Well..I guess it is time I added another post...after my 'layoff' on October 10th I have been very preoccupied with trying to get a new job. Nobody wants to hire me. I am getting pretty pissed. It is not as if I don't have the credentials, especially for certain things. And very disparate things too, I might add. I should really call it: "The Curse of the Gay Guys". But that would just piss them off even more. Toooooo bad, is what I say to that.
All they have on the news is how bad it is in the economy...and yet people are buying. Well, we ain't seen nothing yet. Just like I said it would be way last year when all the real estate mucky mucks were squacking about their profits and the young punks at the banks were dilerious as they raked in their ill-gotten gains.
I had definately hoped that I would be saying I was employed as we went into this very bad time. I was willing to put up with anything, even the pain of working at that call center.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Thank God for Something Real
4:07pm
Gentle = Strong
Humble = Rich
Simple = Smart
Unfortunately, (as they say in the call centre lingo) all of that desire to follow the best path, can go out the window when faced with a caller (real...or fake as in this case)...when a caller is mean-spirited, rude and obnoxious...as one was today...just because they have the power to be mean-spirited, rude and obnoxious. And hurtful as it was, I stooped to defending myself with an outburst.
And then they come and poison the well..which only confirmed my suspicions about the source.
If this sounds too cryptic to you...well!...you go figure it out. Pardon me for noticing.
Gentle = Strong
Humble = Rich
Simple = Smart
Unfortunately, (as they say in the call centre lingo) all of that desire to follow the best path, can go out the window when faced with a caller (real...or fake as in this case)...when a caller is mean-spirited, rude and obnoxious...as one was today...just because they have the power to be mean-spirited, rude and obnoxious. And hurtful as it was, I stooped to defending myself with an outburst.
And then they come and poison the well..which only confirmed my suspicions about the source.
If this sounds too cryptic to you...well!...you go figure it out. Pardon me for noticing.
What a Difference Art Makes
September 19, 2008 (Friday)
5:25pm
What a respite.
What an island.
What a sanctuary.
What a difference.
What a blessing art is.
I just dropped by the Gallery after work tonight so that I could register for a workshop that is offered. I could cry because I am so grateful for infusion of peace and beauty. What a wonderful artist is Wendy Peart. What a wonderful exhibition. How well done in its conception and understanding, is the art.
How much I miss the enjoyment, fulfillment and sense of purpose art provides to a person.
9:45pm
I see people have been mucking about in my computer again. I really don't care anymore. I can't do anything about their morals. Obviously they are just into controlling for the sake of it and for their own gain. But what can do about that even.
I have had a very rough day today. I had a lot of 'new' learning opportunities to take care of....and sure, very slow. There are also a lot of 'computer' issues also...on top of my slowness, The two together make for a lot. I know that I can get very good though, given time. Time is of the essence....(as they say). In more ways than anyone knows.
11:28pm
I have been trying to sleep for the past hour. Can't shut off my brain. Very exhausted. Worried about everything...and nothing here to soothe anything. Not a person who cares. Not a dog to love. Worried about my mother. Knowing she is probably going through the same thing. Very worried about the job. Anxiety thinking about it really. Mistakenly didn't sign off at closing time and got a call. (or maybe not mistakenly as the case may be). It was an issue I had not dealt with since class perhaps. One has to get the dates correct also or the programme won't accept changes. had to find help when all of my own team had gone home already. And there are protocols to follow, obviously, because people were avoiding me.
And I don't know what the protocols are. Need an advocate. I am considering asking someone at ARC.
Midnight
Finally I looked on the website Mspeaks and downloaded the webcast. And took a tylenol, and finally got a really good sleep.
5:25pm
What a respite.
What an island.
What a sanctuary.
What a difference.
What a blessing art is.
I just dropped by the Gallery after work tonight so that I could register for a workshop that is offered. I could cry because I am so grateful for infusion of peace and beauty. What a wonderful artist is Wendy Peart. What a wonderful exhibition. How well done in its conception and understanding, is the art.
How much I miss the enjoyment, fulfillment and sense of purpose art provides to a person.
9:45pm
I see people have been mucking about in my computer again. I really don't care anymore. I can't do anything about their morals. Obviously they are just into controlling for the sake of it and for their own gain. But what can do about that even.
I have had a very rough day today. I had a lot of 'new' learning opportunities to take care of....and sure, very slow. There are also a lot of 'computer' issues also...on top of my slowness, The two together make for a lot. I know that I can get very good though, given time. Time is of the essence....(as they say). In more ways than anyone knows.
11:28pm
I have been trying to sleep for the past hour. Can't shut off my brain. Very exhausted. Worried about everything...and nothing here to soothe anything. Not a person who cares. Not a dog to love. Worried about my mother. Knowing she is probably going through the same thing. Very worried about the job. Anxiety thinking about it really. Mistakenly didn't sign off at closing time and got a call. (or maybe not mistakenly as the case may be). It was an issue I had not dealt with since class perhaps. One has to get the dates correct also or the programme won't accept changes. had to find help when all of my own team had gone home already. And there are protocols to follow, obviously, because people were avoiding me.
And I don't know what the protocols are. Need an advocate. I am considering asking someone at ARC.
Midnight
Finally I looked on the website Mspeaks and downloaded the webcast. And took a tylenol, and finally got a really good sleep.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Acknowledgment-Always: from September 4, 2008
September 4, 2008 (thurs.)
8:30am
Well...today is not like yesterday. That often happens. They want me to be ‘pumped’ at work. I definately appreciate the assistance and encouragement I have been having from various people. Yesterday was a ‘god-send’, quite literally. I always disappoint myself, and I suppose everyone else, by not responding in the expected and appropriate manner, as defined by the culture. And so today I feel let-down and perhaps a little guilty....for not seeing the whole picture, in a timely and acknowledging manner.
In fact, today I am totally exhausted again, because after being ‘somewhat’ pumped, one is unable to wind-down and get to bed at an appropriate hour. This, in spite of listening to the newly created web-cast of the event on Sunday from Thousand Oaks. Prem Rawat was so wonderful, as usual. He talked about everything that is happening in my own life...right now. All my concerns. All my worries.
You see....he ACKNOWLEDGES what is true. ALWAYS.
AND...as usual....he brings the focus back to where it needs to be....to the only solution....the only solace....the only place to go, basically. Because, as he says...how kind is someone...and he is not referring to himself (as some people often think)...but how kind is someone to ‘just leave notes’ to remind us of the ‘rocks ahead’....to remind us of ‘the ditches ahead’. Just notes. That someone does not take them away...but just leaves ‘notes’.
And the reason, people who have received the Knowledge that Prem Rawat offers, appreciate and come to love him so much...is that nowhere else in this whole world...is there anyone who is capable (and capable being defined as being able to deliver what is promised)...and continues to give so much of himself to remind all that will listen....of what life is truely about.
And yesterday, I, myself, experienced all that I needed to experience...for my own well-being. And thank you to all for your efforts.
The other side of the ‘coin’ will be discussed at a later time....I suppose. My observations around the rest of his talk and my own observations as they apply to my own life....well, I am a little afraid to mention them here. Now. How about that? It is that bullying element again. That ‘recovery’ element again. And....ooopps ...there I go again. So I will stop. Right now.
Having AS...it is very very difficult....not to tell the truth. That is a documented trait of having AS. It is part of the vulnerablity encompassed in the syndrome. Like last week when it was obvious that lies were coming out of everyones mouths. Everywhere I looked. Unlike on the Webcast...where coloured processing rings seemed to pop up in particular areas of the webcast, most appropriately...perhaps intentionally by the people who made it all happen...or not. At any rate, I, myself, totally appreciated that element. I am sure I am not the only one who did.
8:30am
Well...today is not like yesterday. That often happens. They want me to be ‘pumped’ at work. I definately appreciate the assistance and encouragement I have been having from various people. Yesterday was a ‘god-send’, quite literally. I always disappoint myself, and I suppose everyone else, by not responding in the expected and appropriate manner, as defined by the culture. And so today I feel let-down and perhaps a little guilty....for not seeing the whole picture, in a timely and acknowledging manner.
In fact, today I am totally exhausted again, because after being ‘somewhat’ pumped, one is unable to wind-down and get to bed at an appropriate hour. This, in spite of listening to the newly created web-cast of the event on Sunday from Thousand Oaks. Prem Rawat was so wonderful, as usual. He talked about everything that is happening in my own life...right now. All my concerns. All my worries.
You see....he ACKNOWLEDGES what is true. ALWAYS.
AND...as usual....he brings the focus back to where it needs to be....to the only solution....the only solace....the only place to go, basically. Because, as he says...how kind is someone...and he is not referring to himself (as some people often think)...but how kind is someone to ‘just leave notes’ to remind us of the ‘rocks ahead’....to remind us of ‘the ditches ahead’. Just notes. That someone does not take them away...but just leaves ‘notes’.
And the reason, people who have received the Knowledge that Prem Rawat offers, appreciate and come to love him so much...is that nowhere else in this whole world...is there anyone who is capable (and capable being defined as being able to deliver what is promised)...and continues to give so much of himself to remind all that will listen....of what life is truely about.
And yesterday, I, myself, experienced all that I needed to experience...for my own well-being. And thank you to all for your efforts.
The other side of the ‘coin’ will be discussed at a later time....I suppose. My observations around the rest of his talk and my own observations as they apply to my own life....well, I am a little afraid to mention them here. Now. How about that? It is that bullying element again. That ‘recovery’ element again. And....ooopps ...there I go again. So I will stop. Right now.
Having AS...it is very very difficult....not to tell the truth. That is a documented trait of having AS. It is part of the vulnerablity encompassed in the syndrome. Like last week when it was obvious that lies were coming out of everyones mouths. Everywhere I looked. Unlike on the Webcast...where coloured processing rings seemed to pop up in particular areas of the webcast, most appropriately...perhaps intentionally by the people who made it all happen...or not. At any rate, I, myself, totally appreciated that element. I am sure I am not the only one who did.
Great Day: from September 3, 2008
September 3, 2008 (Wed)
9:00pm (or there abouts)
This has been a great day!! I think I should enter that fact in my blog..Which I might as a matter of fact. I just LOVE my new ‘toy’. I have never really had a ‘toy’, like so many people.
It surpasses any expectations I had for it.!!!!
I would have to say....and this is going to be “something” coming from me, I know....that I am even having a little ‘fun’ with it....even in my restricted use of it. (Restricted because of ‘issues’ that need resolving.) I can see that this is going to revolutionize ‘computing’.
My only reservation is that perhaps I should have stayed with my original purchase, but we will see.
For a long time now, I have been commenting about how this present time that we live in, is not different from about 200 years ago...in ‘social’ terms I mean. I have noticed how nothing much has changed, if you read history and look at the early part of the ‘Industrial Revolution’ in the 19th Century. I have often felt an empathy for the weavers and factory workers in what was then referred to as the British Isles. When I was in my 20’s I used to wonder how those young women (and often much older) worked those awful long hours shackled to the whims of the owners. I have often looked at those old photos, taken later in the 19th and early part of the 20th Century, of the ‘girls’ who ‘manned’ the ‘telephone exchanges’ and wondered about their lives and if they were ‘happy’.
Someone on TV was ‘debating’...oh yeah...it was the Chief Research Officer from Microsoft yet!.....about his take on the ‘Information Revolution’...stating it didn’t exist. I sort of lost him about three quarters of the way through because he was not coming to a point. But I also noticed that he is a ‘divergent thinker’...just like me.....and probably has AS too.....so I found that quite amusing. But anyway my point is that socially and economically things are totally the same. The form has just changed.
And....I was thinking yesterday...(unlike today when I was enjoying my day and only had a few moments to digress into such topics....that Bill Gates might be likened to Dale Carnegie, especially now that he is devoting his time to his Foundation...and the Steve Jobs...will be likened (when the future generations, if we get that far and look back at this time)...that he might be likened to Nelson Rockerfeller....or Henry Ford...in the impact they will have, over their lifetimes on our collective cultures in this world.
...and the bottom line of all of this is that, inside us all, is the capacity to enjoy our lives and that the new inventions and changes on the outside have no bearing on that, or only momentarily...and that the gift of life given to us by the ultimate creator.... shines through all things. We only need to enjoy.
9:00pm (or there abouts)
This has been a great day!! I think I should enter that fact in my blog..Which I might as a matter of fact. I just LOVE my new ‘toy’. I have never really had a ‘toy’, like so many people.
It surpasses any expectations I had for it.!!!!
I would have to say....and this is going to be “something” coming from me, I know....that I am even having a little ‘fun’ with it....even in my restricted use of it. (Restricted because of ‘issues’ that need resolving.) I can see that this is going to revolutionize ‘computing’.
My only reservation is that perhaps I should have stayed with my original purchase, but we will see.
For a long time now, I have been commenting about how this present time that we live in, is not different from about 200 years ago...in ‘social’ terms I mean. I have noticed how nothing much has changed, if you read history and look at the early part of the ‘Industrial Revolution’ in the 19th Century. I have often felt an empathy for the weavers and factory workers in what was then referred to as the British Isles. When I was in my 20’s I used to wonder how those young women (and often much older) worked those awful long hours shackled to the whims of the owners. I have often looked at those old photos, taken later in the 19th and early part of the 20th Century, of the ‘girls’ who ‘manned’ the ‘telephone exchanges’ and wondered about their lives and if they were ‘happy’.
Someone on TV was ‘debating’...oh yeah...it was the Chief Research Officer from Microsoft yet!.....about his take on the ‘Information Revolution’...stating it didn’t exist. I sort of lost him about three quarters of the way through because he was not coming to a point. But I also noticed that he is a ‘divergent thinker’...just like me.....and probably has AS too.....so I found that quite amusing. But anyway my point is that socially and economically things are totally the same. The form has just changed.
And....I was thinking yesterday...(unlike today when I was enjoying my day and only had a few moments to digress into such topics....that Bill Gates might be likened to Dale Carnegie, especially now that he is devoting his time to his Foundation...and the Steve Jobs...will be likened (when the future generations, if we get that far and look back at this time)...that he might be likened to Nelson Rockerfeller....or Henry Ford...in the impact they will have, over their lifetimes on our collective cultures in this world.
...and the bottom line of all of this is that, inside us all, is the capacity to enjoy our lives and that the new inventions and changes on the outside have no bearing on that, or only momentarily...and that the gift of life given to us by the ultimate creator.... shines through all things. We only need to enjoy.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Busy Day
I was not a work today because I had to go to the dentist. I am always very happy when I leave there as the hygieinist is so so nice. I have a wobbly tooth though and it is giving me trouble. Also yesterday my glasses broke right in the middle of work and thankfully I could just take them up....just like a real nerd. So today I have the tiny screw back in there and they are working really fine.
I don't where the time goes. Work is insane. Soon there will on be two people left standing...and maybe not even that before too long. If I wasn't up for a challenge so much I would be hard pressed to stay also...this being probably the worst situation for someone like myself. One is totally 'out of ones own space' at this job. By that I mean one does not have a second to just breathe and feel inside oneself. I am hoping that might change...but I find myself bringing things home (as I was warned not to do..but it is impossible not to, because of the assault on your senses).
Took Monty for a walk. He was not as good as yesterday when he was a total darling. He needs many many walks througout the day before he will get the picture. And I don't have that kind of time.
My garage sale hopes have been totally crushed. But never say 'not' is my motto there and I will plod on in that area.
I don't where the time goes. Work is insane. Soon there will on be two people left standing...and maybe not even that before too long. If I wasn't up for a challenge so much I would be hard pressed to stay also...this being probably the worst situation for someone like myself. One is totally 'out of ones own space' at this job. By that I mean one does not have a second to just breathe and feel inside oneself. I am hoping that might change...but I find myself bringing things home (as I was warned not to do..but it is impossible not to, because of the assault on your senses).
Took Monty for a walk. He was not as good as yesterday when he was a total darling. He needs many many walks througout the day before he will get the picture. And I don't have that kind of time.
My garage sale hopes have been totally crushed. But never say 'not' is my motto there and I will plod on in that area.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Dinner was Great
Having to go and do a few errands before work in a few minutes...so this is just a small comment about dinner yesterday. We finally had the salmon I got about two months ago...and it was vert tasty with lemon mustard sauce and a dill rub. I also made a cauliflower salad and we had blueberries and ice cream.
This blog post is only for the record....since it is easy to forget what one does from day to day...I find at any rate.
No doggie walking. No Monty. I feel really badly about that.
This blog post is only for the record....since it is easy to forget what one does from day to day...I find at any rate.
No doggie walking. No Monty. I feel really badly about that.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Over My Funk/Must Try Harder
11:50am
I am over my hurt...now I have to decide whether or not to erase my last post. I mostly feel content, most of the time. I guess the dis-content comes when I have expectations...and Sunday mornings can bring that on, I guess. Concepts of Sunday mornings. And getting surprise phone call, out of the blue, from someone who should be calling me all the time...and should be including me in his life...as well as taking part in mine...all the time....
....well....it is hard to switch gears...and 'be nice'. Sometimes 'other emotions'..come into play.
I am just human.
That's my story. And I'm sticking to it.
I am over my hurt...now I have to decide whether or not to erase my last post. I mostly feel content, most of the time. I guess the dis-content comes when I have expectations...and Sunday mornings can bring that on, I guess. Concepts of Sunday mornings. And getting surprise phone call, out of the blue, from someone who should be calling me all the time...and should be including me in his life...as well as taking part in mine...all the time....
....well....it is hard to switch gears...and 'be nice'. Sometimes 'other emotions'..come into play.
I am just human.
That's my story. And I'm sticking to it.
So Am I
11:15am Sunday
I am really trying to be in a good mood. I am really trying 'to be nice',...as certain people say,... which mainly means you do not feel ignored, abused, lied to,exploited,condescended to....etc.etc.
Then it is easy 'to be nice'. 'Nice' being defined as obedient, fitting into a concept of 'niceness'...not voicing any complaints, etc.
So when someone phones and asks: "What's up?" , and I am feeling abandoned and alone and say I am just looking at some websites...when actually I am viewing some really beautiful cakes on a website...(but why bring that up as what would they know about that anyway...not taking part in my life in any way...and for no reason..except spite)....
....and they say: "So Am I"...(meaning looking as some websites too)...but in that tone, (I now realize) that means they are spying on me, judging me, ostrasizing me, ignoring me...and basically being cruel to me....for no reason at all....other than I don't fit into their concept of 'NICE'...and are really being condescending, secretive and abusive...and controlling...then what am I supposed to do.
Right now...I feel like going and blowing my brains out. It wouldn't matter to anyone anyway.
I am really trying to be in a good mood. I am really trying 'to be nice',...as certain people say,... which mainly means you do not feel ignored, abused, lied to,exploited,condescended to....etc.etc.
Then it is easy 'to be nice'. 'Nice' being defined as obedient, fitting into a concept of 'niceness'...not voicing any complaints, etc.
So when someone phones and asks: "What's up?" , and I am feeling abandoned and alone and say I am just looking at some websites...when actually I am viewing some really beautiful cakes on a website...(but why bring that up as what would they know about that anyway...not taking part in my life in any way...and for no reason..except spite)....
....and they say: "So Am I"...(meaning looking as some websites too)...but in that tone, (I now realize) that means they are spying on me, judging me, ostrasizing me, ignoring me...and basically being cruel to me....for no reason at all....other than I don't fit into their concept of 'NICE'...and are really being condescending, secretive and abusive...and controlling...then what am I supposed to do.
Right now...I feel like going and blowing my brains out. It wouldn't matter to anyone anyway.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Time for some Photos
I am not sure if this actually my correct blog...meaning as I write this the fonts are different and bigger than usual. But I would like to add some 'graphics'...like the ones here: Pictures of the Robin who made a nest next door to me...and some of the flowers, earlier in the year before the hail and fierce winds have beaten them down.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Fifty-One Cents
1:00pm
This morning I got a 8 dollar roast beef and 4 pounds of strawberries for 51 cents. How great is that??!!
That is because I had decided that this Sunday I would 'cash-in' my coupons from buying gas over the last few weeks. And the stawberries were on for only 1.50 each! (I hope there is not some awful reason they are so inexpensive). I have washed and cut up one box already and will freeze them in little bags for use over the next few weeks (or longer). I still have quite a few left from last week and so they will have to be eaten in the next day or two since they are past their best. I also have some of the Saskatoon's from the Farmer's Market of two weeks ago. The seem ok still. Taste ok.
I also made a stir-fry from the remaining veggies from a while ago (still good), mixed with the peas I was given yesterday. And now I am making some brown rice. This will be for my lunches for the coming week.
And later I will cook the roast and make a lovely pot roast with potatoes, carrots and onions. It was a small roast but should be enough to add to the stir fry as well as make sandwiches or have with other things for supper.
I have not been having much of a supper these past two weeks because I have been taking a very good lunch to have on my break (feeling I probably need the energy earlier in the day..which is true). And with the supplements I am taking I am not falling down depleted later in the afternoon like I see some of the other classmates doing).
This kind of schedule works a lot better for me and maybe I won't have to cook anything this next week. Not that I mind cooking, since I do like it. But that will leave time for other things.
So all this is working.
This morning I got a 8 dollar roast beef and 4 pounds of strawberries for 51 cents. How great is that??!!
That is because I had decided that this Sunday I would 'cash-in' my coupons from buying gas over the last few weeks. And the stawberries were on for only 1.50 each! (I hope there is not some awful reason they are so inexpensive). I have washed and cut up one box already and will freeze them in little bags for use over the next few weeks (or longer). I still have quite a few left from last week and so they will have to be eaten in the next day or two since they are past their best. I also have some of the Saskatoon's from the Farmer's Market of two weeks ago. The seem ok still. Taste ok.
I also made a stir-fry from the remaining veggies from a while ago (still good), mixed with the peas I was given yesterday. And now I am making some brown rice. This will be for my lunches for the coming week.
And later I will cook the roast and make a lovely pot roast with potatoes, carrots and onions. It was a small roast but should be enough to add to the stir fry as well as make sandwiches or have with other things for supper.
I have not been having much of a supper these past two weeks because I have been taking a very good lunch to have on my break (feeling I probably need the energy earlier in the day..which is true). And with the supplements I am taking I am not falling down depleted later in the afternoon like I see some of the other classmates doing).
This kind of schedule works a lot better for me and maybe I won't have to cook anything this next week. Not that I mind cooking, since I do like it. But that will leave time for other things.
So all this is working.
Gorgeous Morning
Today it is a little cloudy and they are predicting some showers. But yesterday!.....was a totally magnificent day when I started out on my little journey to see my mother. I want to make sure I record my enjoyable feelings.
As I was starting out in the parking lot, I looked over at the flowers and the small garden plot of lettuce and onions I have in the planter. Three sparrows settled on the railing just as I was driving away and flew to a tree across the parking lot. I had forgotten to fill the birdbath with water, so they also missed the food that was in the bread box on which the bird bath is situated.
I know that if I had a tree we would get birds. And it would be so enjoyable to be able to watch them up close.
As I drove around the street and past the front door of our building, I noticed May's clematis is spectacular. Magenta flower on a trellis about 6 feet high...and they have shaped themselves into a huge heart...just like her. How wonderful.
I am totally enjoying having my weekends off, getting paid while I train for my new job, and generally feeling like I have a hope for something sustainable in the way of future income, since my new job will pay me for going out of my way and working hard (unlike the last one).
And, another element that is enjoyable is having a new doggie friend who I can take out for walks.
As I was starting out in the parking lot, I looked over at the flowers and the small garden plot of lettuce and onions I have in the planter. Three sparrows settled on the railing just as I was driving away and flew to a tree across the parking lot. I had forgotten to fill the birdbath with water, so they also missed the food that was in the bread box on which the bird bath is situated.
I know that if I had a tree we would get birds. And it would be so enjoyable to be able to watch them up close.
As I drove around the street and past the front door of our building, I noticed May's clematis is spectacular. Magenta flower on a trellis about 6 feet high...and they have shaped themselves into a huge heart...just like her. How wonderful.
I am totally enjoying having my weekends off, getting paid while I train for my new job, and generally feeling like I have a hope for something sustainable in the way of future income, since my new job will pay me for going out of my way and working hard (unlike the last one).
And, another element that is enjoyable is having a new doggie friend who I can take out for walks.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
My New Friends
I am over the funk I was in. Thank God. Literally. I should be practicing going inside EVERY morning but I have been slack, and it shows.
I have been saved by meditating today...and also by reading some of the book by Eckhart Tolle...on practicing things from this book "The Moment Called Now" (hope that is the correct title). I certainly was taken over by what he calls the pain-body. So I have been saved, but only saved by a hair. It does not mean I can get cocky about it...that is for sure. I will try to meditate again tonight.
I really really feel so blessed to have found such a nice person, so close, with what could be a lot in common. And with two doggies. And one that needs walking!!! Now...how about that!!
So I am very very GRATEFUL...in spite of what I may have written elsewhere. I must make that very clear because that is very important.
I have been saved by meditating today...and also by reading some of the book by Eckhart Tolle...on practicing things from this book "The Moment Called Now" (hope that is the correct title). I certainly was taken over by what he calls the pain-body. So I have been saved, but only saved by a hair. It does not mean I can get cocky about it...that is for sure. I will try to meditate again tonight.
I really really feel so blessed to have found such a nice person, so close, with what could be a lot in common. And with two doggies. And one that needs walking!!! Now...how about that!!
So I am very very GRATEFUL...in spite of what I may have written elsewhere. I must make that very clear because that is very important.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
"Friends" and "Relatives"
I don't know whether to write this topic straight on, or discuss all the associations the 'quotation marks' conjure up. I can see many different layers which is why I suppose I am writing. And because of the potential for many perspectives, I should be very careful. It is at times like now that I will say things that I maybe shouldn't say....that will lead to 'trouble'.
For, I am beyond exhaustion. I should have gone right to bed and gone to sleep. Now I have gone past that point when one can relax, and I am just operating on yucky energy. I am also getting very angry. That is what can lead to saying something others will not appreciate. So I will just go slow for now.
I feel like I would like to blast a whole lot of people. But that is not a very 'conscious' thing to do. All I will do for now is applaud myself for at least getting onto the sight and starting up again. After all I see that Blogger has done a whole lot of good new things that anyone can use.
I am always this tired after having to deal with my brother's 'hospitality'. No place to sleep properly. (He thinks we should just camp out like fucking hippies). No place to get properly clean. (He thinks nobody should have a shower. They should bathe over and over in dirty water). No discussions of what he would like to see happen. (Mostly just activities done to favour HIS concepts and everyone has to fit it....or else). No clean clothes. (He thinks everyone should just live like he does...in total discomfort). (I had my same clothes on for two days and slept in them overnight...and that was for a one day trip only...just to see my mother). And the big one...No sleep...because I had to drive 3 hours x two...just to see my mother...and get up at 4:30am when I got home to go to work. And the work is not 'usual' work. It is beyond the pale of shitiness...driven on by greed and sick energy. Not normal. Slave work. For slave wages.
And I am not young. So..like I said...I will write later...on this topic. Haven't even got to the 'friends' or 'relatives' part yet.
For, I am beyond exhaustion. I should have gone right to bed and gone to sleep. Now I have gone past that point when one can relax, and I am just operating on yucky energy. I am also getting very angry. That is what can lead to saying something others will not appreciate. So I will just go slow for now.
I feel like I would like to blast a whole lot of people. But that is not a very 'conscious' thing to do. All I will do for now is applaud myself for at least getting onto the sight and starting up again. After all I see that Blogger has done a whole lot of good new things that anyone can use.
I am always this tired after having to deal with my brother's 'hospitality'. No place to sleep properly. (He thinks we should just camp out like fucking hippies). No place to get properly clean. (He thinks nobody should have a shower. They should bathe over and over in dirty water). No discussions of what he would like to see happen. (Mostly just activities done to favour HIS concepts and everyone has to fit it....or else). No clean clothes. (He thinks everyone should just live like he does...in total discomfort). (I had my same clothes on for two days and slept in them overnight...and that was for a one day trip only...just to see my mother). And the big one...No sleep...because I had to drive 3 hours x two...just to see my mother...and get up at 4:30am when I got home to go to work. And the work is not 'usual' work. It is beyond the pale of shitiness...driven on by greed and sick energy. Not normal. Slave work. For slave wages.
And I am not young. So..like I said...I will write later...on this topic. Haven't even got to the 'friends' or 'relatives' part yet.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Hard to Understand
I feel I have a lot to offer many people. I do not understand why many people...and it would appear to be most people...do not see my value. I think it is because most of the world is unconscious. Saying this makes me look like I am 'talking through the top of my hat" as they say. Like...."who do I think I am".
Well...what I think I am...is a conscious, and conscientious person. Most people are only concerned with 'personality'...with which they equate worth.
This false emphasis on "form"...as Eckhart Tolle calls it....makes many people dismiss anything I have to say. There are so many times I have information or advice that could help them. But they do not want to listen.
Sometimes this makes me very angry. I guess that means I want to be heard. But when I talk, what I say is hardly ever as strong and believable as the information I am trying to relay to anyone. Guess I just have to carry on...as in The Carry-On Gang I suppose. (And those were very silly films...to say the least).
That does not negate the fact that there is a false emphasis on 'form' by many people.
Well...what I think I am...is a conscious, and conscientious person. Most people are only concerned with 'personality'...with which they equate worth.
This false emphasis on "form"...as Eckhart Tolle calls it....makes many people dismiss anything I have to say. There are so many times I have information or advice that could help them. But they do not want to listen.
Sometimes this makes me very angry. I guess that means I want to be heard. But when I talk, what I say is hardly ever as strong and believable as the information I am trying to relay to anyone. Guess I just have to carry on...as in The Carry-On Gang I suppose. (And those were very silly films...to say the least).
That does not negate the fact that there is a false emphasis on 'form' by many people.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
To my Son and To my Father
I can feel the pain and hurt you are feeling.
I wish I could help you.
I wish I could take the pain away.
You must help yourself to take the pain away. There are things that you can do.
I can only say I am sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused, through what I have done in the past. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you.....unintensionally, selfishly, and through ignorance.
But I was totally wrong.
I felt helpless to do otherwise than what I did.
But I was wrong.
Totally wrong.
I would never do the same thing today....knowing what I know now.
I wish I could change what happened to you.
I am sorry.
I wish I could help you.
I wish I could take the pain away.
You must help yourself to take the pain away. There are things that you can do.
I can only say I am sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused, through what I have done in the past. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you.....unintensionally, selfishly, and through ignorance.
But I was totally wrong.
I felt helpless to do otherwise than what I did.
But I was wrong.
Totally wrong.
I would never do the same thing today....knowing what I know now.
I wish I could change what happened to you.
I am sorry.
Another Try
It looks like Blogger has gotten very very good in the time I have been away....in terms of incorporating all the things I have imagined I would like to incorporate in the blog. So now it means I will have to learn how to do all those things now that it is possible....when I have time!
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