It is very very snowy today. Yesterday was the first real blizzard we have had and they say they expect about 20 cm. That is a lot of snow! Not as much as for the city to the north of us though. They already had a lot of snow before this most recent snow fall.
Yesterday was a day of rest for me. I found myself to be very low in energy. And again, not much sleep last night. I could say why but I won't.
This morning I have devoted to attempting to get invitations together to invite people to my place and also to get the decorations up....as much as I can possibly do anyway. Still have to get the curtain rods up and no ladder and no car now with this cold weather...so.....have to hang low I guess.
Addendum Dec. 2:
I have gotten the decorations up outside the door...the ones from the step. I have lost of others too....somewhere...but don't know where...not here.
It looks nice and is beginning to look very Christmasy around the building. I said I would help with the tree....downstairs. Hope that works out.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
Asperger's and Therapy Dogs
I am amazed at how callous people are about my feelings towards Henry and my sense of loss. It indicates their total lack of knowledge or understanding about all the issues. I feel people have decided unilaterally to attempt to manipulate my feelings about my dog and loyalties. I have come across this many times now...not only being blocked from forming honest friendships but being blow off as I was a number of times, with Pixie for instance, or other dog's owners. (since someone, somewhere..and I am afraid to think who...has decided that I should not be in contact with dogs any more....or even love them)...They think I should be 'of service' as they define 'service', in their own pea brains, for their own benefits.
It would seem they are totally not interested in MY feelings. But then they don't have hearts, do they. Only egos about 'how good they are to be doing this'. "This" being their warped sense of 'charity'...like it was for a short while a few months ago....letting me have contact with the doggies. They were only interested in 'doing a good turn'...so to speak. Not about how awful I feel.
As far as I am concerned, in anything, unless there is heart-felt honesty, feeling, realness...it will 'never reach the mark'. And that brings me to the crux and point of this...which most people do not get....like the song says: "Chanting, fasting, charity, austerity will never bring you knowledge of the soul. Without the grace of....."
People don't get that. And I also see I am going to confuse people because I am talking about two things here...Knowledge and my own experiences with AS. Because of the Asperger's certain ways of relating will NEVER change. And dogs have been found to be really helpful because of their loyalty and loving natures to their masters. Because of the bond that forms. As Marissa said: I NEED a dog. This is a documented fact and is 'written about' in the literature to do with AS.
As far as I am concerned I will never be happy in any sense in the same way that I trusted Henry. In the same way that he was trying to be so good for me. And who else is there. Certainly no family. Certainly no friends. Certainly no one in THIS place.
Addendum (Ten days later):
Today on my way home from work I caught sight of a little white dog waddling home with its person. It had on a lovely red coat. I beleive I have met that dog before. I wish I had been a little quicker and I would have patted it. It warmed my heart so much just to see its little back-side way in the distance.
It is probably good to post things the same day or very soon after one has composed the post since time and life changes constantly and nothing remains the same from day to day. What I am really saying in the above comments is how much I miss have a wonderful little soft cuddly doggie to love...and who loves me....after all my efforts in training him...and all his efforts in learning to trust me....(this latter for what purpose since I turned out to be untrustworthy to him)....(I feel so bad about that)...this is the same kind of feeling I had about my dad...how this should never have happened...just like all the things that happened to dad should never have happened....his isolation, no one pulling up their end of the slack...(or even just their fucking socks for a change)... (just like me now)....similarly Henry's 'disappearance' as just a crucial time....all related to certain 'relatives' perspectives and how they interact with my perpecitive. It is awful to have to rely on anyone...and ahh...that is the whole point isn't it. I have just started the Keys Three. It is going to be soooo good. It is also going to be such a lesson in trust. I hope I can do it.
The "Lack of Empathy" Discussion
I have been sitting here trying to practice Knowledge and of course, my mind, wants to get in the way. This is topic I would like to address, especially in light of the spontaneous actions and hugs of Oprah by the little boy on her repeat show yesterday.
It demonstrates to me that this is, again, and as usual, a mis-interpretation by various NT's, and usually NT's of fairly high repute, or why an autistic person, or person on the autism spectrum, would behave the way that they behave. And, as usual, it is only because it is not 'what is expected'....by the NT's.
I would say that that little boy demonstrated a total ability to be empathetic and loving...but only because it was from a genuine source.
It makes me remember (and now understand)...the reason for certain people's reactions to my behavior. So what I am trying to say that I have come to realize is how my actions have impacted on another person. One in regard to the food given to me. And the other one I have just forgotten again (but will remember if the holes in my brain, made by Jim, are not too big).
So what is actually true is the putting together of all the reactions to understand why they happened. I have spent my whole life doing that. Most people, (and Jim was one who admitted it), don't have a clue why I am doing that or what I am doing it for..... the analysis of the conversations or incidents for instance. It is to understand what people were 'really saying'...in other words their true intensions..which were lost or which were unable to be absorbed consciously at the time of the incidents.
But I do realize that I have indeed a LOT of empathy. But the timing is a little off. It takes a while to process it all.
It demonstrates to me that this is, again, and as usual, a mis-interpretation by various NT's, and usually NT's of fairly high repute, or why an autistic person, or person on the autism spectrum, would behave the way that they behave. And, as usual, it is only because it is not 'what is expected'....by the NT's.
I would say that that little boy demonstrated a total ability to be empathetic and loving...but only because it was from a genuine source.
It makes me remember (and now understand)...the reason for certain people's reactions to my behavior. So what I am trying to say that I have come to realize is how my actions have impacted on another person. One in regard to the food given to me. And the other one I have just forgotten again (but will remember if the holes in my brain, made by Jim, are not too big).
So what is actually true is the putting together of all the reactions to understand why they happened. I have spent my whole life doing that. Most people, (and Jim was one who admitted it), don't have a clue why I am doing that or what I am doing it for..... the analysis of the conversations or incidents for instance. It is to understand what people were 'really saying'...in other words their true intensions..which were lost or which were unable to be absorbed consciously at the time of the incidents.
But I do realize that I have indeed a LOT of empathy. But the timing is a little off. It takes a while to process it all.
Baking Bread at Home
Last night I made a loaf of bread for the first time in a long time....in my own bread maker. This was during the dance that was happening last night. I really felt that it was not my time to go down and be at the dance. It did not call me in any way to be there. I did clean myself up though, and I did look down through the window and saw some of the 'usuals' who like to go.
It really felt like a time for me to be 'at home'...and I was.
It is funny that I should bring this up as they have a category of bread (or at least it is one of the stages of the bread)...at work..which is called Bake@Home. Mostly I call it Shake and Bake. I do notice though, over the last number of days that much of that bread has been sold in the store.
People do like to have the impression of fresh bread and certainly who has the time to do the actual 'making'. That is one thing I miss about not being with Jim and it is one thing that I enjoyed about him. The bread making. In fact, this life here is very desolate in terms of sharing any enjoyment...that way. I have not found anything that really 'touches' me.
Maybe that will come.
It really felt like a time for me to be 'at home'...and I was.
It is funny that I should bring this up as they have a category of bread (or at least it is one of the stages of the bread)...at work..which is called Bake@Home. Mostly I call it Shake and Bake. I do notice though, over the last number of days that much of that bread has been sold in the store.
People do like to have the impression of fresh bread and certainly who has the time to do the actual 'making'. That is one thing I miss about not being with Jim and it is one thing that I enjoyed about him. The bread making. In fact, this life here is very desolate in terms of sharing any enjoyment...that way. I have not found anything that really 'touches' me.
Maybe that will come.
The Studio
Here it is, the third day of a break, and I have been going over and over in my mind....what I want to do with the piece that has been sitting on the table all this time. I know exactly what I want to do. This is what bugs me. So many distractions and small errands and miscellaneous things that need doing.
And here I have a whole exhibition in my head. And so slow in being able to concentrate on it. And I really like how they are evolving... in this piece as an example. So far away from completion...and only really one piece, but not very far away, and not very far along either. (I think this is my attempt at an Asperger joke again...pun, you know.) I am sure they will be ok. AND...they totally relate to my new understanding of myself. And my recent experiences.
I will try to include a small photo of my 'studio space'.
November 27, 2006
Now it is the start of a 4 days reprieve. Four Days! I really want to put it to good use. A bad sleep again last night. Three in a row now. But I stayed in bed as long as possible, after finally falling asleep (sort of)....after listening to my ipod for a couple of hours in bed....in the middle of the night.
And here I have a whole exhibition in my head. And so slow in being able to concentrate on it. And I really like how they are evolving... in this piece as an example. So far away from completion...and only really one piece, but not very far away, and not very far along either. (I think this is my attempt at an Asperger joke again...pun, you know.) I am sure they will be ok. AND...they totally relate to my new understanding of myself. And my recent experiences.
I will try to include a small photo of my 'studio space'.
November 27, 2006
Now it is the start of a 4 days reprieve. Four Days! I really want to put it to good use. A bad sleep again last night. Three in a row now. But I stayed in bed as long as possible, after finally falling asleep (sort of)....after listening to my ipod for a couple of hours in bed....in the middle of the night.
The Little Red Haired Boy
Well...I haven't written here for a while....and I have probably gotten into trouble because of that...because in its place I have gone back to 'journalling' which encompases many negative thoughts as well as just rose-glassed...'positive thoughts....and since I am trying only to write 'positive' things....that meaning, not expressing any anger or comments people might not take 'positively' themselves......well!... I have had a few moments that I wanted to express here but much distractions and fatigue have caused a delay.
There was something yesterday, though, on Oprah that directly relates to me so I would like to say a few words.
It is about, Reiss, the little red haired boy who spoke so eloquently and did the impersonation of the dinasaur. He is a prime example of someone with Aspergers Syndrome.....for those who want to know what it looks like. Dinasaurs are very interesting to kids and kids with AS just seem to gravitate to them for some reason. Or so it says in the articles. But there he is...a very sweet kid...and you notice how he reacted to Oprah's kind words to him...with a hug....which is what happens with people with AS. (And this is a trait I would like to rectify in some of the 'literature' about people with AS not wanting physical contact). It is not the contact that is repulsed. It is whether it is genuine and sincere (which people with AS can pick up on immediately). He was very articulate (the little professor). And I missed the following part yesterday but I remember when all the kids were lined up on the stage, he set himself apart from them. He was not part of a 'group'. He was just there beside them. "Parallel play" they call it I think.
All of these traits follow a person with AS though their whole life. One does not 'outgrow' any of this, because it is hard-wired. The only change is that over time, as one gets older, one has been able to eliminate patterns that did not work for a person, in terms of communication or expressing needs or acquiring what one needs. But since life changes so dramatically all the time, often these 'patterns' become obsolete. I think this is where some of this so-called 'ridgidity' comes into that some people write about. It is an inability to transfer reactions to suite the environment in a timely fashion. And it is the cause of people with AS wanting things 'to be the same'. You don't have to 'intellectually' learn all the associations again.
Unfortunately, life is not like that. Such was the trauma of my move in May, after 23 years in the same enrivonment. Not to mention losing everything that I loved.....or that I associated with love. Not to mention losing ALL my TRUST. Since the so-called move involved many people with many differing agendas. Many different 'groups' in other words, banding together to make my life love-less. Or so it might seem. Ignorance, in other words.
I could think of it like that....or I guess I could try to think of it as falling through the bottom of the barrel. Then finding my parachute in Knowledge.
As far as this little red-haired boy goes, though, he will probably be fine. Obviously he has good contacts, and parents and a family that are aware and looking out for him. And he is smart, and will no doubt find an occupation where he can shine, and where no one will notice his deficits. No neglect or abandonment there!
There was something yesterday, though, on Oprah that directly relates to me so I would like to say a few words.
It is about, Reiss, the little red haired boy who spoke so eloquently and did the impersonation of the dinasaur. He is a prime example of someone with Aspergers Syndrome.....for those who want to know what it looks like. Dinasaurs are very interesting to kids and kids with AS just seem to gravitate to them for some reason. Or so it says in the articles. But there he is...a very sweet kid...and you notice how he reacted to Oprah's kind words to him...with a hug....which is what happens with people with AS. (And this is a trait I would like to rectify in some of the 'literature' about people with AS not wanting physical contact). It is not the contact that is repulsed. It is whether it is genuine and sincere (which people with AS can pick up on immediately). He was very articulate (the little professor). And I missed the following part yesterday but I remember when all the kids were lined up on the stage, he set himself apart from them. He was not part of a 'group'. He was just there beside them. "Parallel play" they call it I think.
All of these traits follow a person with AS though their whole life. One does not 'outgrow' any of this, because it is hard-wired. The only change is that over time, as one gets older, one has been able to eliminate patterns that did not work for a person, in terms of communication or expressing needs or acquiring what one needs. But since life changes so dramatically all the time, often these 'patterns' become obsolete. I think this is where some of this so-called 'ridgidity' comes into that some people write about. It is an inability to transfer reactions to suite the environment in a timely fashion. And it is the cause of people with AS wanting things 'to be the same'. You don't have to 'intellectually' learn all the associations again.
Unfortunately, life is not like that. Such was the trauma of my move in May, after 23 years in the same enrivonment. Not to mention losing everything that I loved.....or that I associated with love. Not to mention losing ALL my TRUST. Since the so-called move involved many people with many differing agendas. Many different 'groups' in other words, banding together to make my life love-less. Or so it might seem. Ignorance, in other words.
I could think of it like that....or I guess I could try to think of it as falling through the bottom of the barrel. Then finding my parachute in Knowledge.
As far as this little red-haired boy goes, though, he will probably be fine. Obviously he has good contacts, and parents and a family that are aware and looking out for him. And he is smart, and will no doubt find an occupation where he can shine, and where no one will notice his deficits. No neglect or abandonment there!
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Breakfast for Rwanda
This morning I went to a breakfast to raise money for wheelchairs for people in Rwanda. There was a very nice power-point presentation which I enjoyed. It was to raise money for two local people to go to Rwanda. They are taking 4 wheelchairs to present to people who have nothing to get around with and make do by crawling on the ground or staying in their houses. They are also building a Peace Centre there...in Kilgali I think. That was great news. I asked for someone to correspond with, and also sent some material of Prem Rawat's message of peace with one of the people going to Rwanda. I really enjoyed the morning.
Perhaps I will get a chance to talk to them when they come back.
Perhaps I will get a chance to talk to them when they come back.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Bird In the Bakery
Yesterday, when I could finally surface at 2:30pm from the back dark cold panning area (I started work at 7am. yesterday)...when I came to the front where it is warm and light-filled,...or so it seemed.......
yesterday, there was a little bird in the store. A customer smiled at me and pointed behind me and there it was...sitting on a loaf of bread...(Canadian Harvest which has the seeds!!). It had somehow gotten in to get warm. Then I got afraid for it, because the whole picture then came into view...especially if it was sitting where it was sitting. The woman saw my discomfort and said, "I won't tell, for sure". It made the whole day's darkness go away for a few minutes while I watched the bird fly around...I even got a chance to 'connect' with a co-worker over it.
This is the same phenomenum that I see would happen here in this 'No Animals Allowed' building. People would be able to relate on a different level...a level of the heart....or most would. There are always die-hard spoilers. (And basically that is what they do,...die hard).
November 18, 2006
It has been about two weeks since the little bird came into the store by accident. The last three days have been actually quite warm, considering the time of year. But the little bird has not been in the store since last weekend. I remember looking at it fly around and thinking it was like it was with me and Henry the few days before I had to move and we were both so in tune with each other and nature...and yet in the back of my mind, even though I didn't know exactly what was going to happen (and certainly not what did eventually happen with such tragic results for everyone involved)...I knew that the little bird's days were numbered. He was in jail anyway....even if it was a seemingly nice jail. He was not free to be a bird. I asked around as to what had happened but nobody wanted me to know...and feigned ignorance. I doubt that it was taken kindly out, with a net. More likely, knowing the people who do these things (and often with such glee)...he was more likely killed. It makes me very sad. It was a tiny glimmer of life in a very life-less environment.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Scientific American, November 06 edition
A day or two ago, while I was charging through Wal-Mart, I was stopped in my tracks by this copy of the Scientific American which just seemed to jump out at me.
It would seem some Italian scientists (as well as some American scientists in San Diego) have done some research and discovered that that are things called 'mirror neurons' which are disfunctional in the brains of children with autism. They control the ability to duplicate an action by another person inside the brain and therefore the ability to interpret another person's intensions.
There are two very informative articles: "Mirrors in the Mind" and "Broken Mirrors, A Theory of Autism".
It is interesting that I wrote about this topic and used the same word 'Mirror' in a previous post from a few days ago. See"Friendliness, Friendship and Mirrored Images". Sometimes my intuition is very good.
Update, Nov. 4, 2006, 4:30pm
A very very strenuous day at work. They expect us to do the work of two or three people. I am very interested that I chose the words 'Mirror'...in light of these discoveries of the 'mirror neurons' near the amygdala portal of the brain. I believe I have an uncanny ability to diagnose these things...before I even know what it is all about. Take the sleep apnea for instance. Or take the aperger's, or the things to do with Jim. And now this. I knew something would be discovered in this area. Great news.
It would seem some Italian scientists (as well as some American scientists in San Diego) have done some research and discovered that that are things called 'mirror neurons' which are disfunctional in the brains of children with autism. They control the ability to duplicate an action by another person inside the brain and therefore the ability to interpret another person's intensions.
There are two very informative articles: "Mirrors in the Mind" and "Broken Mirrors, A Theory of Autism".
It is interesting that I wrote about this topic and used the same word 'Mirror' in a previous post from a few days ago. See"Friendliness, Friendship and Mirrored Images". Sometimes my intuition is very good.
Update, Nov. 4, 2006, 4:30pm
A very very strenuous day at work. They expect us to do the work of two or three people. I am very interested that I chose the words 'Mirror'...in light of these discoveries of the 'mirror neurons' near the amygdala portal of the brain. I believe I have an uncanny ability to diagnose these things...before I even know what it is all about. Take the sleep apnea for instance. Or take the aperger's, or the things to do with Jim. And now this. I knew something would be discovered in this area. Great news.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Is There Poetry in Pottery?
This is what my friend, Mick, wanted to contribute to my blog...a poem he wrote to me in 1993 and which I put on a plate. I now have the plate in my new apartment and so I will take a photo to go with this poetry contribution.
.....from Mick in his email:
Is There Poetry in Pottery?
Yes!
Images
and dreams
a shared splendor--
it is all
in the transforming
of the eye
and hand--
turning mud and water
into textured
shapes--
So the beholder
is reflected in
these shining surfaces.
(1993)
Mick also wrote:
original version of my poem as trascribed onto pottery plates and bowls by "mad ark", 1993, Regina
14 lines, a proto-liberated sonnet
(In case the stanzas get broken up by email page divisions the correct number of lines for each stanza follows:
4/4/3/2/1
How about that??!)
How nice!
2:30pm
What a nice surprise for me when I got home. A bouquet of flowers and a newspaper and various returned containers were draped over my door knob. In exchange for the Shepard's Pie I made yesterday...and maybe the photo CD of the Hallowe'en things....and maybe just to be nice.
A very nice thing to come home to...after such a strenuous day at work, today. Much appreciated.
What a nice surprise for me when I got home. A bouquet of flowers and a newspaper and various returned containers were draped over my door knob. In exchange for the Shepard's Pie I made yesterday...and maybe the photo CD of the Hallowe'en things....and maybe just to be nice.
A very nice thing to come home to...after such a strenuous day at work, today. Much appreciated.
Hallowe'en at Cedar Wood Manor
A number of people dressed up and some decorations were strung about. They did a good job on their costumes. And.....the good idea...all the chairs were placed like an audience beside the door for when the kids came..in their costumes. It was a little much for some of the kids though. They didn't expect to 'perform' when they came for candies....trick or treat.
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