Today is a day that I recognize that I am truely happy inside.....and it is totally NOT because of the outside. It is just after 1pm and I got home from work about 12:20...and .....holy cow....I have just been interrupted by one of the residents here who has come to the door and wants to show me his walkman because I was talking about it to him. And so he has borrowed a cassette to take home and I will be talking to him later today.
But I just wanted to say how wonderful it is out and how wonderful it smells outside....so I am going to go and walk in the park as soon as I make my spaghetti (boy that's a hard word to spell). I got a chance to practice Knowledge for about 20 minutes at my break...and before I left about 10 minutes.
So I just wanted to record how happy I feel...inside...and I hope there are some little smoookies out in the park today. I feel like a furry kiss.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
The Chit-Chat Factor and The Dance
Last night was another example of how the NT"s 'talk' between themselves all the time....all the while saying absolutely NOTHING. And at the same time saying everything.
I did not want to go down to the dance because I had been busy right up to the time of the dance and had not had a chance to get 'gussied' up as they say. And for many, like the lady I found outside my door upon opening it, who was looking through the 2nd floor windows to the dance and entertainment floor below, it brought back fond memories.
None of this was true for me. It is not that I would not LOVE to dance the old ballroom dances. I would. In fact, there was a time, probably 25 years ago when I attempted to take ballroom dancing lessons from a club at the university. Rick, was my tenant and friend at that time. He had kindly offered to go with us (that being me, and two or three of his other girl friends). Consequently we never really got much time in dancing and because I did not have a fulltime partner, and because basically it was a old-time sexual activity, and Rick not being so inclined....the fun and motivation for it soon fell off.
But I do remember one of the old teachers (about 70 years old perhaps) asking me to dance and actually twirling me around the floor....in spite of myself and in spite of my clumbsiness...and it was totally exhillarating. The one and only time, probably, that I have danced in any real fashion.....with someone else anyway. For me, it is just another example of a lost opportunity. Another example of a hope crushed and never fulfilled. Another desire to experience 'the world'...another opportunity to have some of that 'FUN' that the NT's talk about.
Most of my life has been anything but that definition of fun.
When I look at my life from that perspective it is a huge disappointment....that lack of being able to achieve a goal as defined by the outside world's ideas of success. It brings back one failure after another. Mostly not through my fault I can see, but none the less..failure.
That is why it was with great gratitude and surprised amazement, even now, after all these years of listening to him talk, that his words were so soothing and exactly what I needed to hear.....this morning at 4am when I could not sleep and finally decided that was the only thing that 'might' help. It was as if he knew what I was going through and answered so many questioned I didn't even know I had.!!!!
Because, really, fulfillment is INSIDE. It is not about all those outside things. Of course, everyone knows that. And of course, everyone forgets. And also, NOT EVERYONE knows where to find that fulfillment...regardless of the outside circumstances. Again I have finally come to realized that. And again I finally had a tiny bit of gratitude. Thank you.
I finally got to sleep about 5am. and slept for about 4 hours. Consequently, tonight, I will have to get to bed early after working this afternoon and having to get up again, early, about the same time I went to sleep...last night.
Anyway....the chit-chat.....I almost forgot...that is what I wanted to mention. After we had talked , the lady and myself, another lady came along...and right away I could see that there was love and caring and CONNECTION between them...not like it had been with me and with them. They didn't say anything in particular. But I could see that they were 'talking with their eyes'...not about what they were saying....at all. And they were getting sustenance from it.
That is why I will never have a friend.
I did not want to go down to the dance because I had been busy right up to the time of the dance and had not had a chance to get 'gussied' up as they say. And for many, like the lady I found outside my door upon opening it, who was looking through the 2nd floor windows to the dance and entertainment floor below, it brought back fond memories.
None of this was true for me. It is not that I would not LOVE to dance the old ballroom dances. I would. In fact, there was a time, probably 25 years ago when I attempted to take ballroom dancing lessons from a club at the university. Rick, was my tenant and friend at that time. He had kindly offered to go with us (that being me, and two or three of his other girl friends). Consequently we never really got much time in dancing and because I did not have a fulltime partner, and because basically it was a old-time sexual activity, and Rick not being so inclined....the fun and motivation for it soon fell off.
But I do remember one of the old teachers (about 70 years old perhaps) asking me to dance and actually twirling me around the floor....in spite of myself and in spite of my clumbsiness...and it was totally exhillarating. The one and only time, probably, that I have danced in any real fashion.....with someone else anyway. For me, it is just another example of a lost opportunity. Another example of a hope crushed and never fulfilled. Another desire to experience 'the world'...another opportunity to have some of that 'FUN' that the NT's talk about.
Most of my life has been anything but that definition of fun.
When I look at my life from that perspective it is a huge disappointment....that lack of being able to achieve a goal as defined by the outside world's ideas of success. It brings back one failure after another. Mostly not through my fault I can see, but none the less..failure.
That is why it was with great gratitude and surprised amazement, even now, after all these years of listening to him talk, that his words were so soothing and exactly what I needed to hear.....this morning at 4am when I could not sleep and finally decided that was the only thing that 'might' help. It was as if he knew what I was going through and answered so many questioned I didn't even know I had.!!!!
Because, really, fulfillment is INSIDE. It is not about all those outside things. Of course, everyone knows that. And of course, everyone forgets. And also, NOT EVERYONE knows where to find that fulfillment...regardless of the outside circumstances. Again I have finally come to realized that. And again I finally had a tiny bit of gratitude. Thank you.
I finally got to sleep about 5am. and slept for about 4 hours. Consequently, tonight, I will have to get to bed early after working this afternoon and having to get up again, early, about the same time I went to sleep...last night.
Anyway....the chit-chat.....I almost forgot...that is what I wanted to mention. After we had talked , the lady and myself, another lady came along...and right away I could see that there was love and caring and CONNECTION between them...not like it had been with me and with them. They didn't say anything in particular. But I could see that they were 'talking with their eyes'...not about what they were saying....at all. And they were getting sustenance from it.
That is why I will never have a friend.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Out of Step
Today, at work, I feel I really did a great job. I feel I organized the bread and got it in the oven, packed, etc...with stuff in the proofer really really well. I could really concentrate this morning. It is a lot like firing the kiln with many things to take into account and reassess as you go. So I was also really really busy for about three and a half hours....and then I got a breather.
But all the time, even though I was enjoying myself and what I was doing, there was this nagging concern in the back of my mind that all was not well. I feel I have not been able to pick up on the appropriate ways of interacting, talking, eye contacting with some of the other staff. Not all was wrong though...because maybe it is ok from another perspective. Some of the conversations and interactions seemed to be for my benefit.
But certain comments make me realize that I am not saying things in the manner that is expected and/or they want some sort of reaction from me that I am not sure what it is. For instance, I think I blundered on the last day I was working, Monday. (And I have been so happy to have the whole three days off in a row this week). But I think my comments on what I saw as being a helpful thing have not been taken well.
I know from the article "The Secrets of Successful Smalltalk" by GroovyDruid on the wrongplanet site that 90percent of what is being said is NOT about the words. That mostly people are "scoping you out" and that there are certain ways of looking at people that say MUCH. The person I worked with today has that down very very well I have noticed. I, unfortunately, can't seem to do it like I used to be able to do it...talk I mean...or do the right body language...in a way that ingratiates people so they like you. That is a big disappointment to me.
But all the time, even though I was enjoying myself and what I was doing, there was this nagging concern in the back of my mind that all was not well. I feel I have not been able to pick up on the appropriate ways of interacting, talking, eye contacting with some of the other staff. Not all was wrong though...because maybe it is ok from another perspective. Some of the conversations and interactions seemed to be for my benefit.
But certain comments make me realize that I am not saying things in the manner that is expected and/or they want some sort of reaction from me that I am not sure what it is. For instance, I think I blundered on the last day I was working, Monday. (And I have been so happy to have the whole three days off in a row this week). But I think my comments on what I saw as being a helpful thing have not been taken well.
I know from the article "The Secrets of Successful Smalltalk" by GroovyDruid on the wrongplanet site that 90percent of what is being said is NOT about the words. That mostly people are "scoping you out" and that there are certain ways of looking at people that say MUCH. The person I worked with today has that down very very well I have noticed. I, unfortunately, can't seem to do it like I used to be able to do it...talk I mean...or do the right body language...in a way that ingratiates people so they like you. That is a big disappointment to me.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Gone South
It is that time of the year again. Over the past week, I have noticed the birds 'practicing'. About a week ago they were beginning to congregate in groups...nothing orgainized, nothing planned. They just had the urge.
A few days ago I was able to notice an enormous flock of birds...beginning to form the "V". It was very disorganized....a bunch were still at the front of the flock...and then an arm of birds about half a mile long (no kidding) were attempting to fly in a straight line, each one overlapping one wing. And then I noticed a straggler. He was totally out of the loop, trying to get into the disjointed line.
At the same time, closer to me, was a tiny flock of geese, maybe ten or twelve altogether. And they were doing a fairly well-done "V". I made a joke to myself that the closer ones must be the Wascana geese and that they had had lots of practice since they weren't going anywhere and were only going out to the farmer's field and back.
Yesterday a flock flew over. It was a perfect formation.
I guess practice makes perfect. I guess that is our nature.
A few days ago I was able to notice an enormous flock of birds...beginning to form the "V". It was very disorganized....a bunch were still at the front of the flock...and then an arm of birds about half a mile long (no kidding) were attempting to fly in a straight line, each one overlapping one wing. And then I noticed a straggler. He was totally out of the loop, trying to get into the disjointed line.
At the same time, closer to me, was a tiny flock of geese, maybe ten or twelve altogether. And they were doing a fairly well-done "V". I made a joke to myself that the closer ones must be the Wascana geese and that they had had lots of practice since they weren't going anywhere and were only going out to the farmer's field and back.
Yesterday a flock flew over. It was a perfect formation.
I guess practice makes perfect. I guess that is our nature.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
The Little Yellow Bird
Just now, about 11 am, I was drawn by a bonk to my window, realizing a bird had flown into it. And then a little drama unfolded. I got there just in time to see the little yellow bird hop onto a branch on the tree just outside my window. His flock-mates were there also, flitting from branch to branch and fluffing their feathers. As I watched drops of water fell from the tree. I saw that what they were doing was gathering drinks and washing their wings in the water that had collected on the tops of the remaining leaves. (The tree has been attacked by insects and also it is now fall).They were tiny birds so they did not need too much water to do the trick.
But as I watched, I also saw that the little bird who had flown into my window was just sitting there, stunned, in shock, hanging on for dear life. He did not jump around like his friends. He could hardly muster to turn his head. Then they all left except the one little bird. By this time, I knew he was in trouble. For some reason, my heart went out to it and started to cry. I tried to cheer it on. He did not move for 10 minutes.
Then as if with great effort, he let go of one leg and moved to a slightly higher part of the branch. I hoped and hoped he would regain some strength. Finally, he hopped a little and finally he took off. But he could not gain any height and did not go in the direction of his flock. Instead he headed for the field, where he landed.
I wanted him so much to fly higher and to find his friends and join them. They had all disappeared. I was afraid he had gone to the field to die and would not be able to come out. But then I saw him attempting small distances, but still low to the ground.
I felt so helpless.
But as I watched, I also saw that the little bird who had flown into my window was just sitting there, stunned, in shock, hanging on for dear life. He did not jump around like his friends. He could hardly muster to turn his head. Then they all left except the one little bird. By this time, I knew he was in trouble. For some reason, my heart went out to it and started to cry. I tried to cheer it on. He did not move for 10 minutes.
Then as if with great effort, he let go of one leg and moved to a slightly higher part of the branch. I hoped and hoped he would regain some strength. Finally, he hopped a little and finally he took off. But he could not gain any height and did not go in the direction of his flock. Instead he headed for the field, where he landed.
I wanted him so much to fly higher and to find his friends and join them. They had all disappeared. I was afraid he had gone to the field to die and would not be able to come out. But then I saw him attempting small distances, but still low to the ground.
I felt so helpless.
Monday, September 18, 2006
The Superstore
Well, I did write in another place about my incident at the Superstore...(I dislike that place so much and go there only when I absolutely have to)....but I will mention it again. I was standing by a display looking at some items when I stepped back a step and bumped into a cart behind me. It hurt my leg so I said "oww"...nothing to out of the ordinary. Well...the ass behind the cart said to me...not sorry...not I'm sorry...not pardon me...BUT....'you bumped into me...I was just standing here'....or something along that line. It hurt me that he was so callous and insensitive. I was not hurt or anything physically. It was just his attitude. And later as I looked at other things, other people had that look on their faces of total disregard. Only one person smiled at me.
When I think of it now it is a lesson for me.
And something awful always happens when I have been there in the past. I find it to be an ugly and inhuman place to have to move through even. I have always said I hate to go there and get upset if asked to do that...and today..we have another example of why you do NOT want to go there...EVER.
This seems like a contradiction I realize seeing as the job I now have at the bakery is with the same corporation...different store.
When I think of it now it is a lesson for me.
And something awful always happens when I have been there in the past. I find it to be an ugly and inhuman place to have to move through even. I have always said I hate to go there and get upset if asked to do that...and today..we have another example of why you do NOT want to go there...EVER.
This seems like a contradiction I realize seeing as the job I now have at the bakery is with the same corporation...different store.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
To Jam or Not to Jam
8:45pm
.....that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows......Well I guess I got beat on that one..as they say.
I got an email from the SCES about having 'fall jams' to follow-up from the fiddle camp..and because I was not able to attend the fiddle camp after all this past summer I foolishly thought..oh maybe it would be a nice idea to go. I took my folder of sheet music but of course it is all 'by ear'....so how can I pull out some sheet music...(except I guess I could have)...but the worst part is sitting around in this circle with all these totally unopen faces looking at you...each one probably doing the old NT thing of sizing each other up..while all I can do is look at these blanks. A lady was friendly to me though. I appreciated that. There were also 'players' from the last life.
The sad part is...I knew many of the songs....in fact I learned many of the songs..last year...and I could have played them if I could master this 'playing by ear' thing...or maybe it will have to be the usual autistic way...by rote.
Learning it will never help me to fit in though. I can't do the eye things that I am sure they are all doing with themselves. There was a little boy there who is very good...his father was there I gathered..so he will do well by it.
So what do I do with this fiddle stuff. It is mostly only because of my brother that I am doing it. If I had a choice of music I would play something that had some meaning to me...meaning music with lyrics...since words are so important to me. I was thinking that....so much of this fiddle stuff sounds just the same to me...the tempo has just been changed...it has no feeling whatsoever...but I suppose those who play would not say that. Let's just say it does not move me like say a song like 'Memories of Us"....or the songs of Cara Tower.
Lessons start tomorrow. I should have just stayed with that. What the hell was I thinking.
.....that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows......Well I guess I got beat on that one..as they say.
I got an email from the SCES about having 'fall jams' to follow-up from the fiddle camp..and because I was not able to attend the fiddle camp after all this past summer I foolishly thought..oh maybe it would be a nice idea to go. I took my folder of sheet music but of course it is all 'by ear'....so how can I pull out some sheet music...(except I guess I could have)...but the worst part is sitting around in this circle with all these totally unopen faces looking at you...each one probably doing the old NT thing of sizing each other up..while all I can do is look at these blanks. A lady was friendly to me though. I appreciated that. There were also 'players' from the last life.
The sad part is...I knew many of the songs....in fact I learned many of the songs..last year...and I could have played them if I could master this 'playing by ear' thing...or maybe it will have to be the usual autistic way...by rote.
Learning it will never help me to fit in though. I can't do the eye things that I am sure they are all doing with themselves. There was a little boy there who is very good...his father was there I gathered..so he will do well by it.
So what do I do with this fiddle stuff. It is mostly only because of my brother that I am doing it. If I had a choice of music I would play something that had some meaning to me...meaning music with lyrics...since words are so important to me. I was thinking that....so much of this fiddle stuff sounds just the same to me...the tempo has just been changed...it has no feeling whatsoever...but I suppose those who play would not say that. Let's just say it does not move me like say a song like 'Memories of Us"....or the songs of Cara Tower.
Lessons start tomorrow. I should have just stayed with that. What the hell was I thinking.
The Job
I have had a new job for about 3 weeks now. I am getting settled into it. I can see where there might be some problems. I have been going gung-ho...all out...from the time I get there to when I leave....that does not seem to be the norm around there. I have come to realize that today...when the bosses are mostly missing...and I also see that either I will be drawn into their lack of concern or 'work ethic' and therefore compromise my own values...or they will have to start picking up the pace...or something...and then there will be conflict.
I am very tired when I come back home from "giving it" for 6 hours or more. I am on a break right now and will have to go back in 10 minutes.
I got my first cheque two days ago. It was for 184.00. I figure I might as well work in India. It is the same principle.
I am very tired when I come back home from "giving it" for 6 hours or more. I am on a break right now and will have to go back in 10 minutes.
I got my first cheque two days ago. It was for 184.00. I figure I might as well work in India. It is the same principle.
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