Melt Down

This afternoon at work can only be described as a MELT DOWN. Whether it is because of any Autism issues, or whether it was because of the neglect from my family, or whether it was because all the others were 'meeting you after work' with no invitations to go anywhere to me (even though I have been there four months). The last event was some of the cause of the melt down but most of the melt down was because of absolute exhaustion having been up every hour on the hour last night. Also the stress was so much today I was pissing myself all day, literaly, even though I went to the bathroom as much as I thought I had to go. So this added to my stress. And I couldn't see because the writing is too small for me on a lot of the boxes and because my glasses were clouding over in the freezer. (That was exceptionally frustrating. Blind and pissing myself.)

The main cause, though, was my thinking about what my brother has done. How he has not in the tiniest given way in the area of transparency and openess in regard to my mother's estate..or anything else. Another example of his manipulative shit: He left a message...(the only one in 50 years)..about "are you going to join us". So it was not left for me in an sincere and real way. So..so many assumptions...no address, no time, nothing .....BUT PAR FOR THE COURSE. I know if I did go it would be like other Christmases when I have made the effort...(unlike him who makes zero effort)....and I would have been left to fend for myself...CAN YOU BELIEVE SUCH RUDENESS AND SHIT.....in his house...by myself...all day....UNTIL...he takes it upon himself to show up after he has had all the visiting, etc...AND AFTER ANYONE (that being myself) is at all INTERESTED AND ARE FEELING TOTALY SHITTY FROM THE NEGLECT.

He has not made the least attempt to come here to see where I am now living. HOW FUCKING DENEGRADING AND TRIPPING. How DISREGARDING IS THAT. And he likes to think of himself as the GREAT COUNSELLOR...you can bet on it. Total ego.

So mostly that is why today I had the melt down....just bawled my eyes out in the freezer...because I had to do the night panning as well as the day panning because at least two people didn't show up...so extra physical stress on top of already physical stress from no sleep....and this is after we are totally short staffed to begin with...and it was too much for me...on no sleep..with no one to go home to...no hugs from anyone....no positive shit for me...nothing.....just the usual, where I have to gather it all from my own self.

And sometimes I'm just a little bit tired of doing that.

So I have had two days of crying at work. I can't take this bull shit any more. This is just slave work. For what. What do they give back to me. Nothing. Even that person from produce who had the audacity to ASSUME I needed to go to his recovery shit.....which in itself is nothing but an insult..since he did that without even any attempt of getting to know me (therefore i would have to assume that 'someone else' sicced him on me, so to speak....he was saying I was way too fat...(which I am but for many reasons...more than he would even be able to consider). NO ...that was all he did....he did not ask me to go with them at lunch like he does others in the bakery. It just means they are of the same ilk, (the ones that went together).

And ignorant on top of it. Since I have discovered that they will not accept any 'ideas' except their own.

Totally Miserable

I don't usually like to write about this stuff. I have been trying to keep this blog 'positive'.....therefore, extracting those tiny moments where one can see the reason for being alive.

Today, however, has been so painful from the moment I first woke up...having to take an Asperin before I even got going. This, in spite of meditating for 45 minutes before I went to work. So one little thing and I was too vulnerable...and so ended up crying for most of the morning...at the back...where most people can't see me.

Mostly I feel this unhappiness is caused by the 'men' in my life. My brother, my son, my ex-lover. All of them are gamey and of the same ILK. Therefore power tripping too. All of them hurt me very deeply over the holiday season. I have tried not to feel it up until now....but it is there....lurking just below the surface. It is hard to know how to overcome this disgusting Asperger wall created by my brother. My son has the same reaction whenever something good is given to him by me...unexpectedly. My ex just continues along contaminating every relationship he has with his gamey bull.

So basically I feel so powerless and 'tripped' upon.

I have been considering taking counsel. Legal. And other.

Missed Opportunites

I am famous for missing opportunities. Especially if there is conflict involved....or the threat of conflict. Such was the case last night. After running into someone who had invited a discussion I "chickened out". It was probably another missed opportunity for me to 'discuss' issues that are keeping me from have a good night's rest, among other things.

To jump to another, but similar topic, today is a birthday for someone in this building. I decided the other day to make a cake. So I had better get busy, eh? (They say 'eh' in Canada). I am 'trying' to make the most of things.

Only those things of the heart can fill me up at all though. That seems to be lacking here. But I will learn what I can.

These 'posts' are getting very very boring. I seem to have lost my 'edge'.

Faux Pas

They should not let me out.....at social occasions I mean. I always always always always always always mess up. I cried all the way home. Just like the little piggy I suppose.

I am totally unable to make the 'transitions'. It is the Aspergers. (And maybe Alziemers for all I know). Always always I am flying blind. Hoping against hope to be able to 'read' the cues. But always always always always I mess up. It is always in the "leavings". The "comings" seem to be easy to navigate...although this one had questionable elements to it as well.

So there we were. We had said our 'good-byes'. And I couldn't 'get to the door'. We ended up in a totally new and undesired 'conversation'.

I should not be 'let out'. Unaccompanied at any rate. If there is someone to direct the exits. Someone who knows what is going on. And how would that ever happen. So it is hopeless.

I know people mean well. But there are so many contradictions and conflicting interests to deal with. They don't know what they are up against. I know I sound like I know what is going on....only I don't.

Also there is the 'heart' vs. 'head' issue. Many people want to know about the 'heart'. They just get it mixed up with their 'head'.

Corrections

It is Christmas Day. My son came over last night for a nice ham and scalloped potato dinner. I worked till 5pm and then got the dinner in for 7:30pm. This morning I had ham and eggs. An unusual event. He was invited also but seemed to be sleeping in...so I left a message.

Mick phoned last night...to give me the names of the songs on his CD, "Gold Rays". I had emailed him to ask if he would do that so there are names not just track numbers.

I asked him to take another look at the Blog. So in re-reading it for myself I have come across 'errors'. So I have corrected them, Mick, if you get this message. I know it would probably drive you crazy to see them there...most of them are typos though, eh. For some sentences I have changed the wording.

That is the problem with publishing right way....rather than waiting a few days. But that is always the choice. Do I communicate immediately while the feeling is 'fresh'....or do I wait and do the 'corrections'. Always a fine line of silliness.

Beer and No Body

So I just thought I would mention as well...that I have had a beer....I have one once in a while. And today being Friday...many people are 'out on the town'. Not that I , being an Aspergers person, know what that even means....but they are all sitting around gabbing, laughing, etc.

Not that I am feeling sorry for myself. I have just finished writing a much overdue letter to my darling cousins...spurred on by a lovely card and note from one of them. All to arrive at an untimely time, though...after Christmas. Hopefully not too long after Christmas. One would think I was taking after my mother, who now has an excuse for not doing any cards until three days before the BIG DAY.

Me, on the other hand, who have usually been very good as sending cards... am usually in the 'Christmas Mood' around the end of November, beginning of December and by this time have pretty much run out of gas. So no cards for me this year. I did keep a record of ones that I received 'in the old days'...even as little time ago as three years ago. But not one card this year...oh wrong...a very nice note from two friends not far away....and one recent one from someone not far from here in the city. (and another has arrived under the door, now).

But today, when I was just going into work...there was Jim talking to my supervisor (for some reason)...I just smiled...he looked startled to see that I had been watching him...and I ran into an old lady, with the blue racks, by mistake. Not good.

So like I said...there he is....buying food and making plans to have a dinner or something of the sort with someone else...not me. And there he is...getting away with everthing. And there he is....still in his stupid little gamey fantasy world where all the 'followers' believe his lies...and well we all know the truth. How convenient. To make out he 'can't talk to me'. How convenient. How convenient to hurt me further at this time of year when 'old friends' get together. Not that it would be good for me. I know that. Look what happened the last time I let him in. Look what happened to Henry. It took over a year to get him out of the house, when he was just using me until Penny could make up her mind, and then I lost everything.

But having a beer...well sometimes it would be nice to have that same kind of interaction. It was fun until the last part. But I can't do it here--the interaction I mean. I can't do chit-chat. There has to be a deeper understanding. And that is what I had with Jim. Because of the Knowledge. Just shows...all types can receive it. Doesn't do anything for the outside world. It is only for the inside. And anyone who has received it, knows instantly that if they converse with someone else who has received it, they can share something very deep with that other person. Even when that person is so different from themselves. That is an amazing feat. That is one aspect of Knowledge.

Not too many things can be said about that in this world.

Ingrid's Paintings

I am posting some of the photos of paintings I took for my friend, Ingrid, a couple of weeks ago. Time goes so quickly. I may add more later. I hope she doesn't mind. I will have to tell her to look. These are ones I remember her doing when we shared studio space in the old warehouse building before I moved my studio to the garage at my old house.
Connie, her daughter is giving a concert in Moose Jaw in January and so Ingrid is having an exhibition of her paintings at the same time. I really really love "A Poodle in Paris". It is from the book by Connie of the same name. It was given to me, a signed copy by Connie, when she came to pick up the CD of Ingrid's paintings...in exchange. I also like the song: "I Love That Dog". I play the CD a lot. Anyone can sing along.

Cup Cakes and Sweet Violin Music

I almost forgot to mention what I have spent a lot of time doing over the last few days.....making cup cakes. A number of weeks ago I came across some cup cake papers with gingerbread figures and trees on them...thinking I would give them away to someone...but I got in the mood. And now I have given away most of the cup cakes that I made.

But just in time, I remembered to take a photo. And...I am listening to the "Gold Rays" cd of Steven Michael Berzensky and Rob Penner. The violin is intoxicating.

So I will include a photo of the remaining cupcakes. And a photo of that snow fall from a short while ago. And I will continue to enjoy the music.

New Posts Not Very Interesting

12:30pm
Anyone coming to this blog at this time of the year will find it hard pickings I am afraid. Not much to say. Even I am bored. Not as interesting as the ones in September and October. I guess its a matter of: 'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".....no, not really, just kidding.

But it is a very stressful time of the year...for many people. Shouldn't be...but often is.

Apple Sauce, Roasted Red Peppers and Invitations

11:16am
So far the morning has brought some nice surprises.

Why Would They Do That

Why wouldn't they just say "I Love Your Blog" or "I Hate Your Blog"....or leave a 'comment' for me to read on my Blog. This doesn't make any sense....in any real human way. All this subterfuge. What for.

Friend or Foe, I Don't Know

4:16pm
.......thou preparest a table before me.......Amen.

What for, is my question

This is my question. And Why? What's it to You. Those people who want to make double panes of what I write here. My activities. They are totally innocent, simple and filled with love and hope. As much as I can make them anyway. Unlike your own activities which would appear to be filled with crap, suspicion, malicious harrassment, etc. etc. etc.

If anything, I am hopeful that you might 'get something' out of these subterraneous activities. You might learn what you are missing. After all, you can't touch it. In me anyway. It is MINE. And you, and all the others, can't take it from me. You can't hack that.

Ahhhh.....there is another Asperger's joke. Hope you like it.

"Get Busy Getting Wet"

This is the last day and few hours of my two days off. I still want to listen again to the talk called "Listening" from the Keys Three. I have been a little tired for the last couple of hours. I am trying to get my place in order. Got the little fibre optic tree up that I got. It would have felt better to have gotten the one that was left on the hall exchange table a few weeks ago as it would have seemed like a gift. But such are my ways....and so hard to 'modify', even with some conscientiousness. Small silly errands to do today and forgetting the main one...taking something to someone.

I am listening to Mick's songs now..with Rob Penner's accompaniment on the violin. It is from his CD, "Gold Rays"...songs he has written from 1982 to 2003 I think it said. It was remastered by Gord Braun in Yorkton. He is talking about the same things as Prem Rawat was talking about in the excerpt. Finding that place inside yourself. Mick and Rob have gotten that 'sweet' sense of longing down perfectly.

So, Prem Rawat said in the excerpt something about there is the thunder, the lightening, the wind..and then there is the rain... "and the message is: get busy getting wet".

I have been trying to do that. With a lot of help of course.

A Job Shouldn't Hurt

I am going to write the same thing I just wrote in my journal. I have been laying down for a few minutes....meditating and trying to get the pain out of my legs and body.

This is what has come to me: A JOB SHOULDN'T HURT.

That is MY bottom line.

Beyond the Pale

I have been pushed beyond my endurance level....and we will only talk about the physical aspect, not the emotional aspect, for this post. I am not going to put up with being pushed beyond endurance and into pain. That is the bottom line. They have no right to 'use' me like this. This is not, in the vaguest way, what I was told the job would entail.

This to me just reinforces my 'suspicion' that this so-called job is nothing but a sham and platform for a particular group of people to entertain themselves with their 'back door' activities. They seem to hire only certain 'types' of people anyway.

And then....when I blow because of the PAIN I am in...they turn around and accuse me of 'being the problem'. Even when I have to deal with passive aggressives who are too gutless and afraid to talk to me directly and so sabotage me , others who are totally immature and hence manipulative beyond belief, others who are in total denial.

That is the height of abuse. I have been suspicious before and now it is time that I should believe what I, myself, can see. I should believe in myself in other words that what I see is correct. Since most of these people are 'back door' types....and have no knowledge of their own hearts (although they can be shown their own hearts, their own selves...if they would care to know about that)...it is difficult to 'see' anything at the 'back door'....because you have to be in your heart to see anything that is real.

Deck the Halls a Third Time

Well...I had HOPED to 'deck the halls'. I had volunteered to HELP 'deck the halls'. I definately WANTED to 'deck the halls'. But the only one who got 'decked', it looks like, was me. 'Decked' in the modern colloquial meaning of the word. Meaning I was totally laid flat...emotionally and physically...by demands from a job that does not even fulfill my needs. I missed out on any meagre Christmas activities in my own building that would add to any possible enjoyment of this time of year. I missed out on an opportunity to demonstrate some 'social' desire to 'bond'. Everyone else is interacting and 'friendshipping'....except me...who has no one as usual.

So I am the only one who was DECKED.

I have been driven beyond the pale of human expectations, and certainly beyond what most people even at that job are expected to 'put out'.

I am not part of the leather crowd, after all. I do not enjoy pain....or convert it into some warped pleasure.

It's Not Home But It Has Its Advantages

This has been going through my head this evening. It is what Gwen replied when asked how it was to be living here at Cedar Wood Manor. I thought that was an apt reply...very astute as they say.

It does not 'feel' like it did to be in my own place. That is a somewhat discomforting feeling even when one is attempting to surrender to 'what one can't change', at least for the time being.

On the other hand, Prem Rawat is now talking about the real home..the one I have been to before...and which I am being taken to again..through this process of The Keys. I know my real home is inside. I am going to be learning to trust. Much needed.

Addendum:
I am trying the posting of a tiff...from a card I got for my mom.....not totally funny...but it does show how most people look to me...most of the time....(some of the time).

Deck the Halls Again

I was feeling somewhat whoosy this morning at 5:30am and should have called in sick. Because of the lack of proper staffing, I felt guilty that if I did not show up it would be very 'hard' for everyone else. Unfortuneately, it turned out to be me who found it very 'hard' today. Everyone else was chatting away to each other....doing the 'small talk'...slacking off...enjoying themselves. I felt very left out. I also felt I had more work than I could handle, for it being the third day in a row, at my age, and with these very long shifts. I just ran out of gas. And I felt imposed upon because it was the usual Sunday thing.

And...I missed helping with the decorations...in the main part of the building.....so I should have gone with my first thoughts...which were to not show up for work because I had intestinal problems. No one else is that diligent I don't think...except a few maybe.

The hall downstairs looks really nice. There are going to be Christmas trees all over the place. My neighbour has tried to organize some people who like singing Christmas Carols. They practice on Saturdays...so yesterday I heard them when I came home from my break. I don't feel Christmasy yet but at least there is some activity in that area.

I have some definate health issues...and sometimes I have been getting freaked out thinking about what the future holds in that area. I feel exceptionally stressed with this job. The only advantage is I do see people now and again....if that is an advantage.

This is a dumb post...so I may not post it. There is no law that says I have to post all of them. Also I noticed when you come into look at the blog from the old url you only get old posts...from August. I am not sure how to access the new blog I guess.