8:40pm
A very busy day today. Just back from my fiddle lesson. I have been up and very very active since 4:30am this morning. Work was very busy today.
I cried again today thinking of Henry. I looked at this picture and thought about how wonderful it would be to hold him again and touch his lovely fur....and see so much love and trust.
More than I deserved for sure.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Food for Thought
6:00pm
I have not made it to do my errands yet today and maybe that will not happen now. I was called into work this morning just as I was getting into blogging and stuff. That is ok. But it did not 'feel' like my day to be at work. I felt like I was out of step and in someone elses 'time'. I don't exactly know what that means.
And.....I promised myself that I was not going to 'blab' about things. I was only going to describe tiny small things of large consequence....small moments of peace, perhaps.
Someone came to my door just as I got back from my stint, yesterday that was actually. They gave me some vegetables that are a little worse for wear. I put them away carefully in the fridge and this morning set them beside the stove so that I would not forget that I was planning to 'do something' with them. Doing things with food is often a very enjoyable and compensatory activity.
So today was a good day to do that...I feel you are honouring a person when you 'do something' with their food. Either something they have made...or something they give to you. I learned that from Ben. Or perhaps I knew it before and was thrilled that he did that. Sometimes it makes for a lot of extra work. But it is basically a respectful thing to do.
I also got some red peppers, mushrooms I had frozen, some olives and part of the tomato that is left...and made two small pizzas....this is on top of the vegetable gifts.
Because the vegetables were actually not as described to me over the phone when offered and actually a little more worse for wear than I had expected, I have attempted some tomato sauce and a pot of borscht. They seem to be doing ok. I will let the borscht cool and run it though the blender I got this summer fo 2.00 at a garage sale near by.
If the sauce is good maybe I will give it back to the person as a demonstration of goodwill.
I have not made it to do my errands yet today and maybe that will not happen now. I was called into work this morning just as I was getting into blogging and stuff. That is ok. But it did not 'feel' like my day to be at work. I felt like I was out of step and in someone elses 'time'. I don't exactly know what that means.
And.....I promised myself that I was not going to 'blab' about things. I was only going to describe tiny small things of large consequence....small moments of peace, perhaps.
Someone came to my door just as I got back from my stint, yesterday that was actually. They gave me some vegetables that are a little worse for wear. I put them away carefully in the fridge and this morning set them beside the stove so that I would not forget that I was planning to 'do something' with them. Doing things with food is often a very enjoyable and compensatory activity.
So today was a good day to do that...I feel you are honouring a person when you 'do something' with their food. Either something they have made...or something they give to you. I learned that from Ben. Or perhaps I knew it before and was thrilled that he did that. Sometimes it makes for a lot of extra work. But it is basically a respectful thing to do.
I also got some red peppers, mushrooms I had frozen, some olives and part of the tomato that is left...and made two small pizzas....this is on top of the vegetable gifts.
Because the vegetables were actually not as described to me over the phone when offered and actually a little more worse for wear than I had expected, I have attempted some tomato sauce and a pot of borscht. They seem to be doing ok. I will let the borscht cool and run it though the blender I got this summer fo 2.00 at a garage sale near by.
If the sauce is good maybe I will give it back to the person as a demonstration of goodwill.
An Inconvenient Truth
Last night I took myself to the library to see the Al Gore film. It is truly very very imformative. He really has been able to explain most of the 'blocks' that are in the way of understanding the urgency of this issue. He is doing much 'greater' work than any presidency would have allowed...given the way politics are.
It is so worth seeing.
I am trying to copy the widget for the film from www.climatecrisis.net
This blogger site will not let me for some reason. (maybe because it is HTML..rather than RRS)
It is so worth seeing.
I am trying to copy the widget for the film from www.climatecrisis.net
This blogger site will not let me for some reason. (maybe because it is HTML..rather than RRS)
Friendliness, Friendship and Mirrored Images
I remember at work at the beginning how everyone was sooooo friendly to me. They went out of their way to WELCOME ME. For that I am very GRATEFUL although I have never had the chance to say that to anyone. I appreciated their attempts. Somewhere along the line though, things have gotten confused.
I beleive I have given the impression (to some perhaps), that I do not need any friendly gestures. Perhaps even in encouraging people to come here to read my blog...I see today that there is opportunity for mis-interpretation....in their understanding of some of the things that I have written. True, on those days, when I am experiencing that lovely feeling inside, it is possible to be totally happy by oneself. But that is not a rule. It would be great to be 'there' all the time...but I am a human being...I don't seem to have that skill or ability to turn it on or off at will. The experience is more like a god-given grace if anything.
So it is very very disappointing to me to observe how the atmosphere and responses to me are changing. Even criticism of my job performance (although I know mistakes can be made at any time and for me, it is not because of any attitude of negligence). I believe the change is directly because of the 'incongruence' mentioned in other areas of this blog.
I am disappointed in... myself.
I believe it is because of my brain function and brain deficit in my ablitiy to pick up on facial expression and mirror them back. Because I do notice that most people mirror others in their interactions and study other's expressions for impact and how they are being received. Because it is THIS group though, it is hard for part of me not to feel it is being done on purpose. I say this because a couple of weeks ago I feel they were still open to me and were at that point, playing a game. The game being that they were 'copying' me. I say this because of the way one person laughed when I tried to make a friendly gesture, as she went by ignoring me...copying just like I probably look like I appear to be ignoring them. And the 'friendly gesture' on my part was so inappropriate and out of order (given their action)...that they saw it as funny...which I guess it was.
The problem is that as time progresses and as acceptance changes and life goes on so to speak...we get to the point mentioned in the film "The Boy Inside" which was aired on CBC last week and over the weekend. The boy says 'he can make friends, he just can't keep them'. The boy has Asperger's. And that is where the problem arises...after you have gotten to know someone and they sort of like you and you like them...and then they want you to behave in a certain way...and that is where it is very difficult to 'mirror' their requirements.
Perhaps because the Asperger people just can't see it, and I think, perhaps because, for me for example, if I feel I have been done wrongly which I have felt I have by certain people there...I find it hard to shrug it off. I want to know that they acknowledge what they have done before I can move on. The person who did take advantage of me one day, did attemt to explain her 'ways' to me and I accepted her explanation...but I guess also at the time was a realization that she didn't really 'get it'. But still, mostly I appreciated the gesture.
All of this is analysis , after the fact, and totally uselss. I know that. For this I am a dork. But I am a dork anyway so what is there to lose.
The difference in people's reactions is quite important to me. It reminds me of when I worked for a private person about 30 years ago. She made me 'greet' people at the door. This was waaaaay before the corporate biggies had figured out this was a 'good thing' for their business. She did it for more personal reasons although she was a good business person also. The thing about it though, was that it changed my life. Suddenly people were very friendly to me. Suddenly people appeared to like me. Suddenly I felt part of something. Suddenly an emply hole was filled inside.
It didn't last forever....that feeling...but I will remember those incidents forever.
On another level, that brings to mind something else too. That perhaps that incident was a little gift... to me...from somewhere.
I beleive I have given the impression (to some perhaps), that I do not need any friendly gestures. Perhaps even in encouraging people to come here to read my blog...I see today that there is opportunity for mis-interpretation....in their understanding of some of the things that I have written. True, on those days, when I am experiencing that lovely feeling inside, it is possible to be totally happy by oneself. But that is not a rule. It would be great to be 'there' all the time...but I am a human being...I don't seem to have that skill or ability to turn it on or off at will. The experience is more like a god-given grace if anything.
So it is very very disappointing to me to observe how the atmosphere and responses to me are changing. Even criticism of my job performance (although I know mistakes can be made at any time and for me, it is not because of any attitude of negligence). I believe the change is directly because of the 'incongruence' mentioned in other areas of this blog.
I am disappointed in... myself.
I believe it is because of my brain function and brain deficit in my ablitiy to pick up on facial expression and mirror them back. Because I do notice that most people mirror others in their interactions and study other's expressions for impact and how they are being received. Because it is THIS group though, it is hard for part of me not to feel it is being done on purpose. I say this because a couple of weeks ago I feel they were still open to me and were at that point, playing a game. The game being that they were 'copying' me. I say this because of the way one person laughed when I tried to make a friendly gesture, as she went by ignoring me...copying just like I probably look like I appear to be ignoring them. And the 'friendly gesture' on my part was so inappropriate and out of order (given their action)...that they saw it as funny...which I guess it was.
The problem is that as time progresses and as acceptance changes and life goes on so to speak...we get to the point mentioned in the film "The Boy Inside" which was aired on CBC last week and over the weekend. The boy says 'he can make friends, he just can't keep them'. The boy has Asperger's. And that is where the problem arises...after you have gotten to know someone and they sort of like you and you like them...and then they want you to behave in a certain way...and that is where it is very difficult to 'mirror' their requirements.
Perhaps because the Asperger people just can't see it, and I think, perhaps because, for me for example, if I feel I have been done wrongly which I have felt I have by certain people there...I find it hard to shrug it off. I want to know that they acknowledge what they have done before I can move on. The person who did take advantage of me one day, did attemt to explain her 'ways' to me and I accepted her explanation...but I guess also at the time was a realization that she didn't really 'get it'. But still, mostly I appreciated the gesture.
All of this is analysis , after the fact, and totally uselss. I know that. For this I am a dork. But I am a dork anyway so what is there to lose.
The difference in people's reactions is quite important to me. It reminds me of when I worked for a private person about 30 years ago. She made me 'greet' people at the door. This was waaaaay before the corporate biggies had figured out this was a 'good thing' for their business. She did it for more personal reasons although she was a good business person also. The thing about it though, was that it changed my life. Suddenly people were very friendly to me. Suddenly people appeared to like me. Suddenly I felt part of something. Suddenly an emply hole was filled inside.
It didn't last forever....that feeling...but I will remember those incidents forever.
On another level, that brings to mind something else too. That perhaps that incident was a little gift... to me...from somewhere.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
The Bottom Line and The Colour Mauve
It is scary how these corporations rule the life of the lower classes. It is scary how they demand more and more out of the bodies of their employees....while returning very little and inadequate compensence for that labour. This period now, is like it was in the middle of the 19th century. Nothing has changed. I have thought this before, off and on, for many years,when I mull over things...long before I worked for a corporation of this size. It is not as if one can leave the exhaustion at the door when one leaves one's shift. It takes hours to recover.
Can you believe it but the corporaton's policy is to nigardly dole out ' designated amounts of time' to be used by the supervisors...who desperately have to scramble to compensate for the inadequte designation...to schedule any employees for work...They must not schedule more work for the employees than designated as needed by the corporation and the amount designated is only in relation to amount of product sold...
It is no wonder that the younger generation does not have the same 'work ethic' as the previous generation. It is no wonder that they do not have 'company loyalty' as I have seen it written about. It is no wonder they switch jobs as they see fit. Why should they do any of these things. What are these companies doing in return for this labour which allows only a very lowly living standard....while they reap profits...with which, who knows, what they do. Something loud and flashy now doubt. But nothing to aid the world in any real way in its sorry sorry state.
Even on a local level...never mind the incessant pollution to the earth....by the waste generated with all the crap produced...even on a local level...where a simple thing...like directling food items most poor people would never buy (deli things for instance) to people who are hungry for half of the month...even then...their policy is to throw out garbage cans full of useful food. All it would take is a little organization. But then that would be money spent on something other than profit, wouldn't it. Better to come up with a lame excuse about food poisoning or something along that line.
All this reminds me of the book "Mauve"...which I got out of the library a few years ago and which is a most interesting and informative book. It is about how the colour mauve came into being in the middle of the 19th century...amidst the chemical fiascos and experimentation and river pollution and death and sickness of workers. A lot of it was because of the ignorance or man and the consequences of greed.....just like now. All those names from that century...(well not all of them, but many)...who made themselves very rich by inventing something, or creating a process...and all on the backs of the poor.
This latter phrase has become a cliche unfortunately. Even though it is an appropriate picture that is painted by the words.
When you read the book you become so aware that in 200 years nothing has changed. It is frightening. Only the players and the details have changed. The consciousness...no.
Can you believe it but the corporaton's policy is to nigardly dole out ' designated amounts of time' to be used by the supervisors...who desperately have to scramble to compensate for the inadequte designation...to schedule any employees for work...They must not schedule more work for the employees than designated as needed by the corporation and the amount designated is only in relation to amount of product sold...
It is no wonder that the younger generation does not have the same 'work ethic' as the previous generation. It is no wonder that they do not have 'company loyalty' as I have seen it written about. It is no wonder they switch jobs as they see fit. Why should they do any of these things. What are these companies doing in return for this labour which allows only a very lowly living standard....while they reap profits...with which, who knows, what they do. Something loud and flashy now doubt. But nothing to aid the world in any real way in its sorry sorry state.
Even on a local level...never mind the incessant pollution to the earth....by the waste generated with all the crap produced...even on a local level...where a simple thing...like directling food items most poor people would never buy (deli things for instance) to people who are hungry for half of the month...even then...their policy is to throw out garbage cans full of useful food. All it would take is a little organization. But then that would be money spent on something other than profit, wouldn't it. Better to come up with a lame excuse about food poisoning or something along that line.
All this reminds me of the book "Mauve"...which I got out of the library a few years ago and which is a most interesting and informative book. It is about how the colour mauve came into being in the middle of the 19th century...amidst the chemical fiascos and experimentation and river pollution and death and sickness of workers. A lot of it was because of the ignorance or man and the consequences of greed.....just like now. All those names from that century...(well not all of them, but many)...who made themselves very rich by inventing something, or creating a process...and all on the backs of the poor.
This latter phrase has become a cliche unfortunately. Even though it is an appropriate picture that is painted by the words.
When you read the book you become so aware that in 200 years nothing has changed. It is frightening. Only the players and the details have changed. The consciousness...no.
Fiddle Tune Evening
Last night was a departure from the usual fiddle lesson. All levels of fiddle players, beginners, intermediates and seniors were asked to gather on the stage of the auditorium of the college where the fiddle lessons are held.
On the stage...opposite the 'students'...were a local collection of players who have a name but which I won't mention here. I was late getting there and there were very few chairs left. I felt dopey because I had forgotten that it was a 'special night'. And I was ill prepared as usual....because of so much energy going into "maintenance activites'...like recovering from the job...and had not had much time to practice.
I got grumpy. And I had forgotten my recording devices....of which I have very good ones and for which this would have been a rare and opportune time to use them. I also wanted to be more in line with the collection of players who faced the main body of students...all being on the stage together though.
Finally I decided to move and took a chair to the very back. I alway feel so self-conscious at the front anyway.
I only listened at first. But you know...these tunes are so nice....and so easy in a way...(I suppose you could add things and make them much more difficult and advanced if you wanted to)...that I finally got into it. But I have been afraid to actually put the bow to the strings. I don't mind fingering the notes and reading the music...but I know the sound that comes out of the violin is sooooo bad that I did not want to draw attention to myself.
But just finguring the notes and letting the others make the sound was kind of nice. I got to hear what the tunes sounded like...and they are very very good. I told my old teacher, the one who composed the tunes, that they were better than the traditional tunes. And I really think they are. I would like to learn them all.
Someone came and talked to me after. And this morning, I realized the body language was about 'being friends'. I think so anyway...it is sort of how little boys behave when they are trying to be friends with someone. Mostly I felt very afraid for myself. I was not sure how I would react. So I kind of scurried off.
On the stage...opposite the 'students'...were a local collection of players who have a name but which I won't mention here. I was late getting there and there were very few chairs left. I felt dopey because I had forgotten that it was a 'special night'. And I was ill prepared as usual....because of so much energy going into "maintenance activites'...like recovering from the job...and had not had much time to practice.
I got grumpy. And I had forgotten my recording devices....of which I have very good ones and for which this would have been a rare and opportune time to use them. I also wanted to be more in line with the collection of players who faced the main body of students...all being on the stage together though.
Finally I decided to move and took a chair to the very back. I alway feel so self-conscious at the front anyway.
I only listened at first. But you know...these tunes are so nice....and so easy in a way...(I suppose you could add things and make them much more difficult and advanced if you wanted to)...that I finally got into it. But I have been afraid to actually put the bow to the strings. I don't mind fingering the notes and reading the music...but I know the sound that comes out of the violin is sooooo bad that I did not want to draw attention to myself.
But just finguring the notes and letting the others make the sound was kind of nice. I got to hear what the tunes sounded like...and they are very very good. I told my old teacher, the one who composed the tunes, that they were better than the traditional tunes. And I really think they are. I would like to learn them all.
Someone came and talked to me after. And this morning, I realized the body language was about 'being friends'. I think so anyway...it is sort of how little boys behave when they are trying to be friends with someone. Mostly I felt very afraid for myself. I was not sure how I would react. So I kind of scurried off.
The Cassandra Syndrome
This is an interesting phenomena. Well...not for me it isn't. But in an abstract sense it is.
It is also the name of the Greek persona that I picked to represent me.....when asked by Jim to do so, in the initial stages of his attempting to seduce me.
I remember that stopped him in his tracks because it was very convenient choice on my part... for him, and his ruse.
And it is very unfortunate....for me.
I feel, now, a lot of it is because of the aforementioned 'incongruence'. The incongruence in my body language and my verbal language causes people not to believe that I know anything, or have anything to offer them. I guess that means they do not trust me, I suppose. How bizarre. Because that is one of the traits of someone with Asperger's....they are generally very trustworthy and will do what they say they will do. They do not lie like NT's lie...who do so as a general state of being....while they receive and send non-verbal language to each other on 'what is really being said'.
This lack of belief in me affects all areas of my life. I really don't know how to change the body language bit. I have been going to phone someone for assistance in this area and will when I get more time.
It is also the name of the Greek persona that I picked to represent me.....when asked by Jim to do so, in the initial stages of his attempting to seduce me.
I remember that stopped him in his tracks because it was very convenient choice on my part... for him, and his ruse.
And it is very unfortunate....for me.
I feel, now, a lot of it is because of the aforementioned 'incongruence'. The incongruence in my body language and my verbal language causes people not to believe that I know anything, or have anything to offer them. I guess that means they do not trust me, I suppose. How bizarre. Because that is one of the traits of someone with Asperger's....they are generally very trustworthy and will do what they say they will do. They do not lie like NT's lie...who do so as a general state of being....while they receive and send non-verbal language to each other on 'what is really being said'.
This lack of belief in me affects all areas of my life. I really don't know how to change the body language bit. I have been going to phone someone for assistance in this area and will when I get more time.
Fresh Air
9:25am
Got carried away this morning about blogging....mostly while I was doing the laundry. Thank goodness I got in there ealier because someone just came with a tonne. So.... I..am...out...of...there.
We are getting a new roof on the dining area which is just outside my area. Because there are 'windows' that open down to the lower floor, and because the roofing crew have the patio doors open on the lower floor to drag the 'out-take' to their truck at the back, this floor has gradually cooled off this morning. (which for me is a great treat as the little old ladies like it very very warm).
But it has allowed wonderful FRESH air to waft upstairs. It smells wonderful.
Got carried away this morning about blogging....mostly while I was doing the laundry. Thank goodness I got in there ealier because someone just came with a tonne. So.... I..am...out...of...there.
We are getting a new roof on the dining area which is just outside my area. Because there are 'windows' that open down to the lower floor, and because the roofing crew have the patio doors open on the lower floor to drag the 'out-take' to their truck at the back, this floor has gradually cooled off this morning. (which for me is a great treat as the little old ladies like it very very warm).
But it has allowed wonderful FRESH air to waft upstairs. It smells wonderful.
The Gold Mine
7:00am
A day off. I find it a very precious time.
The other day I received an email austencibly about a new gold mine prospect in South America being proposed by Barrick Inc. It would be a massive project involving the digging of a huge area of the rain forrest. It would involve the total polution of water sources for many many people, and therefore, the destruction of their lives. If the 'rumour' is correct then this project would be another example of a company totally lacking in any integrity or honour.
It is the kind of information that stirs such a feeling of powerlessness. Signing all the emails you want will never create the kind of lobby required to stop this kind of greed and horror, in my opinion. Who is going to read them is what I always think. What person, with the power to actually influence a project like this in a possitive way, would have access to this email or care.
I received another email this morning from the person who sent it. Apparently that is an old 'rumour'.
I do not understand how so many people are so ignorant, and so caught up in the greed, that they would even consider going ahead with a awful awful thing like this....for gold yet. For what good is this for anyone. What ir-repairable damage will be done to the earth. Why would they not care or consider that. (I guess that is the definition of greed, eh).
I end up again feeling so powerless.
What I am glad about when considering these acts, is that I have a place to go inside....where the real Gold Mine is. If only these people would know that....they would re-consider what they are doing...I am sure....because the reason they chase after this crap in the first place is because they are so empty inside, and are trying to fill the hole with external treasures.
A day off. I find it a very precious time.
The other day I received an email austencibly about a new gold mine prospect in South America being proposed by Barrick Inc. It would be a massive project involving the digging of a huge area of the rain forrest. It would involve the total polution of water sources for many many people, and therefore, the destruction of their lives. If the 'rumour' is correct then this project would be another example of a company totally lacking in any integrity or honour.
It is the kind of information that stirs such a feeling of powerlessness. Signing all the emails you want will never create the kind of lobby required to stop this kind of greed and horror, in my opinion. Who is going to read them is what I always think. What person, with the power to actually influence a project like this in a possitive way, would have access to this email or care.
I received another email this morning from the person who sent it. Apparently that is an old 'rumour'.
I do not understand how so many people are so ignorant, and so caught up in the greed, that they would even consider going ahead with a awful awful thing like this....for gold yet. For what good is this for anyone. What ir-repairable damage will be done to the earth. Why would they not care or consider that. (I guess that is the definition of greed, eh).
I end up again feeling so powerless.
What I am glad about when considering these acts, is that I have a place to go inside....where the real Gold Mine is. If only these people would know that....they would re-consider what they are doing...I am sure....because the reason they chase after this crap in the first place is because they are so empty inside, and are trying to fill the hole with external treasures.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Passive Agresson Vs. Confrontation
4:30pm
This is a topic I would like to explore. I am going to leave it for now. Passive Agressive people are rampant in the "Recovery" programme.....or so I feel I have observed.....and certainly I have experienced that at work, and other places.
Some people are very afraid of being confrontational.....or in my way of thinking....actually being honest, and saying what they actually mean....as opposed to lying (which is what most people spend their lives doing). That is another trait of Asperger people. Honesty. But in a way that is off-putting to many NT's (that is neurotypicals if you are wondering what NT stands for).
And when you add the "Recovery" people into the mix....well!....we do have a problem. "Recovery" people are often in denial....and certainly are 'not used' to being honest with themselves....let alone anyone else.
Passive agressive people are very very scary because of their lack of honesty with THEMSELVES. I think at one time, when I was very young, in my twenties say, I, certainly, probably, was passive agressive. I certainly was AFRAID to tell people what I was thinking at any given time. I certainly was AFRAID of the reaction of any confrontation and looked on that trait as being very suspect and something to be avoided. I looked on it as not an honourable thing. Crazy eh? People would rather LIE to themselves that have the courage to be HONEST. AND put someone down at the same time for having that trait. Very very warped.
To be compassionate though, this last memory of how I was in the past, reminds me that most people do, in fact, feel totally powerless in doing anything about their own actions. Many people do not have the strong inner core that develops from being shown who you are....deep inside. Especially if you are younger and have not much life-experience. That is not to say that many people do not come to a wisdom in the final years that is so admirable. My friend, Ben, who was 94 when he died was one of the wisest people I have ever known...not to mention having such a fantastic way with people. For a few short months, after he died, much of his 'ways' rubbed off on me...and I was able to parrot some of his methods. (But it is not inate for me, so other influences have superceded). It was a wonderful experience, though, to have that 'power' to influence people.
Thinking of Ben reminds me of the possibility to get what you want without so-called 'aggression' and the counter-point, the frustration that comes from never getting what you want. He was a master at getting what he wanted...in such a gentle, kind and nice way. He also always knew how to 'give people what they want'. And, that was his strength.
Somehow I get very very afraid in many of situations. It is that Asperger anxiety.
I think "giving people what they want' is basically the key. Yes..... Giving people what they want. For me that is very hard. Not being able to 'read' what people want. I have noticed how people have been very kind in many ways...but they want something in return....and really, what have I got to offer. At least with my pottery I could give that. That is why it is always a one time thing. They feel they have 'done their duty'. They are not even conscious of their expectations of my short-comings.
This is a topic I would like to explore. I am going to leave it for now. Passive Agressive people are rampant in the "Recovery" programme.....or so I feel I have observed.....and certainly I have experienced that at work, and other places.
Some people are very afraid of being confrontational.....or in my way of thinking....actually being honest, and saying what they actually mean....as opposed to lying (which is what most people spend their lives doing). That is another trait of Asperger people. Honesty. But in a way that is off-putting to many NT's (that is neurotypicals if you are wondering what NT stands for).
And when you add the "Recovery" people into the mix....well!....we do have a problem. "Recovery" people are often in denial....and certainly are 'not used' to being honest with themselves....let alone anyone else.
Passive agressive people are very very scary because of their lack of honesty with THEMSELVES. I think at one time, when I was very young, in my twenties say, I, certainly, probably, was passive agressive. I certainly was AFRAID to tell people what I was thinking at any given time. I certainly was AFRAID of the reaction of any confrontation and looked on that trait as being very suspect and something to be avoided. I looked on it as not an honourable thing. Crazy eh? People would rather LIE to themselves that have the courage to be HONEST. AND put someone down at the same time for having that trait. Very very warped.
To be compassionate though, this last memory of how I was in the past, reminds me that most people do, in fact, feel totally powerless in doing anything about their own actions. Many people do not have the strong inner core that develops from being shown who you are....deep inside. Especially if you are younger and have not much life-experience. That is not to say that many people do not come to a wisdom in the final years that is so admirable. My friend, Ben, who was 94 when he died was one of the wisest people I have ever known...not to mention having such a fantastic way with people. For a few short months, after he died, much of his 'ways' rubbed off on me...and I was able to parrot some of his methods. (But it is not inate for me, so other influences have superceded). It was a wonderful experience, though, to have that 'power' to influence people.
Thinking of Ben reminds me of the possibility to get what you want without so-called 'aggression' and the counter-point, the frustration that comes from never getting what you want. He was a master at getting what he wanted...in such a gentle, kind and nice way. He also always knew how to 'give people what they want'. And, that was his strength.
Somehow I get very very afraid in many of situations. It is that Asperger anxiety.
I think "giving people what they want' is basically the key. Yes..... Giving people what they want. For me that is very hard. Not being able to 'read' what people want. I have noticed how people have been very kind in many ways...but they want something in return....and really, what have I got to offer. At least with my pottery I could give that. That is why it is always a one time thing. They feel they have 'done their duty'. They are not even conscious of their expectations of my short-comings.
Salt and Pepper
4:00pm
Just back from the job. A very very trying day. Feel very taken advantage of...but will have to see how things turn out. That is one thing that happens to people with Asperger's Syndrome. We are not good at standing up for ourselves...no matter what other people say to encourage that....which is what one of the other staff did. That is a documented fact. The young ones there are very good at manipulating the situation for their own benefits and in fact, feel that they are entitled to do that.
However....
....I wanted to talk about Spider and Bailey....two baby dogs who came for a walk with their mama yesterday about the time I was getting home in the car. We talked for a long time....me and the mama. And I got to hug the babies who were very very friendly and came when I called them...but the black one, Spider is his real name....wandered off , sniffing the field...the mama said she was not concerned but he did get out of sight.....so I hope nothing happened to him. The white doggy was very very attentive...waiting for the signal to move on. She said the neighbourhood children call them Salt and Pepper.....which would be apt names for the smooochies.
Just back from the job. A very very trying day. Feel very taken advantage of...but will have to see how things turn out. That is one thing that happens to people with Asperger's Syndrome. We are not good at standing up for ourselves...no matter what other people say to encourage that....which is what one of the other staff did. That is a documented fact. The young ones there are very good at manipulating the situation for their own benefits and in fact, feel that they are entitled to do that.
However....
....I wanted to talk about Spider and Bailey....two baby dogs who came for a walk with their mama yesterday about the time I was getting home in the car. We talked for a long time....me and the mama. And I got to hug the babies who were very very friendly and came when I called them...but the black one, Spider is his real name....wandered off , sniffing the field...the mama said she was not concerned but he did get out of sight.....so I hope nothing happened to him. The white doggy was very very attentive...waiting for the signal to move on. She said the neighbourhood children call them Salt and Pepper.....which would be apt names for the smooochies.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Patience
They say patience is a virtue. I can see from the others in this place (that being my apartment building for older people and disabled people and people with brain disorders), or just because I am getting older, and because you have to rely on others more than you did before, one has to curry patience.
For instance, because there are so many things to do on my lists, and because I have to "recover" from the exhaustion of the job, the time on my days off becomes so precious. Yesterday for instance, seemed to float along for a very long day...and I feel I was very good to myself and got 'most' of what I wanted to get done. But those things that cannot be done by oneself...not the smaller everyday things like getting vegetables or paying bills or cooking food or answering emails or doing dishes or getting ready to go out...those things that require 'another person' may as well be from the moon.
I have, for instance, been waiting now for someone to help take in the air conditioner. (someone has promised...so I will have PATIENCE). I have also been hoping for 5 months now that someone will come with an adequate hammer drill and, having the expertise, be able to 'install' the ceiling hooks in the cement ceiling, so that I can hang my lamp. Also my shelf, a very heavy one, needs two people to put it up. I figured I could get the picture hooks in the right place...with a little mathematics...and I think they will be enough to hold it....but I need that extra shoulder to get it up on the wall.
I made an attempt at getting someone to help about 3 weeks ago and spent most of one of my days off concentrating on getting that job done. But to no avail. I did call a concrete person who said they would drop by. Now that it is very cold out perhaps they will have to discontinue the pouring of concrete and perhaps he will be able to bring a more adequte hammer jack and some plugs and I could trade him for some chili...which is what I would like to propose, if he is willing.
For instance, because there are so many things to do on my lists, and because I have to "recover" from the exhaustion of the job, the time on my days off becomes so precious. Yesterday for instance, seemed to float along for a very long day...and I feel I was very good to myself and got 'most' of what I wanted to get done. But those things that cannot be done by oneself...not the smaller everyday things like getting vegetables or paying bills or cooking food or answering emails or doing dishes or getting ready to go out...those things that require 'another person' may as well be from the moon.
I have, for instance, been waiting now for someone to help take in the air conditioner. (someone has promised...so I will have PATIENCE). I have also been hoping for 5 months now that someone will come with an adequate hammer drill and, having the expertise, be able to 'install' the ceiling hooks in the cement ceiling, so that I can hang my lamp. Also my shelf, a very heavy one, needs two people to put it up. I figured I could get the picture hooks in the right place...with a little mathematics...and I think they will be enough to hold it....but I need that extra shoulder to get it up on the wall.
I made an attempt at getting someone to help about 3 weeks ago and spent most of one of my days off concentrating on getting that job done. But to no avail. I did call a concrete person who said they would drop by. Now that it is very cold out perhaps they will have to discontinue the pouring of concrete and perhaps he will be able to bring a more adequte hammer jack and some plugs and I could trade him for some chili...which is what I would like to propose, if he is willing.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Words
6:30am
Two days ago there was a massive misunderstanding around the use of words and numbers at work. I am hoping there will not be any more 'fall-out' from it. There were also, 'words', between myself and another worker there. I did not take any of it to be a problem until I arrived yesterday at work and was told someone was upset at me. I can see that the root cause of the conflict though, was about changes in expectations, routines and agendas, and perseveration. This latter word also has a dual meaning depending upon the reference point.
Most of it was my fault. And it turned out that, in the end, because of my perseveration, I totally messed up the packaging of one of the items. Nothing that would cost anyone any money....except yesterday was an even more nuts day because the person was sick and they already have us stretched to any human limit in terms of pace and expectations of task accomplishment. In other words they are short staffed to begin with. The reason I messed up the packaging though was because of fancy-footwork in the laying out of the item involved. It was not the way I remembered it being taught and did not jive with my visual reference.
So I went along with the reference as I knew it, not realizing there was another element that one couldn't reference visually. I know I had been told by this person how they did it before but I did not remember. And it was close to the end of my 8 hours and I had been going flat out for that period of time, and so really couldn't process any information that was not on automatic pilot.
The other mistake, if it was one, since I was doing the baking yesterday and so I felt I was just finishing-up, but the other thing I did not do which had been done before...was to switch roles so that person could be at the front....and then I go do stuff at the back. I don't really care actually which is which. I am willing to switch. But that day, I was totally IN THE ZONE so to speak...and the baking was going very smoothly....And I suppose I was proud of the fact that it had gone so well. (Not that it could be repeated like that every day). But I kind of wanted to continue in that mode. But on another level, it was PERSEVERATION. When I got home yesterday I could see that.
The point is none of this is really of any importance in the gist of things in terms of job performance, except that people hold these things against you.
And this is where the Asperger's issues come into play as causing 'issues'. And I really like this person so it would be such a shame for something silly like this to come between us.
I wanted to discuss also the different use of words in the context of the two areas of interest for me just now: Asperger's and "Recovery". I find this very interesting that the same 'words' are used in both areas. Eg. Perseveration vs. Perseverance, or Incongruence vs. Inconguity, or 'devil' (used in a slang way on www.wrongplanet) vs. 'bedevilment' (used to mean lack of control over substance-abuse) and other examples which I will remember at some point.
I find this interesting because I feel that somehow the scientists are going to find, and perhaps soon, how all of these 'brain issues' are caused by faulty wiring in the emotional area of the brain. (Is that Area 25 I think?). And that they are all related (ADD, Asperger's, so-called 'Recovery'). They have all been given different meanings by different "groups' or references, but all refer to the same deficit. And the deficit causes the same emotional response and therefore the same problem with 'cravings' regardless of how you define the use of the words.
BUT one last note on all this discussion about words....because really, the bottom line is the solution. And the bottom line has to be THE HEART. So all this discussion is just that: duality of the mind vs. the singularity and simplicity of the heart. These conflicts can be happening, but with Knowledge, you have the option to 'opt out' so to speak...an go inside.
And the interesting thing about it is: these 'communities' (in literature, for example, say St. Exupery) recognize this conclusion (that I mention above), as being the solution. I guess being an Asperger person you always want to know why as well. I guess that is why I am interested in this contrast and compare exercise.
Two days ago there was a massive misunderstanding around the use of words and numbers at work. I am hoping there will not be any more 'fall-out' from it. There were also, 'words', between myself and another worker there. I did not take any of it to be a problem until I arrived yesterday at work and was told someone was upset at me. I can see that the root cause of the conflict though, was about changes in expectations, routines and agendas, and perseveration. This latter word also has a dual meaning depending upon the reference point.
Most of it was my fault. And it turned out that, in the end, because of my perseveration, I totally messed up the packaging of one of the items. Nothing that would cost anyone any money....except yesterday was an even more nuts day because the person was sick and they already have us stretched to any human limit in terms of pace and expectations of task accomplishment. In other words they are short staffed to begin with. The reason I messed up the packaging though was because of fancy-footwork in the laying out of the item involved. It was not the way I remembered it being taught and did not jive with my visual reference.
So I went along with the reference as I knew it, not realizing there was another element that one couldn't reference visually. I know I had been told by this person how they did it before but I did not remember. And it was close to the end of my 8 hours and I had been going flat out for that period of time, and so really couldn't process any information that was not on automatic pilot.
The other mistake, if it was one, since I was doing the baking yesterday and so I felt I was just finishing-up, but the other thing I did not do which had been done before...was to switch roles so that person could be at the front....and then I go do stuff at the back. I don't really care actually which is which. I am willing to switch. But that day, I was totally IN THE ZONE so to speak...and the baking was going very smoothly....And I suppose I was proud of the fact that it had gone so well. (Not that it could be repeated like that every day). But I kind of wanted to continue in that mode. But on another level, it was PERSEVERATION. When I got home yesterday I could see that.
The point is none of this is really of any importance in the gist of things in terms of job performance, except that people hold these things against you.
And this is where the Asperger's issues come into play as causing 'issues'. And I really like this person so it would be such a shame for something silly like this to come between us.
I wanted to discuss also the different use of words in the context of the two areas of interest for me just now: Asperger's and "Recovery". I find this very interesting that the same 'words' are used in both areas. Eg. Perseveration vs. Perseverance, or Incongruence vs. Inconguity, or 'devil' (used in a slang way on www.wrongplanet) vs. 'bedevilment' (used to mean lack of control over substance-abuse) and other examples which I will remember at some point.
I find this interesting because I feel that somehow the scientists are going to find, and perhaps soon, how all of these 'brain issues' are caused by faulty wiring in the emotional area of the brain. (Is that Area 25 I think?). And that they are all related (ADD, Asperger's, so-called 'Recovery'). They have all been given different meanings by different "groups' or references, but all refer to the same deficit. And the deficit causes the same emotional response and therefore the same problem with 'cravings' regardless of how you define the use of the words.
BUT one last note on all this discussion about words....because really, the bottom line is the solution. And the bottom line has to be THE HEART. So all this discussion is just that: duality of the mind vs. the singularity and simplicity of the heart. These conflicts can be happening, but with Knowledge, you have the option to 'opt out' so to speak...an go inside.
And the interesting thing about it is: these 'communities' (in literature, for example, say St. Exupery) recognize this conclusion (that I mention above), as being the solution. I guess being an Asperger person you always want to know why as well. I guess that is why I am interested in this contrast and compare exercise.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Smells
Almost Noon
There are lovely scents of FLOOR POLISH and APPLE SAUCE wafting into my apartment just now. Hmmm....
On another level there is "something fishy is the state of Denmark". Hacking, you know. Very stinky. Someone passed by, in the hall, and mentioned smells....and I hadn't even posted this yet. What am I to think of that?
There are lovely scents of FLOOR POLISH and APPLE SAUCE wafting into my apartment just now. Hmmm....
On another level there is "something fishy is the state of Denmark". Hacking, you know. Very stinky. Someone passed by, in the hall, and mentioned smells....and I hadn't even posted this yet. What am I to think of that?
Spices
This morning is a day off.
Already I have had an enjoying hour making another loaf of rye bread....cleaning up after the turkey...(I know, very late but I have been so tired). And then I got into my new containers which were very inexpensive at the food store the other day...which I had hoped to give people turkey in...and maybe still might, given that it is not mis-construed.
But I also observed that they were the exact size needed for my spice collection which was in bags and rather unruly. So I have had to appropriate them for that purpose.
My spice section in my cabinets is looking very tidy now. I really enjoyed that little interlude.
Already I have had an enjoying hour making another loaf of rye bread....cleaning up after the turkey...(I know, very late but I have been so tired). And then I got into my new containers which were very inexpensive at the food store the other day...which I had hoped to give people turkey in...and maybe still might, given that it is not mis-construed.
But I also observed that they were the exact size needed for my spice collection which was in bags and rather unruly. So I have had to appropriate them for that purpose.
My spice section in my cabinets is looking very tidy now. I really enjoyed that little interlude.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The Dance
3:00pm
The other day, NOT today, which is very very cold and snowing even...the other day, perhaps one of the days last week, when I was on the very early shift at work and worked the first hour just by myself, I had a very 'interesting time'.
I kept counting up to eight...as in "five, six, seven, eight", as I arranged the trays of bread and counted the ones on the racks over and over again to make sure I had not made a mistake. At first, I was not aware that I was doing that...but later when I did the previously mentioned 'panning', and there were not so many distractions, I became aware of the counting of the numbers.
I laughed a little to myself even. I tried to make a joke of the fact that I was counting to eight over and over again. I believe other people were milling aroung at the time also but, of course, they would not understand what I did attempt to describe to them at one point.
And.....Because of my AS, I have only just now processed this little event to its full meaning.
It was THE DANCE....the dance of life....the ability to find that joy in my own heart. I am wanting to learn a waltz on the fiddle called "In My Own Heart I Can Dance With You". I have only just now put that desire together with that event of counting.
For people who wonder, the 'you' that is referred to is not something outside oneself. And my experience has just proved it...... to myself.
The other day, NOT today, which is very very cold and snowing even...the other day, perhaps one of the days last week, when I was on the very early shift at work and worked the first hour just by myself, I had a very 'interesting time'.
I kept counting up to eight...as in "five, six, seven, eight", as I arranged the trays of bread and counted the ones on the racks over and over again to make sure I had not made a mistake. At first, I was not aware that I was doing that...but later when I did the previously mentioned 'panning', and there were not so many distractions, I became aware of the counting of the numbers.
I laughed a little to myself even. I tried to make a joke of the fact that I was counting to eight over and over again. I believe other people were milling aroung at the time also but, of course, they would not understand what I did attempt to describe to them at one point.
And.....Because of my AS, I have only just now processed this little event to its full meaning.
It was THE DANCE....the dance of life....the ability to find that joy in my own heart. I am wanting to learn a waltz on the fiddle called "In My Own Heart I Can Dance With You". I have only just now put that desire together with that event of counting.
For people who wonder, the 'you' that is referred to is not something outside oneself. And my experience has just proved it...... to myself.
A Rose by Any Other Name...A Salty Tough Old Bird
5:30am
My turkey turned out well...considering it had been in the freezer for almost a year. It would have been awful and tough without my putting it in the brine first. It is the first time I have cooked a turkey that way and think it needed to be soaked in plain water after the brine, before cooking it. Perhaps.
I gave a neighbour some to take home. Apparently it was passed to another neighbour. Apparently the concensus was it was good.
As is usual with this person, giving from my heart takes a lot of strength in not being attached to the 'giving'. A 'salty old bird' for a 'salty old bird'.
My turkey turned out well...considering it had been in the freezer for almost a year. It would have been awful and tough without my putting it in the brine first. It is the first time I have cooked a turkey that way and think it needed to be soaked in plain water after the brine, before cooking it. Perhaps.
I gave a neighbour some to take home. Apparently it was passed to another neighbour. Apparently the concensus was it was good.
As is usual with this person, giving from my heart takes a lot of strength in not being attached to the 'giving'. A 'salty old bird' for a 'salty old bird'.
Monday, October 09, 2006
I am Unique
12:32pm
Today is Thanksgiving Day, 2006
Right now, I want to give thanks where thanks is due.
I am so so happy right now. I feel so connected....to my lovely inner self. To the Ocean of Joy that Prem Rawat talks about. I am listening to his cassette tape "Save the Day". It also has beautiful music on it. I am cooking my turkey. I have invited a few people directly (that is good)...and some people indirectly (by means of a sign downstairs in this building...and we will see if that is a mistake or not).
If anybody comes that will be fine. (I am a little scared. I am not good at inviting people over or knowing what to do when they get here). If nobody comes that will be ok too. In fact, it might be better, who knows. As I am good at enjoying myself, by myself.
I went to the food store ealier to pick up some vegetables and a gallon of whipping cream (which I will have to freeze I suppose).
On the way I thought how, today, just now, I am really feeling how UNIQUE I am...just like Prem Rawat says...how all of us, each of us, are each unique. Mostly I do not appreciate it when I am in the sea of troubles rather than the Ocean of Joy. On my way to the food store I was thinking how lucky I am to have received this gift of Knowledge...to know my own heart.
So I am giving THANKS to where thanks is due. I have been thinking, for a nice change, how thankful I am for have been shown this gift...that everyone already has....inside.
Today is Thanksgiving Day, 2006
Right now, I want to give thanks where thanks is due.
I am so so happy right now. I feel so connected....to my lovely inner self. To the Ocean of Joy that Prem Rawat talks about. I am listening to his cassette tape "Save the Day". It also has beautiful music on it. I am cooking my turkey. I have invited a few people directly (that is good)...and some people indirectly (by means of a sign downstairs in this building...and we will see if that is a mistake or not).
If anybody comes that will be fine. (I am a little scared. I am not good at inviting people over or knowing what to do when they get here). If nobody comes that will be ok too. In fact, it might be better, who knows. As I am good at enjoying myself, by myself.
I went to the food store ealier to pick up some vegetables and a gallon of whipping cream (which I will have to freeze I suppose).
On the way I thought how, today, just now, I am really feeling how UNIQUE I am...just like Prem Rawat says...how all of us, each of us, are each unique. Mostly I do not appreciate it when I am in the sea of troubles rather than the Ocean of Joy. On my way to the food store I was thinking how lucky I am to have received this gift of Knowledge...to know my own heart.
So I am giving THANKS to where thanks is due. I have been thinking, for a nice change, how thankful I am for have been shown this gift...that everyone already has....inside.
The Fog
7:30am
Thanksgiving Day, 2006
There is a thick, thick fog stretched all across the field outside my window. You can only see the line of cars parked along the edge on the other side of the lane.
We don't get so much fog like that here....very often.
8:00am
Already the fog is lifting before I can get a photo. I will run downstairs and see what I can get on the camera.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
The Rolling Stones
8:30am
Mick is prancing outsite my window as we speak....really! Only, he, and the band, are just on the OTHER side of the downtown..just a stones' throw away actually. I can hear him singing his heart out on "Angie"....and they did play "Paint it Black". It is as close as I will ever come....another notch in my life never to be achieved. I was considering attempting to run over there by myself and get a last minute deal...or I could have taken the person from work up on her parent's tickets, but in the end, in spite of the amazing sound system THIS city will probably never see the likes of again...I had to bow out and believe 'good things for me will be coming'.
It is a night like tonight...when the warriors 'on the other side' are there enjoying themselves with not one thought of including you....the 'relatives' that Arjun sees on the other side of the battlefield. The ones that Krishna says Arjun will have to fight and maybe kill, and to which Arjun replies that he can't, that he has lived with these people, he has loved these people:they are his extended family.
This is all philosophical but it is Thanksgiving...with no thought of anyone to have thanks with. And those that I have loved passionately and very well without selfishness have no thought of you...what-so-ever. Mostly because of personality (mine) and because of a deficit I was born with. Seems unfair doesn't it.
It is nights like tonight that I am more and more grateful for the gift of Knowledge that Maharji gave me 25 years ago.It is not easy to be grateful on nights like tonight. I guess someone knew I would desperately need it. Other people can receive Knowledge that do not live in such an isolated and desparate state as I do so don't use me as an example. I just know that it is the only thing that has seen me though all this rejection...and even through a Rolling Stones concert.
Now the crowd is howling. The thing about it though....it is a 'crowd sport'. And that is the whole point...for someone like me it often just seems like a big black hole....since there is no connection to anyone. You really have to have your own 'crowd' to go with...or at the very least your own 'person'..or 'dog'. It isn't exactly something to do on your own.
I did see Leonard Cohen on my own though...such was my desire not to be left out...in fact I saw him twice. Probably the only singer I would do that for.
If you cook it, they will come. That is my philosophy for tomorrow. I will make Thanksgiving dinner. I will enjoy it. I will invite anyone here who has nobody, to come.
Earlier, about 5pm...when most people WOULD be having their Thanksgiving dinner if they were having it today, the sunday, I took my washing to the laundry on the floor above, the laundry on this floor being pretty much out of order still. I waited while it washed and dried outside in the little sitting area there is on every floor. I found the book 'City of Joy' in the book stand. I had seen it a number of weeks ago when I was passing but this time I decided to look at it. I have always enjoyed the movie even though it is flawed artistically. I think it is an apt and interesting book. Anand Nagar. Maharaji has mentioned that place on occasion. I think I will enjoy reading it.
Well...Mick is still howling away. The crowd is still howling. I wish I were there. I can feel the energy even here. I don't know why I have to be alone so much. It is hard to make friends. And it is definately hard to keep friends. Mostly it is hard to find the mutual respect and consideration and admiration that I think defines friendship. The kind of person who would go with you to a Stones concert. It is hard not to offend people. It is hard not to be offended.
Mick is prancing outsite my window as we speak....really! Only, he, and the band, are just on the OTHER side of the downtown..just a stones' throw away actually. I can hear him singing his heart out on "Angie"....and they did play "Paint it Black". It is as close as I will ever come....another notch in my life never to be achieved. I was considering attempting to run over there by myself and get a last minute deal...or I could have taken the person from work up on her parent's tickets, but in the end, in spite of the amazing sound system THIS city will probably never see the likes of again...I had to bow out and believe 'good things for me will be coming'.
It is a night like tonight...when the warriors 'on the other side' are there enjoying themselves with not one thought of including you....the 'relatives' that Arjun sees on the other side of the battlefield. The ones that Krishna says Arjun will have to fight and maybe kill, and to which Arjun replies that he can't, that he has lived with these people, he has loved these people:they are his extended family.
This is all philosophical but it is Thanksgiving...with no thought of anyone to have thanks with. And those that I have loved passionately and very well without selfishness have no thought of you...what-so-ever. Mostly because of personality (mine) and because of a deficit I was born with. Seems unfair doesn't it.
It is nights like tonight that I am more and more grateful for the gift of Knowledge that Maharji gave me 25 years ago.It is not easy to be grateful on nights like tonight. I guess someone knew I would desperately need it. Other people can receive Knowledge that do not live in such an isolated and desparate state as I do so don't use me as an example. I just know that it is the only thing that has seen me though all this rejection...and even through a Rolling Stones concert.
Now the crowd is howling. The thing about it though....it is a 'crowd sport'. And that is the whole point...for someone like me it often just seems like a big black hole....since there is no connection to anyone. You really have to have your own 'crowd' to go with...or at the very least your own 'person'..or 'dog'. It isn't exactly something to do on your own.
I did see Leonard Cohen on my own though...such was my desire not to be left out...in fact I saw him twice. Probably the only singer I would do that for.
If you cook it, they will come. That is my philosophy for tomorrow. I will make Thanksgiving dinner. I will enjoy it. I will invite anyone here who has nobody, to come.
Earlier, about 5pm...when most people WOULD be having their Thanksgiving dinner if they were having it today, the sunday, I took my washing to the laundry on the floor above, the laundry on this floor being pretty much out of order still. I waited while it washed and dried outside in the little sitting area there is on every floor. I found the book 'City of Joy' in the book stand. I had seen it a number of weeks ago when I was passing but this time I decided to look at it. I have always enjoyed the movie even though it is flawed artistically. I think it is an apt and interesting book. Anand Nagar. Maharaji has mentioned that place on occasion. I think I will enjoy reading it.
Well...Mick is still howling away. The crowd is still howling. I wish I were there. I can feel the energy even here. I don't know why I have to be alone so much. It is hard to make friends. And it is definately hard to keep friends. Mostly it is hard to find the mutual respect and consideration and admiration that I think defines friendship. The kind of person who would go with you to a Stones concert. It is hard not to offend people. It is hard not to be offended.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Flowers at the Base of my Tree
5:00pm
There have been carnations and roses and various other flowers from someone's bouquet strewn haphazardly at the base of the tree outside my apartment window. I have been wanting to go down and gather them up and bring them up to my apartment for the last two or three days...they have been there that long. They seemed to have been totally disregarded in spite of the extra car in the parking spot beside the tree...or because of...it was a mystery to me. People have been coming and going and nobody seemed to want them.
So it has turned out a neighbour, the one whose spot was beside the tree, is having an 80th birthday party shin-dig downstairs, just now, as we speak. 'A private party' , the sign says. Many people have turned up. A very young man talked to me as I limped in from work, hardly able to lift my feet or look at him as I checked for my mail, telling me who the dozens of people had come to feast. He thought I was a guest and so would want to check my coat. He was very polite.
I guess this person is very well respected in her 'crowd'. I guess she has many 'friends'. I guess she would be considered a 'piller of society'. I bet she got lots of presents.
I wanted to go up by the stairs and so avoid the huge crowd but my legs would not co-operate. I can hardly walk these days after being on my feet for so long. I knew I would never make it up the stairs.
I have just taken a peek out the window. It has been raining all day. The discarded flowers are still there. They will be very wet.
Maybe, if no one is around, when the crowd thins, I will go and see if any of them are good enough to salvage for a bouquet.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Incongruence and No Sleep
4:30am
It was at the point when she, (being the addictions counsellor), said, that "there was incongruence", that I knew we had a problem, Houston. It was at that point that I tried to 'discuss' this point.
And, unfortunately, that is when the 'little devil' that the Groovy Druid was talking about reared his ugly head. And that, unfortunately, is the crux of my problem....in terms of making friends and influencing enemies as they say....this I can see....so I think that I have to find, once again, a person who might, in my wildest dreams, help me....since the above person can't or won't, being seeped in concepts and only open to things that are in the defined area of discussion, as defined by someone...other than herself.
But, Thank You anyway. The fact that you can 'NAME THAT TUNE', so to speak, is a compliment to your counselling expertise.
But, I think you have to explore that observation and judgement of me, in yourself first...before I can even begin to feel accepted in your presence. About that TRUST reference that was the first topic of the conversation.
That was what I was trying to say yesterday but only succeeded in arousing more anger in her.
But...now that we have the 'devil' named...(as the Groovy Druid calls it...www.wrongplanet.net)... (Articles section, "The Secrets of Projecting Successful Body Language).. (god, couldn't those kids have chosen a better name for their angst or their site)...we can possible do something about learning the appropriate BODY LANGUAGE.....so that I don't continue to get these assinine reactions.
Meanwhile...I have to go to work at this rediculous hour worrying, as I have been, about acceptance at the job...even though I have done a good job in terms of the job....but not of course in terms of the NT's NEED for "congruence" in interactions...on their invisible, unconscious own terms.
It was at the point when she, (being the addictions counsellor), said, that "there was incongruence", that I knew we had a problem, Houston. It was at that point that I tried to 'discuss' this point.
And, unfortunately, that is when the 'little devil' that the Groovy Druid was talking about reared his ugly head. And that, unfortunately, is the crux of my problem....in terms of making friends and influencing enemies as they say....this I can see....so I think that I have to find, once again, a person who might, in my wildest dreams, help me....since the above person can't or won't, being seeped in concepts and only open to things that are in the defined area of discussion, as defined by someone...other than herself.
But, Thank You anyway. The fact that you can 'NAME THAT TUNE', so to speak, is a compliment to your counselling expertise.
But, I think you have to explore that observation and judgement of me, in yourself first...before I can even begin to feel accepted in your presence. About that TRUST reference that was the first topic of the conversation.
That was what I was trying to say yesterday but only succeeded in arousing more anger in her.
But...now that we have the 'devil' named...(as the Groovy Druid calls it...www.wrongplanet.net)... (Articles section, "The Secrets of Projecting Successful Body Language).. (god, couldn't those kids have chosen a better name for their angst or their site)...we can possible do something about learning the appropriate BODY LANGUAGE.....so that I don't continue to get these assinine reactions.
Meanwhile...I have to go to work at this rediculous hour worrying, as I have been, about acceptance at the job...even though I have done a good job in terms of the job....but not of course in terms of the NT's NEED for "congruence" in interactions...on their invisible, unconscious own terms.
Panning
11:30am
Just back from the job....for a lunch break...it smelled glorious outside. I LOVE this time of year. I came back home to get something nice to eat, to get out in the real world and because I wanted to blog. Someone at work brought up their idea of 'panning' and it got me thinking of the following.
When one uses the word panning, I, myself, at least, before this job, would have immediately thought of 'to pan' as in moving the camera quickly in a horizontal position so at to get a panoramic look at your surroundings. This is because of my art background. I would not have thought of its use as an active verb for putting bread in the pans. (Mother would probably be appauled at that use....as it is probably anything but the Queen's English....as least I don't think it is).
Aahhh.... I see I am actually thinking of MORE that one thing since I have brought up my mom's name too.
The person at work asked me if "I was the one who 'LIKED' panning". It has been obvious to me that most people there don't, especially the young ones who definately try to only do the things they like. I actually am getting a little tired of the panning. I could not say that 'I like the panning'.
In fact, I realize that what they INTERPRET as 'liking' is actually my being in touch with my BREATH...and thinking about what Knowledge has taught me...AND have the peace and quiet to actually concentrate on it. Also at my breaks I try to take as much time as is available to 'practice' Knowledge...to myself. So it is a little funny to see how things are being interpreted.
I could have gone into what a work ethic I have...blah blah blah....and some of that is true....I do as good a job as I can even in the dark and cold hold one has to work in in order to DO the panning...AND because the shapes are much like clay shapes....I can get a small satisfaction from doing something somewhat familiar.
Just back from the job....for a lunch break...it smelled glorious outside. I LOVE this time of year. I came back home to get something nice to eat, to get out in the real world and because I wanted to blog. Someone at work brought up their idea of 'panning' and it got me thinking of the following.
When one uses the word panning, I, myself, at least, before this job, would have immediately thought of 'to pan' as in moving the camera quickly in a horizontal position so at to get a panoramic look at your surroundings. This is because of my art background. I would not have thought of its use as an active verb for putting bread in the pans. (Mother would probably be appauled at that use....as it is probably anything but the Queen's English....as least I don't think it is).
Aahhh.... I see I am actually thinking of MORE that one thing since I have brought up my mom's name too.
The person at work asked me if "I was the one who 'LIKED' panning". It has been obvious to me that most people there don't, especially the young ones who definately try to only do the things they like. I actually am getting a little tired of the panning. I could not say that 'I like the panning'.
In fact, I realize that what they INTERPRET as 'liking' is actually my being in touch with my BREATH...and thinking about what Knowledge has taught me...AND have the peace and quiet to actually concentrate on it. Also at my breaks I try to take as much time as is available to 'practice' Knowledge...to myself. So it is a little funny to see how things are being interpreted.
I could have gone into what a work ethic I have...blah blah blah....and some of that is true....I do as good a job as I can even in the dark and cold hold one has to work in in order to DO the panning...AND because the shapes are much like clay shapes....I can get a small satisfaction from doing something somewhat familiar.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Got Him!
12:45pm
I am just home from work. I just read the paper. I just read about Foley and the boys. I just read how the Bush admin.has been covering up. All we can think about is how finally the hypocracy of that government is exposed.
All I can say is: KKKKKKKKaaaaaachhhhing! Finally!
All I can say also is: whoever is "messing" with this blog....and that is a nice way to put it, had better smarten up.
I am just home from work. I just read the paper. I just read about Foley and the boys. I just read how the Bush admin.has been covering up. All we can think about is how finally the hypocracy of that government is exposed.
All I can say is: KKKKKKKKaaaaaachhhhing! Finally!
All I can say also is: whoever is "messing" with this blog....and that is a nice way to put it, had better smarten up.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Dinner with Jason
9:00pm
A little longer than the usual which is usually short and sweet....so to speak. A very nice dinner. A very nice door. A very nice hockey game. A very nice dish washing. A very nice doggy bag. Thank you Jason for the very nice birthday present. Hope to see you again soon.
I would like to post some photos again. I really enjoy that. I keep forgetting to take my camera places though. (and I would only post neutral photos anyway....so not to worry y'all).....(if anyone is worried that is).
A little longer than the usual which is usually short and sweet....so to speak. A very nice dinner. A very nice door. A very nice hockey game. A very nice dish washing. A very nice doggy bag. Thank you Jason for the very nice birthday present. Hope to see you again soon.
I would like to post some photos again. I really enjoy that. I keep forgetting to take my camera places though. (and I would only post neutral photos anyway....so not to worry y'all).....(if anyone is worried that is).
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Rye Bread and Roasted Red Peppers
11:00am
I am trying to make this into a pottery making day. It is the first of two days off in a row from the Bakery Job.
However.......this morning I have made a nice loaf of rye bread in my breadmaker and I just finished roasting the three red peppers I had reserved for this purpose. They blackened nicely because I was looking at photos from a site someone had sent me and also they were left in the paper bag long enough to be cool to handle. Some blueberries are on the counter thawing out to go with the yogurt I made the other night.
So a nice experience all the way round.
Now to get back to my little table in the middle of my living room.
I am trying to make this into a pottery making day. It is the first of two days off in a row from the Bakery Job.
However.......this morning I have made a nice loaf of rye bread in my breadmaker and I just finished roasting the three red peppers I had reserved for this purpose. They blackened nicely because I was looking at photos from a site someone had sent me and also they were left in the paper bag long enough to be cool to handle. Some blueberries are on the counter thawing out to go with the yogurt I made the other night.
So a nice experience all the way round.
Now to get back to my little table in the middle of my living room.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
A Scary Evening on TV
9:00pm
I have another topic I wanted to talk about too...but I must comment on what I see is the fallout from the actions of that "............" to the south of us who is the head of the country so located, and who has created so much pain and suffering for so many people by his ignorant, disgusting greed and arrogance.
First there was Avi and the discussion on the film on Global Warming. That scared the hell out of me. I don't know why people can't see how this is going to effect us all.
And now this programme on all the money that has been stolen from the so-called fund to be set up to 're-build' Iraq. I could go on and on about the evil morality and greed involved in this awful scenario but what really really worries me is how this is totally going to impact all of us here. There can be no other reaction. All those people in Iraq who are living under such inhumane conditions...all CAUSED.....by the lust for oil. All the people whose homes have been destroyed, whose familes have been killed, whose means of living have been eliminated. And they (the U.S. govt.) have the nerve to give us this false story about all the 'hospitals' they have built. All the medical 'help' they are giving. What a joke.
They are creating bomber after bomber. It is so so sad. It is so so awful. It is so so unjust. How can people here believe these lies. I am so so glad that at least SOMEONE is attempting to give another side to the REAL PICTURE of what is happening...although I am sure they have to be so so careful about how anything is worded. I noticed behind one of the leaders of the so-called fund, that Frank Willis guy, he had a ceramic medievil knight on the shelf behind him. Now what was that trying to say I wonder. As if we didn't know.
It is also so obvious that there is very little time to get the word out about PEACE. The only peace that will really make a dent in any of this shit. I, myself, have had a personal experience that it is in fact possible. That one can go from true hatred to totally having that slate wiped clean and becoming transformed into a new perspective. A real perspective that comes from your heart about what is real in this world.
As long as all this shit is left to the political people, it will continue to be a conflict, over and over again. It has been thus for as long as anyone can remember. Religion is not the answer. All of them have the same fanatical grasping for 'rightness'....(notice it is not 'rightousness'....at least not in any way that the latter word has its true meaning and understanding...which is not to say that it couldn't have, given any real understanding.
So I hope my spelling and typos are not too bad on this one. I will check it later.
I have had this premonition for many years....based on fear of course...and perhaps that is the point...of a major disaster happening here on the prairies. One created by man. As usual, perhaps it will be one created by our own home-grown 'terrorists'....those that have office....those that create suffering in THEIR OWN NESTS....by disrespecting the envionment and mankind....and by being unable to say they don't know everything and by not being able to see that WE ARE MORE ALIKE on a human level than we are unalike on their MANUFACTURED POLITICAL PLATFORM fueled by greed and blindness. I have read that it is only man who shits in his own den. Baby doggies don't do that. Or the mother helps of course...but doggies don't do that.
I hope that I am wrong about my fear-based vision. I should know better than to even entertain the scenario.
I guess what I feel the most is EMBARRASSMENT that I have to live on the western hemisphere and so be included by the majority of the people who view us, with those who chooses to see nothing as being wrong....who feel they are only defending their 'rights'. Do they not see that the others are 'defending their rights too'? I do not want to side with any of the ones who do anyone harm, for any reason. I do not want to 'take sides'. All sides who harm to their own kind need to have a reality check. This also includes as well, and especially, the animals...who are also truley defenceless. The poor pigs who were burned the other day. The poor tigers who will not be around. The poor people in a middle east country who will indiscriminantly be blown up today. The poor soldiers who miss their loving families and are so far away from them. They are all very very brave.
I want people to know there is ANOTHER WAY.
I have another topic I wanted to talk about too...but I must comment on what I see is the fallout from the actions of that "............" to the south of us who is the head of the country so located, and who has created so much pain and suffering for so many people by his ignorant, disgusting greed and arrogance.
First there was Avi and the discussion on the film on Global Warming. That scared the hell out of me. I don't know why people can't see how this is going to effect us all.
And now this programme on all the money that has been stolen from the so-called fund to be set up to 're-build' Iraq. I could go on and on about the evil morality and greed involved in this awful scenario but what really really worries me is how this is totally going to impact all of us here. There can be no other reaction. All those people in Iraq who are living under such inhumane conditions...all CAUSED.....by the lust for oil. All the people whose homes have been destroyed, whose familes have been killed, whose means of living have been eliminated. And they (the U.S. govt.) have the nerve to give us this false story about all the 'hospitals' they have built. All the medical 'help' they are giving. What a joke.
They are creating bomber after bomber. It is so so sad. It is so so awful. It is so so unjust. How can people here believe these lies. I am so so glad that at least SOMEONE is attempting to give another side to the REAL PICTURE of what is happening...although I am sure they have to be so so careful about how anything is worded. I noticed behind one of the leaders of the so-called fund, that Frank Willis guy, he had a ceramic medievil knight on the shelf behind him. Now what was that trying to say I wonder. As if we didn't know.
It is also so obvious that there is very little time to get the word out about PEACE. The only peace that will really make a dent in any of this shit. I, myself, have had a personal experience that it is in fact possible. That one can go from true hatred to totally having that slate wiped clean and becoming transformed into a new perspective. A real perspective that comes from your heart about what is real in this world.
As long as all this shit is left to the political people, it will continue to be a conflict, over and over again. It has been thus for as long as anyone can remember. Religion is not the answer. All of them have the same fanatical grasping for 'rightness'....(notice it is not 'rightousness'....at least not in any way that the latter word has its true meaning and understanding...which is not to say that it couldn't have, given any real understanding.
So I hope my spelling and typos are not too bad on this one. I will check it later.
I have had this premonition for many years....based on fear of course...and perhaps that is the point...of a major disaster happening here on the prairies. One created by man. As usual, perhaps it will be one created by our own home-grown 'terrorists'....those that have office....those that create suffering in THEIR OWN NESTS....by disrespecting the envionment and mankind....and by being unable to say they don't know everything and by not being able to see that WE ARE MORE ALIKE on a human level than we are unalike on their MANUFACTURED POLITICAL PLATFORM fueled by greed and blindness. I have read that it is only man who shits in his own den. Baby doggies don't do that. Or the mother helps of course...but doggies don't do that.
I hope that I am wrong about my fear-based vision. I should know better than to even entertain the scenario.
I guess what I feel the most is EMBARRASSMENT that I have to live on the western hemisphere and so be included by the majority of the people who view us, with those who chooses to see nothing as being wrong....who feel they are only defending their 'rights'. Do they not see that the others are 'defending their rights too'? I do not want to side with any of the ones who do anyone harm, for any reason. I do not want to 'take sides'. All sides who harm to their own kind need to have a reality check. This also includes as well, and especially, the animals...who are also truley defenceless. The poor pigs who were burned the other day. The poor tigers who will not be around. The poor people in a middle east country who will indiscriminantly be blown up today. The poor soldiers who miss their loving families and are so far away from them. They are all very very brave.
I want people to know there is ANOTHER WAY.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)