflections of these past events....and now, putting them into present perspectives.

It makes me feel so powerless because I am at a total disadvantage, being unable to read most people's REAL intentions.

I know that is what they want...for me to give up...that is what my brother wants....but his intentions are not honourable...or they would be out in the open...just like all the other people who are hiding behind their 'social masks'.

They want a DRAMA...not something real, inside.

I have learned though, on one level, one can never give up though....and that is to my detrement if my brother continues in his actions..and so there they are handing me the small short film "Boundin" which I totally enjoyed....and that is another Catch 22...that will always arise between my brother and myself...(oh god , I have discovered it again..for the millionth time)....because he wants to 'win'....not having the heart-sense to know that a win-win...is the only 'win'.

I have just jumped to about three topics at once in the above paragraph....so maybe this will have to be revised. I was also thinking about a person asking me if I had ever seen a 'jackolope'...(this happened quite a while ago)..which of course, don't exist...but was thinking of it as an example of how EXPOSED AND EXPLOITED I feel but angry at these people because , in their egos, and lack of Knowledge..they think it is ALL ABOUT THEM. The result (my understanding)..(my own understanding by the way).. is not about them at all....they are only the vehicle. That is where I always get upset. They think they 'know' when they 'know nothing real'....they think they have the answers...when it is me who has the answer....for them.

But the other part of this issue is my own part...and one can only deal with ones own part...so I will have to reflect on that some more.